How to deal with this

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

I’ve been separated from my uBPDh for about 6 mo.  In this time there has been no move from him to divorce.  I’ve posted on this forum a few times, a couple on the bettering board, and this is the 2nd on the conflicted board.  Through therapy and 2 of the great books recommended on here, I’ve come to see how dysfunctional our 20 yr relationship has been.  I put up with, excused, rationalized, and thus allowed a lot of abuse.  I’m definitely  working through a lot of feelings.  I need some help with how to deal with what my still-husband is doing.  I have not filed for divorce, but I feel it’s unavoidable now.
My husband was seen with another woman, by my very own mother. I understand he is not living in the family home and I’ve been split, etc., but as I said, he has and is still not making any move toward divorce. It’s extremely likely that he is seeing this woman romantically.  I’m not dealing with this well. I know other members have faced similar situations and feelings.  What do you do to cope?  He denies anything is going on, of course, and tells me I just want him to be alone so he ends up killing himself and I get all his money.  I just want to be respected.  Also, he was with this woman in a place where my mom takes our children.  They could have easily have seen him with this person too.

[Tuxedo Cat]

I’ve been separated from my uBPDh for about 6 mo.  In this time there has been no move from him to divorce.  I’ve posted on this forum a few times, a couple on the bettering board, and this is the 2nd on the conflicted board.  Through therapy and 2 of the great books recommended on here, I’ve come to see how dysfunctional our 20 yr relationship has been.  I put up with, excused, rationalized, and thus allowed a lot of abuse.  I’m definitely  working through a lot of feelings.  I need some help with how to deal with what my still-husband is doing.  I have not filed for divorce, but I feel it’s unavoidable now.
My husband was seen with another woman, by my very own mother. I understand he is not living in the family home and I’ve been split, etc., but as I said, he has and is still not making any move toward divorce. It’s extremely likely that he is seeing this woman romantically.  I’m not dealing with this well. I know other members have faced similar situations and feelings.  What do you do to cope?  He denies anything is going on, of course, and tells me I just want him to be alone so he ends up killing himself and I get all his money.  I just want to be respected.  Also, he was with this woman in a place where my mom takes our children.  They could have easily have seen him with this person too.

[ThanksForPlaying]

I also had BPDxw move out unexpectedly while I was at work and just basically disappear. There had been many previous recycles, but this last time was the end. She was gone (later remarried to the person she moved out with and I have no idea what happened to that, but I can guess).

I'm not sure exactly which BPD traits cause the behavior of "ignoring the divorce situation" but it's not uncommon. It's like they have already blocked it out of their mind.

But it's ALSO like they don't want to totally cut it off because they don't like finality/abandonment. They would rather have you deal with that - then it becomes your "fault" of course.

My ex moved out of the house and went no contact for months while dating someone else, but I filed for divorce, so it was my "choice" and my "fault" the relationship ended.

My advice is to give a clear deadline, set a clear boundary, and follow through with filing for divorce. If you're lucky, it will all go through the courts quickly and smoothly while he's still in the honeymoon phase of this new relationship. These things can move relatively quickly if nothing is disputed. In most courts, he doesn't even have to show up for the final decree - but you will have to be there (or on Zoom).

That's the BEST case scenario. Of course as you've heard here, there is often much more drama ahead.

Now that I've finishing writing this, I realize that's not the question you were asking. You asked "what do you do to cope?"

What are your current thoughts? Do you want a divorce? Or are you trying to save the relationship?

