Rewarding Good Behavior

[mitten]

My uBPDw has been unusually calm, pleasant and supportive over the past week or so.  I've been with her almost 9 years so I'm sure there is an episode coming... however is it worth trying to reward this good behavior?  Anything I can do to keep it going a little longer? Haha  Should I tell her how much I've enjoyed our time together recently (we even went on a date this past week)?  I just don't want to trigger anything... but would like to encourage her to keep it up!

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

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[thankful person]

I’ll certainly be following this. I’m glad you’ve had some good times recently. My wife often seems incredibly defensive if I make any suggestion that things have been going well between us. It usually leads to a tirade on “YOU may be happy in our relationship, but I’M NOT!” I’d tread very carefully. Looking forward to hearing others’ advice. Best wishes…

[mitten]

That's what I'm afraid of!  Rocking the boat.  Maybe it's not worth rewarding good behavior in a BPD relationship? 

[Jabiru]

My wife often seems incredibly defensive if I make any suggestion that things have been going well between us.

Same for me. Maybe the calm in itself is enough of a reward for both partners 

[keepitup]

Hello mitten,

I know what you mean, I feel the same when things are going well with my BPD boyfriend and I'm sure many other people here relate to this too.

As to how to handle this, it can be tricky. Rewarding her good behavior can make her sabotage things if she has a tendancy to self-destruction with the thought of "I'm not worthy of this relationship" or "do you still love me if I do this". Since you have been with her for many years, you probably already know if she has a tendancy to do this.

I know each situation is different, but I will give an example of what worked in mine, maybe it can help someone else too. So, when things are going well with my boyfriend, I try to tell him my appreciation of very specific things and at the moment they happen. For example, if he offers to go shopping with me because he knows I like it, I thank him for his offer and say I would like to do it. In his case, it is enough to put him in a good mood: he feels appreciated and important. When things stop from going well, it's generally because he feels a high level of stress from multiple sources and most of the time, it has nothing to do with me.

From what I learned in this forum, I think that while it is understandble to want things to keep going well, it's important to be aware and careful of not feeling overly responsible for how our significant other feels or for what they do. Though we do have control over how we act and respond to others (ex: not JADEing), I believe we can't always predict nor prevent how our partner feels or what will they do. Sometimes, they can become dysregulated saying it was because you did or said something even though they were already upset by something else entirely having nothing to do with you.

To sum it up, I would say that knowing our partner is key to understand what works better with them but I would advise not to take the entire responsability to keep things smooth at all time.

[Cat Familiar]

Great reply from keepitup 

Rewarding specific behaviors is a great strategy. (Thanks for the sandwich. It was delicious!) Making generalizations is not. (We’ve been having a great couple of days.)

When you make a generalization, they are likely to look for what’s wrong, what’s not included, how it differs from previous experience.

“So you mean earlier in the week was bad?”

Suddenly your compliment has turned into a criticism.

People with BPD love to feel appreciation as this is something they don’t generally do for themselves. The more specificity you can give, the better. (You knew I’d love that birthday card with the cat! Thank you.)

[mitten]

Wow, this clicked for me.  Makes perfect sense.  Thanks all. 

[thankful person]

Keep it up and cat, great advice about being specific. I shall try this, always being wary of how our words can be “twisted”, but surely more effective than my idiotic comments I sometimes make like, “I feel like we’ve been getting on really well recently..” to which the reply is generally, “no we’re not! We argue all the time…” And then I’m like, “about what? I can’t remember when we last argued…” And you’d think the conversation would be over but I end up feeling like I’m wrong even though she doesn’t give me any examples just tells me I’m dumb if I can’t remember.

[Chosen]

In short, I think rewarding good behaviour is a good thing.  But as others have suggested, maybe don't generalise, and I would add, don't be "dramatic" about it.  Don't make it a big deal.  But let them know it's something you appreciate, in a positive way, without comparing to the "bad times".  For example, if she offers supportive words that she doesn't usually offer, you may say, "Thanks for saying xxx to me.  It makes me feel so supported by you."

From my experience, this could go either way.  Your uBPDw may sneer and say "and somehow you never support me like this" (I'm thinking this is what my uBPDh would say).  So you kind of have to prepare yourself for your pwBPD not responding to your show of appreciation, and remember if that happens, don't make things worse.

Sucks how when things are going well, we have to be prepared for the trigger and downward spiral, right?

[mitten]

Sucks how when things are going well, we have to be prepared for the trigger and downward spiral, right?

Absolutely!  Walking on eggshells.  I can't think of a better title for a book about BPD!

[once removed]

i encourage you not to think of the subject you bring up in your OP as something to reward her for. underlying that is a message of "i like you when you are like _____ and i dont like you when you are like ______". this is at the heart really, of engulfment fears.

think of it as a good period in your relationship and something to nurture.

similarly, when your partner shows you love, find ways to return that love and build on it.

but i think you are also talking about positive reinforcement and this is vital in any relationship.

theres a great workshop on how to do that, in order to build an overall loving environment, here: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=103822.0

[mitten]

but i think you are also talking about positive reinforcement and this is vital in any relationship.

theres a great workshop on how to do that, in order to build an overall loving environment, here: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=103822.0

Great workshop, thanks for sharing.  Yes, I was really asking about positive reinforcement when I asked my question (without realizing it). 

A few comments that stuck out at me from the workshop thread you shared:

"Sometimes, we actually reinforce the bad behavior - enable it.  Think about it.  When was the last time you were more  accommodating or more attentive because your partner was acting badly?  And then hoped that negative reinforcement would somehow improve things?" -skip

"After months (or years) of dealing with troubled behavior, the last thing you might feel like doing is being positive. But in living with a pwBPD, it is crucial that, even during conversations aimed at correcting behavior, you keep your tone positive" -skip

"It seems odd to offer positive reinforcement for what would amount to "normal" behavior in most relationships.  But, isn't that what we're after if we are staying?" -briefcase