Hello I’m new- I have a younger sister with bpd and I’m struggling

[Deedeexo]

Hi all- new here

Reading a lot of the threads/posts, as sad as it is that we go through this it made me feel better that I’m not the only one. Some posts were spooky to me as I resonate with them so much, as my sister behaves exactly the way you describe your own family members with the mental illness.

A little background

I’m 29 my sister is 26. She is bpd and bipolar.
We are British with Arab ethnicity,

My dad is a narcissist (non diagnosed but I have therapy and we recognised this is most likely the case)

My mum is depressive and currently has cancer.

I suffer from ptsd myself due to a abusive ex relationship (he was a narcissist psychopath (diagnosed when arrested and taken in court)

I’m really struggling lately with managing my LC (limited contact) with her. She puts me through these cycles of guilt, chaos and emotional manipulation and targets me (I have an older sister too who is married with 1 daughter but she has a different dad, that she does not bother as much)

I am usually the punch bag for her rage and manic episodes I am much better with boundaries I would definitely say I feel better about that but at the moment my mum is going through a health scare (she has non Hodgkin’s lymphoma and they suspect thyroid cancer right now) so I have been visiting my mum who lives with my sister, this means I have had to spend more time with her over these Last few months.

I love my mum dearly and want to be there for her during this time, especially that she has to deal with my sisters behaviour at home full time (she has made suicdie threats including hanging her head against the wall and smashing her room into pieces in the last month) I feel really guilty that mum has to do that on her own, but I chose to move out 3 years ago now for my own sanity I couldn’t handle recovering from my own complex ptsd with her own bpd issues. It just didn’t work.

When I needed help/support from my family during a period of psychosis I suffered from  she ‘conveniently’ had panic Attacks and meltdowns (which she never gets as I get them) to the point of attempting suicide all in the same few days I suffered psychosis. This is just one of many examples of her targeting me at my weakest/vulnerable moments.

She is extremely difficult to speak to and myself and the family walk on eggshells around her, she was discharged (nhs london) from her treatment a few years ago but honestly she has just gotten worse especially during the pandemic, they offered no compulsory therapy or support when clearly she is not ok. Especially on a experimental drug call topiromate (tompomax) and now she’s is back to back calling me as I type. Her usual way to force me into speaking to her. She pulls me in with soft lovely conversation then bang turns on me out of the blue and ends up attacking me or insulting me & accusing me of being a horrible sister who’s abandoned her. I’m honestly contemplating compelete no contact but my mum has begged me not to do that so many times - including my partner who has decided to completely cut her off with no contact with her after an incident where she screamed at him multiple times and made horrible lies about him to my family. I’m at a loss, I feel guilty for my mum but I’m also starting to feel my mental health decline the more I entertain the limited contact. Especially with her abusing my partner too when it is our new chapter of getting married..

I also get pressure from my older sister who has also chosen limited contact with her but constantly tells me how I am a bad person for choosing to move out and ‘left mum with sally’ but why is it my responsibility? What about my life? I am never selfish I have always done so much for everyone and it’s my turn and my sister had tried to sabotage my relationship so many times but I am lucky that I have a understanding and supportive partner who I am getting married too soon, so it frustrates me how my older sister only sees me as someone to ‘assist’ or comes to  ‘rescue’ Mum and at the same Time not being supported to live my own life or take CSR eof my own mental health like she is…   

Sorry I think I’m rambling now.. but i just feel so frustrated and sad.

My psychotherapist who I see every week said I could benefit from sharing how I feel on forums like this so I thought I would give it a go.

Thanks for anyone who reads this x

[Woolspinner2000]

Welcome Deedeexo! 

Sounds like an awful lot is going on with your sister! Don't take on the burden that your older sister wants to place on you because  you moved out. It's not your responsibility to take care of everyone else. There is so much FOG (feelings of guilt) that surround those of us who grew up with a pwBPD, and we need to learn how to separate who we are from who they are. You are an individual capable of caring for you, and your mom will also need to learn some boundaries with your sister.

Have you read any books about BPD? Is your mom open to reading some in order to help her in dealing with your sister?

 
Wools

[Riv3rW0lf]

Hi,

I am new here too. And I am still working out my anger, guilt, shame, and feeling of being responsible for everyone else's feelings, so I can only talk from experience here.

My brother, I think, also developed BPD, following the emotional abuse from our BPD mother. He was recently diagnosed with a bipolar disorder, but he went through a crisis in July where he almost commited suicide. I ended up texting him that day (the invisible link, I just knew) and talked him out of it. He confided in me that he felt completely empty, which is what brought me to realize he might also have the BPD disorder, but a low functioning one. He has outbursts but he mostly... Shuts down.

I guess what I am getting at is... It helped me a lot to recognize that both my BPD mother and brother (maybe BPD) really do suffer. They hurt and their outbursts, blame, silent treatment, all those things that hurt me the most are ways for them to maybe ease their own pain. I've seen my own two years old go through tantrums, and helped her walk through them so that she could understand her emotions and learn how to put words on them. And I swear, I could see them... They are like giant toddlers going through strong deep pain l, not seeing a way out.

However! And this is a big however... When this becomes too much for us, it is our duty to ourselves to take a step back to protect our own sanity. They are drowning, but it doesn't mean we have to drown with them. And we should not feel guilty about it, this is not cruelty, it is wisdom. It is so hard to do though, I struggle with this as well. You are not alone. But do keep yourself first. You won't be able to help anyone else if you drown... And if limited contact is what keeps your own head out of the water, then keep limited contact.

It is unfair of your oldest sister to blame you for trying to preserve yourself. Maybe she is projecting her own guilt onto you. Do not accept this role, it is not yours. You have your own role to play in this story, and it doesn't have to be the role they are giving you... A woman I love dearly gave me this example to help with my own BPD mother. She said it's like everyone has their own scene and is giving a spectacle, wearing the mask they want to wear. You will never, ever be able to change the role someone else decided to play, nor can you write their script. Your power is your own scene. This is where you get to decide who you want to be and how you will react to things. It helped to visualize the bubble.. where my power starts and ends. You be you, not what they want you to be.

Is there any way you could visit your mother while your sister is out for a break maybe? Like by offering her to go change her mind while you care for your mother a bit.. and then to keep boundaries with your mother where you both don't discuss your sisters, for example?

I have boundaries like that with my brother.. we don't discuss the other members of the family. Ever. It helps.

[Couscous]

Those are some wise words from RW.

I would add that in addition to the individual scripts people have, there is also the family script and everyone in the family is playing their role. When you decide to go off script and stop playing your role of Rescuer be prepared for some MAJOR pushback from family members who will begin to experience higher levels of anxiety in response to your personal changes, and will pull out all the stops to get you back into your old role, usually through guilt tripping. This is just how family systems respond to change.

A great strategy I read about on how respond to accusations of selfishness is to actually agree with the charge, and to even explain that you are working on becoming even more selfish. 

[StrawberryCat]

Hi Deedeexo! Thank you so much for sharing. I'm terribly sorry that you have to go through such turmoil like that

Echoing what others have said here, you are not responsible for your sister. Your older sister projected her own guilt on you.

I hope you'll find a way to visit your mother without having to have any contact with your little sister when you need space from her.

Sending you virtual hugs