hours of uncertainty and a lifetime of... not sure.

[Depression = 72% of members]

Dated 6 years
Married 10 years
 

It started in 2005 as teenagers. My SO liked to drink. A lot. But as a kid myself, I thought it was just normal teenage, partying that I wasn't interested in. He was outgoing and gorgeous so his partying was something I overlooked.  I'm a wet blanket, always have been. I'm a homebody or enjoy nature, sober. Eventually, we were engaged, married, and pregnant.  By the time I announced my pregnancy, he was full-blown, nightly drinking and smoking marijuana. One night, he was intoxicated after a Christmas party and he said the baby wasn't his. He insisted I was sleeping with his friends. News to me. He sobered up, apologized. I tolerate A LOT.  We lived together during my pregnancy but I spent 85% of my time alone, in a different room, or with my family. He didn't really take time to live in the pregnancy stage. He didn't enjoy baby clothes shopping and picking a name took an hour at most.
 
My SO bonded with our son right after birth. He cried at the delivery and then our first day home was happy tears.   He's always wanted to show our son affection and teach him new things. He was abandoned by his own father around the age of 2 and once they revived their relationship in 2017, he passed away from a drug overdose within a month.  He was raised from age 7 by a very strict and unaffectionate, high-ranked military stepfather, and addict mother. Very hectic childhood. Moved every 4 years and spend most of his time in his bedroom or surfing if they were stationed on a coast. Leading into adulthood where he has a very unstable relationship with his alcoholic mother and no father figure, per se. His mother has more negative to say about him than positive. Calls him a complicated child and once said she didn't like him because of who his father was. She openly places a lot of blame on him for how her life was because she was pregnant at 15.  One time, she went around the table at a gathering to say why she loved each of her children. For my SO, she loves him because he changes her car's oil. She doesn't have a relationship with our son but adores her other grandchildren.

After 8 years of drinking 5-6 nights a week, consistently driving home and not remembering how, recking our cars in ditches, using stronger (pills and white powders, if you catch me) substances while under the influence and not remembering until later told by his drinking buddies, a DUI dropped to Reckless Driving, 2 years probation, $1,200 ticket, 1-year license suspension, and tow and impound fees on our only family vehicle at the time, he decided it was time to do something drastic to quit drinking. He micro-dosed psilocybin for two weeks for a complete cut of alcohol. It has been about a year now.  He's still using marijuana but I choose my battles.  We are now trying to work on financial responsibility because he was literally working to drink, smoke and party for 8 years.  Although he's well educated, paid, and trained in his career, I've been the sole breadwinner and bill payer since our son was 5 months old.   I wanted to lay this out because it shows substance abuse and extremely reckless behavior. 

Around June this year, things took an even worse turn for me.   What could be worse than the 8-year gap that I can't remember how I stayed married and lived in the same home as my SO?   Now he's decided I am either an angel or a devil depending on how the wind is blowing, it feels.  It's deeper. He insists I've been cheating since day 1.  He insists I am on dating apps and am secretly sneaking out at 3 am to have sex with strangers in the neighborhood. He's gone as far as to set up "traps" at the doors.  Leaning his fishing pole against the door from the outside or placing a string on doorknobs.

BUT this isn't all of the time. Other times, he admires me.  We get along well and discuss the future. He's flying high and taking on new projects, managing what money has left from Friday.  An hour later, he's insisting I made eye contact with the man in aisle 4 and he's my lover.  I shut down. I'm upset because it makes NO sense to me.  Was there even a man in aisle 4?  I'm confused and he's mean mugging me on the ride home and whispering he's not blind to my affairs.  I've never had an affair. Ever. I've put up with a lot from this man over 16 years and never once did I step out. I've never had a dating profile, I've never had a romantic relationship with anyone but this man in 16 years.  In those moments though, I'm a liar to him.  My word means nothing. The many years I was alone in my daily life but married, I stayed faithful, paid all the bills, sacrificed buying nice things for myself. I joined Al-Anon in the basement of a creepy hospital just to understand his drinking. Those years mean nothing. 

