Please help me I’m losing it

[Boogie74]

  J has been essentially locking me out of her entire life.  She’s been binge watching Survivor from Season 1.  I have sort of watched an episode or 2 now and then with her- and if I dare ask a question, she declares, “Why don’t you try watching it and you’ll find out!” I ask again, “Why can’t you just tell me the jist of what ‘Redemption Island’ or ‘Super immunity idols’ are?” and she tells me never to talk to her- that “No means no!” as though I’m sexually harassing or assaulting her.

I made a noise in the kitchen cutting butter and she exclaimed “You break that and I’ll break YOU!” to which I fell into the trap of actually verbally defending myself.   I explained to her that her behavior is abusive to which she told me to shut up- that no one wants to hear from me and I should “go to my room”

This has become simply abuse.   No way around it.  I can’t do it anymore.   But I can’t do anything about it to put her behavior on record.   Police do no good- I called them once and the cop accused me of being an abusive partner.   “Men are abusers” is the mantra and I don’t want to be arrested and even have charges filed for domestic abuse despite the fact that I have NEVER harmed or threatened anyone let alone someone I’m in any relationship with.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[kells76]

This has become simply abuse.   No way around it.  I can’t do it anymore.

I think I'm reading you right, that you hit a tipping point and are done with the relationship? Is that accurate?

But I can’t do anything about it to put her behavior on record.   Police do no good- I called them once and the cop accused me of being an abusive partner.   “Men are abusers” is the mantra and I don’t want to be arrested and even have charges filed for domestic abuse despite the fact that I have NEVER harmed or threatened anyone let alone someone I’m in any relationship with.

So the question for you is then, how to exit the relationship while keeping yourself safe?

Asking and clarifying because I did just post on your other thread about an approach to take... based on you wanting to stay in the relationship or try new things. Do correct me if I'm wrong; the gist I'm getting now is that you have had an insight and are ready to leave safely?

[Boogie74]

I think I'm reading you right, that you hit a tipping point and are done with the relationship? Is that accurate?

So the question for you is then, how to exit the relationship while keeping yourself safe?

Short of some crazy miracle where she comes clean and tells me she needs help… Yes.  I have hit my breaking point.   I find myself now verbally defending myself and having angry bursts- saying and doing things that don’t help the situation (and are often hurtful and extremely regrettable).

I don’t like myself like that.   I don’t want to be the kind of person that is a doormat for constant name calling, complete isolation from any physical or emotional intimacy.   I’m the only one that has a job in this relationship.   All she does is make me go fetch things for her, buy her items and meals…

She does clean up the apartment, does dishes (she isn’t alone in that- I don’t see her as a maid).   But I can’t do much as say something to her without an immediate trigger to her being utterly annoyed that I have the audacity to interrupt her precious television program.

When she DOES talk to me, I’m generally forbidden from responding with my own thoughts - as in her opinion, “No one wants to hear what YOU have to say- your opinion isn’t wanted”

Her nephew and great nephew tested positive for COVID last week.   I asked several days later- have you hear about B?  How is he feeling?  And her response was, “Don’t ask about him! He’s my family and none of your concern!”

I should have left the relationship 6 years ago when she punched me and gave me a black eye because I didn’t want to go to the gas station and buy her a cheeseburger.   She completely dissociated when that happened and when she saw my face asked if she did that.   I said yes and she grabbed a knife and attempted to hurt herself.   I was very naive and did not call the police at that moment- unfortunately her alcoholic brother was in the apartment (drunk) and I was alone to figure out how to resolve the issue.

I am really hurting with this.  I have a therapist- but beyond that, there are ZERO men’s support groups or resources in my area for domestic abuse victims.

Just now, I looked online for domestic abuse support and 4 out of 5 items are literally titled “women’s help” or “safety from abusive men”

No one believes that men can be abused.   Please help me

[kells76]

No one believes that men can be abused.   Please help me

We believe you here. DV can and does happen to anyone, unfortunately, not "just women". I'm so sorry you're going through this.

Leaving a relationship can be a more dangerous time. As we keep this thread going and others join in (I know Rev has experience and insight into DV directed towards men), I'm wondering if you'd feel comfortable taking the "MOSAIC" assessment. It can help you understand your personal danger level quantitatively, from what I understand:

https://www.mosaicmethod.com/

For you, you'd click on the "Domestic Violence: Female Offender" button. You do not have to enter your real name.

We can start there and then walk with you through what you want to do next.

