Help please my grown daughter is self sabotaging.

[MamawPollyanna]

This is my first post. I have been searching for help. My grown daughter is sabotaging her marriage with a wonderful husband to live on her own with her children. She doesn't believe she has any problem with bpd. She is volitile and insulting to me. I have been trying to stay calm. Everything I say seems to be wrong. She is verbally abusive. I don't even know where to start to understand. Could someone help me have communication be better? Thank you so much!

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Sancho]

Hi MamawPollyanna. I am so sorry for the situation you are dealing with. In my experience, once my BPD dd get something in her head there is no way she is able to see any other point of view or option. The more I try to put another perspective the more she digs in. She even digs in further if she thinks I disagree with her.

It is good that you are trying to stay calm. I've been through a few 'upheavals' with dd and gd. When I think about it I suppose my approach has been/is:

I stay in the background. In a time of turmoil I try to think long term ie I want to be there for gd and so don't want dd to cut off from me completely.

If I have to comment etc I try to always put the emphasis on the decision is hers. If she asks for an opinion I don't give one - just try to side step.

I try to remember that things can change quickly with BPD. It could be in six months your dd may want to return to the marriage.

This is so stressful but it is all out of your control. I hope the separation doesn't happen but if it does I hope you are able to be there for your grandchildren as a stable and safe connection for them.

Sending hugs . . . . .