About two hours later, he'll be in bed, blanket over his head, crying because he's depressed and nothing, not even the new project he started, makes him happy. I'll console him and he'll be begging me not to give up on him because he's trying. "Can't I see?" He tells me when he's thinking wild things to just hug him and tell him to stop.  I know that will never work! When he's wild, he's wild. My touch just ticks him off more.

An hour later tears have stopped and we may decide to get fresh air on the patio or watch a show. If it's a show, a scene will be hilarious until it's not!  Now I'm finding something funny that's offensive to him, even though 2 minutes ago we were both laughing. If we are outside on the patio, a car that he's never seen may drive by. As if he knows all the neighbor's visitor's cars. Suddenly, that car with tinted windows was driving too slow and the driver may have looked over. It must be one of my lovers driving by to see if he's home!

 The cycle restarts. I go inside, upset because I have no lovers outside my marriage. I'll do housework while he mumbles to himself about cheaters and puts heavy metal rock on his phone.

There are so many triggers for him.  Christmas lights, forget it. He believed they were used to signal for my lovers at night. Green, red, or dark nail polishes mean I'm evil or trying to find a new lover.  Over 2 years ago, I redecorated our patio and added a black and white rug and it was never an issue. Since June, he hates the rug. We live in a diverse southern community and apparently, the rug signals that I'm interested in our black neighbor now. Our kitchen has been black, gray and yellow for 5 years. Now he hates it and that's another sign to the neighbor who's never seen inside our home. My SO has never shown to be racist in all these years so this obsession is wild to me. If I buy a type of material in clothing he's never noticed before, like a cashmere sweater, it means he doesn't know me and he wants to know what "other" secrets I am keeping. And I'll think how does a cashmere sweater cause an argument and I will never wear it again. However, a few weeks later, he may see it and ask why I don't wear it because it looked so good on me.

Last night, the insanity was over the edge. This brings me here. My SO doesn't use social media. He has an old account that he never uses.  However, he decided to check it for the first time in years. An old high school friend sent him a message years ago and it was a meme about a girl, a hotdog, and her throat. Gross but somehow... it came back on to me. He believes because this friend sent him this meme YEARS AGO that I must have done this act with his former friend and he's getting teased for "not knowing."  When I was stunned and denying I have any idea why I am being traced to this.  He said my sister, whom I am very close with, said I have cheated on him and also, that a male friend I had at the start of our relationship said I cheated with him. Of course, I called his bluff because I know none of these are true.  It was like he was creating this situation where he wanted me to admit to things that aren't true by lying about lies? He said I have narcissistic traits and "broke up" with me for the 100th time in 9 years. Let's explore why he thinks I have narcissistic traits; He blames me for his relationship with his mother.  I "isolated'' him despite the fact I've been the one for years to ask him to return her calls because she starts to call me and text me, then blame me for not telling him she wants him to call her. He says no because she will put him down over the phone.  I let it go.  And I "love bomb" him. He feels that I show him affection and suddenly take it away.  Take it away when I've been verbally and emotionally assaulted? Who in their right minds continues to hold someone's hand or kiss them after they've been falsely accused of cheating for the 5th time that day? 

  Before bed, he apologized. I didn't accept but just went to sleep. This morning, he was once again insisting I am a liar and don't love him because I didn't make his morning easier by cuddling him before making his coffee but he still needed gas money for work as he spent his work paper check(I don't get to see it because he cashes it) on marijuana and THC 8 vape pens to medicate and gas to drive around when he was feeling sad, as always. We're supposed to be working on financial responsibility for him... but only when he's depressed, then I should have access to handling both incomes to make ends meet for the family.  Payday means he's not depressed but flying high and spending and I'm evil and controlling if I suggest he sets aside money to make it to work all week from his own check like we discussed when he was crying in bed just days ago.

It's strange because I've disconnected I think.  Some days I would rather deal with a drunk.  He wants therapy when he doesn't hate me but when he's enraged, not a chance. I'm the irrational one who needs therapy. I have numerous BPD support books and started to learn about DBT because I am desperate.  I want to find peace more than anything and I want to find that peace with him. He's an amazing, affectionate, giving person who would do anything for his family... until he's not that person.

