When my emotions become triggers

[keepitup]

Hi everyone!

I realized that my emotions trigger my boyfriend who has bpd and it creates conflict. Even though I remain calm through my words and actions, the sole fact that my boyfriend perceives that I feel sad, angry, frustrated, guilty, afraid, stressed out, etc. is enough to dysregulate him. He then becomes angry, gives me the silent treatment and blames for the situation saying that I am too sensitive. And my emotions may or may not have something to do with him.

I have read  Loving someone with borderline personality disorder as well as many tools on this website and have learned to improve my emotional regulation myself. However, I don't know how to deal with this situation since I remain calm and the emotions I feel at that moment are valid. I would like to, but I can't "not feel" them.

Have you been through something similar? Any ideas?

Thank you in advance!

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[formflier]

So..pwBPD often do make "everything about them" so if they perceive an emotion in you, they likely internalize it and blame you for it.

We'll never know exactly how that mechanism works...

What I would hope you can focus on is this "truth".  It sounds like you have tried some healthy options for responses and are "less than pleased" with the results.  Is that fair?

What I would encourage you to do is be "pragmatic".  Accept the things that don't work and if you find something that does work...hopefully you can find a way to be a peace with it.

For me to say more it would really help if you could give us some he said she said of how a recent example of this goes down.

I'll go out on a limb a little and bet you that by changing your reactions to his reactions...we can make this much much better.

Best,

FF

[keepitup]

Thank you formflier for your reply.

Indeed, I do my best to use healthy responses to my boyfriend's behaviors. It works very well when his issues are about work, friends, etc. But when I am involved, it isn't as effective.

For instance, we had a disagreement yesterday night. We were both frustrated but it didn't escalate and we both remained calm. We spent the rest of the evening together and it was fine.

This morning, I was still feeling a little frustrated about yesterday though I didn't see what more there was to say about it. I thought I just needed time to deal with my own emotion, so I let it be. This morning was also going alright until this:

Me: So what is your work schedule today?
Him: I work this morning and this afternoon.
Me: Ok.
Him: *Looks at me and  speaks with an angry tone* Are you still frustrated about yesterday?
Me: Well, yes.
Him: You are so f**** annoying! So you are going to leave me because of that?
Me: No.
Him: I knew we came from two different worlds, but you told me it was okay! We will not get a lot of fun like that.
Me: I'm sorry, that's how I feel. I am not doing this on purpose.
Him: *goes away and slams the door*

[ThanksForPlaying]

I just posted my thoughts on something along these lines here.

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=351607.0

Unfortunately, you aren't likely to get much emotional support from pwBPD. They aren't good at self-soothing or soothing others. They often mirror your own feelings and moods - this is why the honeymoon phase can be great - they are reflecting your excitement and happiness.

When you are stressed by something (which of course is just a normal part of life), they reflect and amplify that back to you, and often become disregulated. They can't handle their own feelings, and aren't equipped to help you deal with yours.

One of our coping mechanisms is then to just stop discussing our emotions with pwBPD - which can make a relationship unfulfilling - but can help keep the peace when dealing with BPD. Sometimes we start trying to choose the perfect time to discuss feelings so as not to trigger a rage. This can turn into "walking on eggshells".

Some of the tools here can help. Hang in there.

[JadedEmpath]

However, I don't know how to deal with this situation since I remain calm and the emotions I feel at that moment are valid. I would like to, but I can't "not feel" them.

I don't have any advice to offer, I just wanted to let you know that this resonates with me. This is a struggle I go through too.

[keepitup]

Thank you JadedEmpath for your kind words. I wish you all the best in your situation too 

ThanksForPlaying, indeed, what you wrote makes a lot of sense and I thank you for your feedback. I am in the process of accepting the fact that I will not get emotional support from him. It is difficult since we were friends before we started dating and he was very supportive at that time. Anytime I lived something difficult, he was there for me. That is no longer the case. Now, I turn to friends and family when I need to talk about my problems or just when I need to vent.

