15 I want a divorce episodes in 4 months… how does that compare to your marriage

[olafinski]

Hi,
I have been writing notes for 4 months now and I have counted 15 episodes of my uBPDw wanting a divorce because I ruined her life. 4 were major where I really thought she will make a move she wont be able to later swallow.
How does that compare to others that are taking notes?
We are married for 14 years but before I did not take note. But I think it was always around 4 times per month ok average.
Just trying to make some sense of this all…

[NotAHero]

 Threatening divorce or leaving and coming back is very common with BPD. Some call it “recycling “.

 The real question is, do they ever come back from this stage? As in do they ever become more stable and settle after or do the threats continue to escalate until they actually leave?

   It seems that once they enter this stage they escalate and ruin everything you had with them or leave. Would love to hear some success stories of BPDs who came back from this stage and settled or improved.

[Notwendy]

Threats don't necessarily mean she truly wants this. They may be a form of manipulation or attention seeking, or a result of shame.

You are the one who decides to act on them or not. If you don't want a divorce, don't take steps to get one. You don't have to enable this. She herself can choose to get a lawyer and do the work of getting one if she really wants one. If it's all threats but no action, you know which is which.

However, with so many threats, if you are concerned she means it, you might consider consulting a lawyer for advice and get your ducks in a row so to speak in case she does go through with it. You want to be in the best position to defend your self and protect your child in case you needed to. Consulting a lawyer does not mean you are divorcing- you don't have to go through with it. It helps to reduce your fear of her threats if you know what to do in case she does and also give you the choice to do it or not.

This is not my marital situation. My mother has BPD. I have heard her speak of divorce many times. She has not followed up on it. She frequently makes threats that she doesn't go through with.

[15years]

I just wish I could leave when whne my wife say "pack your bags, I really mean it", but if I do she's responds by saying "That's what you chose to listen to in all this?", so she admits that it's just an expression of her intense feelings.

[mart555]

To this day I regret not walking out when my wife first said "If you're not happy just leave!" instead of waiting 19 years.  Sunk cost fallacy.

[CoherentMoose]

Hope for the best.  Plan for the worst.  If you've not done so, consider reading Splitting by Bill Eddy and Randi Kreger (https://www.amazon.com/Splitting-Protecting-Borderline-Narcissistic-Personality/dp/1608820254)  It will hep you plan for what you may encounter should you (or she) choose to separate and divorce.

Are there any other threats besides divorce?  Any chance at DV?  Have you considered documenting the divorce threats and perform some trend analysis?  ie, it is getting worse? 

Sounds like a difficult situation.  Find time for yourself out of the emotional pressure cooker and enjoy life for a few precious moments.  Eat well, exercise, get good sleep.  Good Luck.  CoMo