Keep checking in whenever works;

kells76

[thankful person]

Boogie I’m sorry you’re having such a hard time with your partner. I hope you can find the help and support you need on here. I can relate to the despair you feel. I’ve been with my wife seven years and we have two small children together. I am trying my hardest to make things work out for our little family. But if I’m honest, had I found this forum before we had children, I may have found the strength to leave. I am trying so hard to support and protect the children, for them to grow up mentally healthy. I’ve worked with children all my life and I know how to parent… but parenting with bpd wife… I had no idea. I don’t know whether either of you want children. But I think what I’m trying to say is, if you feel it’s right to get out of this relationship before any children come into the mix… then you should do that and hopefully a therapist can help you to understand why you chose such a partner and how to avoid it in future. We think we know how to avoid repeating patterns. But my wife… is so very different… from my ex. But I clearly jumped out of the frying pan into the fire here. I wish you all the best.

[Boogie74]

We have no children.   At this stage I doubt we will- as we have zero level of intimacy.   She won’t talk to me unless absolutely necessary- let alone touch me or have sex.

I am trying SOO hard to be a giving and loving open partner.   She won’t reciprocate any offer of sharing or being positive or loving.   If I buy things to eat- it’s the wrong thing or they screw it up because it doesn’t taste good and it wouldn’t have happened had I gone somewhere else.

I can’t express remorse or sorrow for her pain- as it is “not real” to her.   There is not a single thing she gives back into the relationship.   For 6 years, she has asked me to rub her feet prior to sleeping- I complied some 90-95% of the time.   She asked me to rub her back- which I was 40-100% into doing depending on my mood (she does not comprehend that people aren’t machines and have varying moods and feelings).   

She has not rubbed my feet or back one single time (I gave up on asking- as she refused- “You know MY back hurts- thats why I ask you to do it”).   She makes tiny requests for things like “fill my water” or “close the balcony door” and while I begin to start this task she adds another task on and berates me for prioritizing the two tasks in the wrong order.  I had been forbidden to fall asleep while watching a show or movie- because if I wanted to, I could just stay awake and it was a sign of my selfishness.   

If I forgot to do something like take the trash out or if I procrastinate on something like this, I am beyond a piece of sh1t and in her words “a waste of human life”

I suffer from psoriasis- which causes skin to flake and accordingly, I am at fault for skin flakes on furniture or the floor.   If I scratch an itch (sometimes it will flake) I am doing it out of disservice to her- because I know she has allergies and I “don’t care about her”

I am forbidden to eat or drink things that she mentally claims as “hers and hers only” (example: she owns the apple juice or the 12 pack of soda or the party size bag of potato chips)

As I type this I am reminded more and more that this isn’t a relationship- she is an abusive person.   On the other hand I cannot stop the inkling in my head that I have some control to be a better person than I have been- as in the past I have retaliated with HORRIBLE and very hurtful things- as I cannot help but erupt like a volcano to the abuse.

I am feeling very broken in this

[grumpydonut]

Makes little difference to your situation, but this sounds like psychopathy or severe NPD > BPD.

Document everything. When you've decided to cut and run, do not hint at it. Just do it. If you hint, she will notice and THAT is when you will be in most danger of false accusations.

Please be extremely careful. You sound like you are in a lot of danger.

[Boogie74]

Makes little difference to your situation, but this sounds like psychopathy or severe NPD > BPD.

Document everything. When you've decided to cut and run, do not hint at it. Just do it. If you hint, she will notice and THAT is when you will be in most danger of false accusations.

Please be extremely careful. You sound like you are in a lot of danger.

I have no idea how to begin to cut out of this.   It’s sad- as I have plenty of money at my disposal.   We share 3 cats- she “claims” two of them- and I would miss them dearly.  She has no job, her car is in disrepair, we have some common physical assets.   

I suppose that if I were to move, I would have to find a place to live, write a check for deposit etc- I can’t just do this in secret.

[grumpydonut]

Maybe a lawyer is a good idea?

Do you want to leave this person, though?

[Turkish]

As I type this I am reminded more and more that this isn’t a relationship- she is an abusive person.   On the other hand I cannot stop the inkling in my head that I have some control to be a better person than I have been-

Boogie74,

I Didn't go through near what you are going through, but this reminds me of what my ex said early on when I moved in, "you know what pissses me off so don't do it!" This was over her getting angry at me for using the timed setting to do my own laundry. She had no concept that I had used laundromat from the time I was 12 until I was 37 and moved in with her.

My ex pulled the food control thing with her husband, the guy she left me for, as he ate the kids' food. Sorry, but if you're co-habitating and certainly married, food is food, short of clearly defined boundaries (which IMO would be for diabetics, gluten-free, vegan or such similar).