[Iris_H]

Dated 6 years
Married 10 years
 

It started in 2005 as teenagers. My SO liked to drink. A lot. But as a kid myself, I thought it was just normal teenage, partying that I wasn't interested in. He was outgoing and gorgeous so his partying was something I overlooked.  I'm a wet blanket, always have been. I'm a homebody or enjoy nature, sober. Eventually, we were engaged, married, and pregnant.  By the time I announced my pregnancy, he was full-blown, nightly drinking and smoking marijuana. One night, he was intoxicated after a Christmas party and he said the baby wasn't his. He insisted I was sleeping with his friends. News to me. He sobered up, apologized. I tolerate A LOT.  We lived together during my pregnancy but I spent 85% of my time alone, in a different room, or with my family. He didn't really take time to live in the pregnancy stage. He didn't enjoy baby clothes shopping and picking a name took an hour at most.
 
My SO bonded with our son right after birth. He cried at the delivery and then our first day home was happy tears.   He's always wanted to show our son affection and teach him new things. He was abandoned by his own father around the age of 2 and once they revived their relationship in 2017, he passed away from a drug overdose within a month.  He was raised from age 7 by a very strict and unaffectionate, high-ranked military stepfather, and addict mother. Very hectic childhood. Moved every 4 years and spend most of his time in his bedroom or surfing if they were stationed on a coast. Leading into adulthood where he has a very unstable relationship with his alcoholic mother and no father figure, per se. His mother has more negative to say about him than positive. Calls him a complicated child and once said she didn't like him because of who his father was. She openly places a lot of blame on him for how her life was because she was pregnant at 15.  One time, she went around the table at a gathering to say why she loved each of her children. For my SO, she loves him because he changes her car's oil. She doesn't have a relationship with our son but adores her other grandchildren.

After 8 years of drinking 5-6 nights a week, consistently driving home and not remembering how, recking our cars in ditches, using stronger (pills and white powders, if you catch me) substances while under the influence and not remembering until later told by his drinking buddies, a DUI dropped to Reckless Driving, 2 years probation, $1,200 ticket, 1-year license suspension, and tow and impound fees on our only family vehicle at the time, he decided it was time to do something drastic to quit drinking. He micro-dosed psilocybin for two weeks for a complete cut of alcohol. It has been about a year now.  He's still using marijuana but I choose my battles.  We are now trying to work on financial responsibility because he was literally working to drink, smoke and party for 8 years.  Although he's well educated, paid, and trained in his career, I've been the sole breadwinner and bill payer since our son was 5 months old.   I wanted to lay this out because it shows substance abuse and extremely reckless behavior. 

Around June this year, things took an even worse turn for me.   What could be worse than the 8-year gap that I can't remember how I stayed married and lived in the same home as my SO?   Now he's decided I am either an angel or a devil depending on how the wind is blowing, it feels.  It's deeper. He insists I've been cheating since day 1.  He insists I am on dating apps and am secretly sneaking out at 3 am to have sex with strangers in the neighborhood. He's gone as far as to set up "traps" at the doors.  Leaning his fishing pole against the door from the outside or placing a string on doorknobs.

BUT this isn't all of the time. Other times, he admires me.  We get along well and discuss the future. He's flying high and taking on new projects, managing what money has left from Friday.  An hour later, he's insisting I made eye contact with the man in aisle 4 and he's my lover.  I shut down. I'm upset because it makes NO sense to me.  Was there even a man in aisle 4?  I'm confused and he's mean mugging me on the ride home and whispering he's not blind to my affairs.  I've never had an affair. Ever. I've put up with a lot from this man over 16 years and never once did I step out. I've never had a dating profile, I've never had a romantic relationship with anyone but this man in 16 years.  In those moments though, I'm a liar to him.  My word means nothing. The many years I was alone in my daily life but married, I stayed faithful, paid all the bills, sacrificed buying nice things for myself. I joined Al-Anon in the basement of a creepy hospital just to understand his drinking. Those years mean nothing. 

About two hours later, he'll be in bed, blanket over his head, crying because he's depressed and nothing, not even the new project he started, makes him happy. I'll console him and he'll be begging me not to give up on him because he's trying. "Can't I see?" He tells me when he's thinking wild things to just hug him and tell him to stop.  I know that will never work! When he's wild, he's wild. My touch just ticks him off more.