[Tuxedo Cat]

I am no longer trying to save the relationship.  I feel so angry, betrayed, hurt.  To me it feels like cheating and that’s because:
1. Separation was not my idea and I tried hard on my end to reverse the break up
2. What you mentioned: I suspect he doesn’t want divorce for the finality/abandonment issues it brings up, and I therefore feel used-like I’m the back up (when I’m his wife, and have been a good and caring one at that!)
The feelings are what I’m struggling with.  I confronted him today so hurt and angry.  I feel like, am I ever allowed feelings, and to actually express them? My therapist says to express them with her.  Another hard thing is here it is again, in the worst, most disrespectful, hurtful way, that I just don’t matter to him-unless he can fall back on me.
I’m trying my best, I really am.  One thing I did was think of it as the Karpman triangle.  Part of me wonders if when he “got caught”, did he then *try* to set up a triangle, or did I? Or is that just a rabbit hole I’m going into.  I’m just an emotional mess and trying to get through this.
I did call a lawyer today but haven’t heard back. That was a big scary step for me.

[BigOof]

I just want to be respected.

Respect starts with yourself. Leave on your own terms with your dignity. Making the first move is strategically better. You get to set the tone of the divorce.

Don't call one lawyer. Call many lawyers and ask for references from previous clients. Try and find a lawyer who is a problem solver.

[ThanksForPlaying]

For me, it also helps to not be so black/white about the issue, and to operate in the "gray area". I tell myself that even a divorce doesn't have to be final... people can still be together or even get married again if it turns out that this is a huge mistake.

Interviewing lawyers is just what needs to be done right now under the current circumstances. And then filing is the next step. This helps me get over worrying about the finality of my own actions.

[Tuxedo Cat]

Respect starts with yourself. Leave on your own terms with your dignity. Making the first move is strategically better. You get to set the tone of the divorce.

Thanks for that, it did help me refocus.  The lack of respect is a big source of hurt.  I want so bad for him to hear that and understand that.  But that makes no sense, right? If he cared or respected at all, this wouldn’t be happening.
I have calmed a bit after going back to my Stop Being a Caretaker book and reviewing some of the points, especially about letting go of hope, which I think somehow is part of what I was feeling.

[Tuxedo Cat]

For me, it also helps to not be so black/white about the issue, and to operate in the "gray area". I tell myself that even a divorce doesn't have to be final... people can still be together or even get married again if it turns out that this is a huge mistake.

Interviewing lawyers is just what needs to be done right now under the current circumstances. And then filing is the next step. This helps me get over worrying about the finality of my own actions.

I don’t think I could ever be with him again, with all this.  But yes, one step at a time.  I did lean into my emotions and spent some time with them.  Might go back and spend some more time later. I know so many of us here have gone through so much. 

[Woolspinner2000]

Hi TuxedoCat,

I've been thinking about you and wondered how you were doing. Thanks for updating us on where things are.

I agree with the others that you are best to meet and interview with more than one lawyer. I think I met with 3 or 4 before I decided on which one best fit my needs. Write down any questions you have ahead of time so that you can get the answers you need and not forget something. Some of the attorneys give a free consult, at least mine all did.

I can understand the betrayal you feel, and I'm so sorry. It hurts a lot, and to see and experience the lack of empathy is so hard. I'm really glad you have a T to talk with. It can make all the difference in the world. I had no idea how disordered my marriage was either until I started in T and began reading some books. It was shocking to me after 35 years of marriage.

Take it one day at a time, and come here to share whenever you need to. Being on this board was a great help for me when I needed help coping and others to empathize with me. No one quite understood like the other members here.

 
Wools

[Tuxedo Cat]

Thank you Wools.  It’s been rough…I spent most of today crying actually.  Knowing who this person is (20 yrs younger) is devastating me. I just never thought he would do this to me.  Who knows why I thought that. Oh, he kept telling me he loved me,  consistently, even after he left. As my therapist tells me, BPDs are master manipulators.
That’s the thing I guess.  I confronted him, so hurt and angry.  But what did it matter? He will deny it no matter how obvious it is.  He doesn’t care about my hurt, my confusion, nothing.  My expressions of pain are like screaming into a void pretty much.  Facing that is so tough. I’m just trying to find my way out of the hurt. Trying to find that self respect.

[ForeverDad]

A lesson learned here is that we generally fail if we try to seek Closure from the problem person.  Better to Gift Yourself Closure some other way.