Exactly like you said too, I try to talk about issues related to us only when I feel it is a right moment. It worked for a while and things were going pretty well. Problem is, for the last few months, he is on edge all the time and there seems to never be a right moment. So, even before we get to talking about the issue, he dysregulates. The triggers also became more and more minor. Right now, my guess would be that he is not feeling well and since I am the closest person to him, I am also the easiest target of his frustrations. Thus, for the moment, I try to concentrate on taking care of myself. I'll continue to look for tools and read lessons again. It already made me feel a little better to talk about it with you guys, since I know you understand what I am going through 

[ThanksForPlaying]

Anytime I lived something difficult, he was there for me.

This is interesting. It's good! And a little surprising to me. In what ways did he help you through hard times? Do you think anything has changed since then? I'm interested because I would have thought BPD emotional responses would have been already present.

[keepitup]

Thank you for your interest in my story, ThanksForPlaying.

So, to answer your question, when we were friends, he would listen to me when I would tell him I lived something difficult with my family, my job, etc. and he would help me find solutions as well. He helped me to see my strenghts and encouraged me to believe in myself. Since we work in the same field, he gave me advice on how to become better in what we do. In a similar way, I was his confident and there were times when I saw his emotions become very intense and I helped him de-escalate. I have to say that his anger had never been about me at that time. In almost 2 years of friendship, there was only one time when he had been unpleasant with me and he apologized many times afterwards.

I knew he had therapy in the past and had BPD, but I didn't experience the full extent of it until we became a couple. I was so stunned at the begininng of our relationship since I felt that he was not the same person as before (the example of dr. jekyll and mr. hide on this website describes exactly what I feel I have lived. I really thought I was completely crazy before I started reading stuff on this website and buying books on the subject).

Besides the fact that we are a couple and now live together, I can't exactly say what is different except that his attitude changed towards me. He started blaming me every time there was an issue in our relationship. Lots of projection too. When I feel anger, stress or sadness, he tells me I am too sensitive (though he already saw me in these states before and was conforting). He even said to other people that the only thing that changed when we became a couple was that we slept together, meaning we were still getting along well like when we were friends. He also praises me to other people around him, saying how wonderful I am. As for me, I think I am even stronger than before we were together and I don't ask as much for his help (because he was annoyed almost every time I asked since we're together). However, he says I am more needy than ever.

I came to realize that his biggest trigger is when he feels that he is a bad person. In that sense, even though I don't do or say anything, he can become triggered because he thinks I think he is bad or because he did something that he is not proud of.

All in all, maybe it has to do with a difficulty to build intimacy? I think it might also be because pressure from work has built up and any little thing triggers him when he comes home.

I would be interested if you have other thoughts or ideas about it. Thank you in advance!

[formflier]

BPD usually only "shows itself" in close..intimate relationships.

So..I'm not at all surprised that the closer you got..the more "it" showed up.

One of the things you will have to sort out is that if you let "distance" come between you...BPD will usually get better.

Finding the right balance will take time.

Best,

FF

[formflier]

Him: *Looks at me and  speaks with an angry tone* Are you still frustrated about yesterday?
 

So..the angry tone should have been a clue that he really wasn't curious. 

When questions come up..get in the habit of giving yourself space..even if you "think" it's a straightforward thing.

Him:  "are you frustrated?"

You:  "Oh...why do you ask?"

Hand it back to him...listen..validate.  Just because he asks for an answer..doesn't mean you have to give it...right then.

Best,

FF

[keepitup]

Thank you formflier for your advice.

Indeed, it's all about getting the right distance. I will keep that in mind!

[formflier]

Indeed, it's all about getting the right distance. I will keep that in mind!

Yep..and realize this is most likely a moving target (or the goalposts move)...so the exact thing that worked wonders for you one week..may fall flat the next.

Lots of trial and error here. 

Best,

FF