You're recognizing that you're being abused, and you've been the victim of her criminal battery previously. Emotional and verbal abuse can be as damaging and traumatic to your psyche as physical abuse.

Have any of the communication tools here worked for you to reduce conflict? Do you have a safety plan?

[thankful person]

Hey Boogie,
Not sure if you saw the post on here a few below from @bugwaterguy about the last resort technique: https://marriageworks.com.au/relationship-advice-for-couple-counselling/the-last-resort-technique-marriage-saving/
I looked at this the other day and it interested me. While my relationship has its ups and downs, I could have done with this info last year when things were really bad. It sounds like you are trying so hard to get things right.. when actually that makes things worse.
Although things aren’t so bad with my wife atm, I’ve personally found that it helps not to engage with bending over backwards trying to say or do the right thing. This link seems to be the extreme version of this, what I’ve read in the “stop caretaking” book. It actually says it is a good idea because you would also be mentally in a better place, even if your relationship ends.
Have there ever been false accusations when your partner involved other people? Or is it all just attacking you in private? You mentioned about her mother the other day. Does she tell her mother bad things about you (do you think?) Or would she not because her parents know you’re a good person? The few times I have been alone with my wife’s parents and hinted at her horrible behaviour, they are totally in agreement and on my side. But I only made such hints because they aren’t the type to interfere. Her dad’s words: “you don’t want to rock the boat? You need to capsize the fkn boat!” I’m actually surprised they’re still talking as he disowned his other two daughters. They are a strange family to be fair. I get on with the guy but I wouldn’t want him to be my dad.
Of course you’ve been horrible back to her. I’m sure many of us on here have responded in such a way. Don’t berate yourself for not being able to handle an impossible person calmly and kindly and without anger. I’m experienced working with children with extreme autism with difficult behaviours. They are so much easier to handle and communicate with than my wife. I don’t know if I’ll ever be as knowledgeable as our friends on here.
Anyway, check out the link and see what you think?
My thoughts are with you.

[Cat Familiar]

Boogie,
I’m so sorry you’re going through this. From what you describe, this is not *garden variety BPD* where selective word choice and employing new behavioral patterns is likely to be successful. This is far worse and you are definitely in an abusive relationship.

There is growing awareness of men being abused by their female partners. Have you checked with any local domestic violence organizations? That might be a good place to begin.

Cat

[Boogie74]

Boogie,
I’m so sorry you’re going through this. From what you describe, this is not *garden variety BPD* where selective word choice and employing new behavioral patterns is likely to be successful. This is far worse and you are definitely in an abusive relationship.

There is growing awareness of men being abused by their female partners. Have you checked with any local domestic violence organizations? That might be a good place to begin.

Cat

I don’t know how to say this, but this kind of recognition is both comforting and frightening at the same time.   I feel like I have lost a support group- in that there is not much that can be helped with my situation.

All of the local abuse supports in my area “claim” to be available to all genders, races, religions, etc- but the policies reveal that it is REALLY for women only- and slant towards those who are Christians as well.

When places like Harbor House don’t even allow men to volunteer at the front lines, it’s a big disconnect.   Other local groups are offered by Church charities- which tend to offer services so long as you are open to proselytizing by the Church.

[Cat Familiar]

UGH! 

[Couscous]

I’m wondering if you might be able to book a consultation or two with a therapist who specializes in domestic or narcissistic abuse? Sometimes these kinds of therapists also run therapy groups.

[Boogie74]

The worst part of it is (I know this is common with abuse victims)- I am constantly keeping the possibility (however unlikely) that I hold some responsibility in provoking some actions- as I admit that I (as a human) get angry.   In anger, I DO retaliate with horrible things said. 

But then reason comes back to my mind and I realize that my “instigation” is what happens when a person is given zero validation for his own mood, ideas or perspectives.   When the ONLY options in a disagreement (no matter how tiny), the ONLY answer is that one person is wrong by default and there is NO discussion or attempt by the other person to understand or even digest the arguments or statements of the former person.   Person A is always wrong and at fault (even in no fault issues) and person B is always right and the “victim” of every circumstance.

When the only option is to simply TAKE it and smile, then anger builds… right?

[Cat Familiar]

Maybe rather than thinking *provoking* which implies intent, think *triggering* which does not. Really, anything can *trigger* a person with BPD, even inanimate objects.

Other than the cats, why do you stay with her? (I stayed with my abusive ex because of the cats among other reasons.) What are the positive aspects of being in your relationship? What drew you two together in the first place?