[BigOof]

"You can't reason with the Voice of Unreason..." - FD

[Woolspinner2000]

How are you doing today, TuxedoCat? Did you make it through the holiday okay? It's been kind'a quiet for me, but I sorted through boxes of Christmas items and put everything away. I did feel as if I accomplished something.

My best advice to you about how to get through this is to take it one day at a time, sometimes one hour at a time. The emotions will overwhelm you from time to time. Grief is like that, anger too. Anger tends to be a more surface emotion that hides what is really going on. Have you ever seen a feelings wheel? You can Google to find one. That helped me alot to identify what was going on inside of me when things were at the worst. I had to let the emotions come and go, like the waves on a shore. Find some healthy, helpful activities to do in between so that you don't stay down all the time. It will get easier with time, but the moments can be hard.

 
Wools

[ThanksForPlaying]

Wools - I like the feelings wheel. It's often used in CBT, which can be helpful for everyone - pwBPD and nons.

Two of my main takeaways from some of the CBT work I've done:

1) You CAN control your own feelings, although it's not easy. You do have a choice in how you act and feel, even though external events can be random. BPDs often say "you did something to upset me, therefore I had no choice but to rage". Accepting the inaccuracy of that statement is a key part of CBT.

2) While you CAN control your feelings with practice, feelings also change on their own with no effort from you. Everyone has a slightly different time cycle for how quickly feelings come and go, but if you're feeling bad or angry, if you can just hang on long enough, the feeling will pass. Sometimes it's a much quicker time period than you might think. A published study on alcoholic cravings a few years ago said the average length of a true "craving" is 8 minutes. As in, if you're craving a drug or alcohol fix, the strongest part of it often subsides in around 8 minutes. This isn't directly related to BPD, but I sometimes think about it when I'm feeling overwhelmed or stressed by pwBPD. The feeling will eventually pass for both them and me (if I can weather the storm long enough).

-TFP

[Tuxedo Cat]

Hi Wools, thanks for checking up on me.  I have been okay, spent time with dear, lifelong friends that I know I can trust.  One of the feelings on the wheel that I feel is despair, and that is coming from the unraveling of my natural trusting, optimistic personality.  Actually I think that’s a big part of what I’m grieving.  And it makes me angry that someone I loved actively tries to take that away. I still logically know I am who I am, I will trust but be wiser, but it makes me sad to my core that damage has been done.  Why wasn’t I taken care of and valued for being trusting?
I also feel kind of pitiful.  Through therapy and what I’ve learned in the books and here on this forum, I’m more aware of my pwBPD (and narcissistic traits)’s manipulations.  With all this that has been going on, I can see little things that are said and done to try and draw me in.  Also, I was so angry I said some unkind things and have spent time feeling guilty about that! Ugh!  The pitiful part is that I’ve let myself, just to take some of the sadness and grief away, entertain thoughts of everything magically getting better and him “loving” me again.  I rationally know it’s my bargaining mind and grieving heart, but it almost like a little vacation from feeling appalled, humiliated, betrayed.  Stuff I never felt before in my previous, illusionary version of my relationship.  I just love him, and so wish he knew how to love me. I’m working so hard to be aware of myself and of reality, which the manipulations confuse and distort.
It’s rough.  My therapist says the tears release cortisone.  So I guess I’ll let them come.  One day at a time, indeed, walking in reality.

[Tuxedo Cat]

Haha, just read the “things I never felt before” line. A little time clears the mind! Oh yes, I felt those things while in the relationship!
1. Appalled at the cutting insults he would say to me, things no one else would say, or that I would dare say to him
2. Humiliated a hundred tiny little criticisms that implied I was lazy (work and taking care of two kids and tired because of that)
3. Betrayed by the physical abuse and him promising to get help for himself but never did because my “demands felt punitive”
Oh the confused, clouded mind.  I wish I could get it to stick to one track and not get lost in emotion over and over again.