An hour later tears have stopped and we may decide to get fresh air on the patio or watch a show. If it's a show, a scene will be hilarious until it's not!  Now I'm finding something funny that's offensive to him, even though 2 minutes ago we were both laughing. If we are outside on the patio, a car that he's never seen may drive by. As if he knows all the neighbor's visitor's cars. Suddenly, that car with tinted windows was driving too slow and the driver may have looked over. It must be one of my lovers driving by to see if he's home!

 The cycle restarts. I go inside, upset because I have no lovers outside my marriage. I'll do housework while he mumbles to himself about cheaters and puts heavy metal rock on his phone.

There are so many triggers for him.  Christmas lights, forget it. He believed they were used to signal for my lovers at night. Green, red, or dark nail polishes mean I'm evil or trying to find a new lover.  Over 2 years ago, I redecorated our patio and added a black and white rug and it was never an issue. Since June, he hates the rug. We live in a diverse southern community and apparently, the rug signals that I'm interested in our black neighbor now. Our kitchen has been black, gray and yellow for 5 years. Now he hates it and that's another sign to the neighbor who's never seen inside our home. My SO has never shown to be racist in all these years so this obsession is wild to me. If I buy a type of material in clothing he's never noticed before, like a cashmere sweater, it means he doesn't know me and he wants to know what "other" secrets I am keeping. And I'll think how does a cashmere sweater cause an argument and I will never wear it again. However, a few weeks later, he may see it and ask why I don't wear it because it looked so good on me.

Last night, the insanity was over the edge. This brings me here. My SO doesn't use social media. He has an old account that he never uses.  However, he decided to check it for the first time in years. An old high school friend sent him a message years ago and it was a meme about a girl, a hotdog, and her throat. Gross but somehow... it came back on to me. He believes because this friend sent him this meme YEARS AGO that I must have done this act with his former friend and he's getting teased for "not knowing."  When I was stunned and denying I have any idea why I am being traced to this.  He said my sister, whom I am very close with, said I have cheated on him and also, that a male friend I had at the start of our relationship said I cheated with him. Of course, I called his bluff because I know none of these are true.  It was like he was creating this situation where he wanted me to admit to things that aren't true by lying about lies? He said I have narcissistic traits and "broke up" with me for the 100th time in 9 years. Let's explore why he thinks I have narcissistic traits; He blames me for his relationship with his mother.  I "isolated'' him despite the fact I've been the one for years to ask him to return her calls because she starts to call me and text me, then blame me for not telling him she wants him to call her. He says no because she will put him down over the phone.  I let it go.  And I "love bomb" him. He feels that I show him affection and suddenly take it away.  Take it away when I've been verbally and emotionally assaulted? Who in their right minds continues to hold someone's hand or kiss them after they've been falsely accused of cheating for the 5th time that day? 

  Before bed, he apologized. I didn't accept but just went to sleep. This morning, he was once again insisting I am a liar and don't love him because I didn't make his morning easier by cuddling him before making his coffee but he still needed gas money for work as he spent his work paper check(I don't get to see it because he cashes it) on marijuana and THC 8 vape pens to medicate and gas to drive around when he was feeling sad, as always. We're supposed to be working on financial responsibility for him... but only when he's depressed, then I should have access to handling both incomes to make ends meet for the family.  Payday means he's not depressed but flying high and spending and I'm evil and controlling if I suggest he sets aside money to make it to work all week from his own check like we discussed when he was crying in bed just days ago.

It's strange because I've disconnected I think.  Some days I would rather deal with a drunk.  He wants therapy when he doesn't hate me but when he's enraged, not a chance. I'm the irrational one who needs therapy. I have numerous BPD support books and started to learn about DBT because I am desperate.  I want to find peace more than anything and I want to find that peace with him. He's an amazing, affectionate, giving person who would do anything for his family... until he's not that person.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Cat Familiar]

Has he been officially diagnosed with BPD or did you just arrive at this by observation? Is he doing therapy? You?

You paint a very clear picture of his instability. Do you think things have improved by cutting out alcohol? Also do you see a decline in functioning in daily life?

[bugwaterguy]

These stories sound like others on this board - we are here to support you.

I would echo CatFamiliar's question if you are in therapy.

Have you read any of the BPD books?  Stop Walking On Eggshells is a great first start.