I feel like I am in an AA meeting with something I am trying to recover. The only problem is that I can't recover from my daughter and her BPD tendencies. It has been around 18 months since her first psychotic episode.
I am like the plumber that can't fix her own pipes. I want to. I thought I knew how, but somehow I can't seem to get them fixed.
I have degrees, I have experience, and then I have her. She defies logic, and defies feeling. I am emotionally exhausted. She is an emotional vampire that wants to continue to suck me dry.
Such language shows just how tired I am, but still doesn't seem to quite fit. I am to the point that I don't care that at 14 she doesn't want to be here. I don't want that version of her here. Then I feel guilty.
I feel guilty for everything i could have done differently, guilty for being relieved that she is gone, yet I am still relieved, not the relief that it's finally over, because it will never truly be over. Instead, it's the relief that for a while it's someone else's problem, though I am paying dearly for it.
So, while she is gone, I need to rest, regroup, and get part of myself back. The question is where did I put me?
Hi K - and welcome.
You have come to a really great place. Lot's of wisdom here. There are all kinds of topics and frankly, of all of them, this is the one that is the hardest. There is nothing worse than worrying about a child, at least in my opinion. My daughter is bi-polar and has been a challenge for 10 years. It has left me numb. Currently she has stopped talking to me because I had the audacity to expect her to pay for her own cell phone because she has a job and she's 25. I too spend time in guilt.
It's a bit of a mind bender, isn't it. You want to teach them to be self sufficient. Because our children are not well, there can even be a sense of urgency to it - at least in my case there is - my daughter has had a really hard time holding down a job.
At this stage, I would offer that you might consider carving up some space to heal, strengthen your heart to protect yourself emotionally and find a means through support to get a wider and longer perspective on your relationship to your daughter.
Someone gave me the analogy of helping a drowning person. To help them, you've got to know how to swim and even then you need to be careful, else you are at risk of drowning too.
Write back when you feel you need to. There is healing here.
Just by your words, it shows you care.
Rev
