Well the spell is broken. Finally

[ILMBPDC]

I spent a week visiting my sister down south, partly to see her new place and partly to spend some time in a new environment and work on myself. I journaled, I processed, I talked to my sister. I thought about my exBPD a little, though most of what I was working on was to do with my CPTSD, not him.  I figured out some things, what I want, what I don't want. It was really nice.

The last morning there, I woke up to a text from a number I didn't recognize. "Long time no see, how have you been". I am 99% sure that this is from my conman/ASPD ex. I haven't spoken a word to him in 11 years though the state the number was from is the last state I knew he was in jail in and I know no one else there. I didn't respond. Other than slight incredulity, I had no emotion seeing that. I thought "see, I have no attachment left to him, why can't I get there with Mr. BPD". I left it at that and got ready to leave.

Then on the way to the airport, apropos of literally nothing my sister and I were chatting about, suddenly my brain just said "He's not a good person".

And that was it. It like my brain flipped a switch. since then, I have been able to think of Mr BPD and even chat with him and have had no emotion surrounding it. I don't care that he's in a new relationship. I don't care that we didn't talk for a week and a half. Somehow during the week I was gone I processed enough for my brain to turn a corner. I can't even tell you how good I feel right now.

For reference, its been 13 months since the first discard, 7 1/2 since the horrible split/discard where he abruptly went NC for 4 months (and that led me here). I wasted 2+ years of my life (in total, starting from when we first met) on this man who truly is not a good person and my emotional brain has finally caught up to my rational brain.

I truly hope the same for anyone else who is still struggling.