Broken up by my BPD-ex and I want to go back

[MaryPoppins12345]

Hi all,

This is the first time I’m posting to this forum and in advance I would like to appreciate the help.I’m on a tough journey.

I’ve been in a relationship with a BPD partner for 1,5 year which definitely ended 1 month and 9 days ago. We lived together for 11 months and throughout those months there were around 4 “flips”/“crisis” with him suddenly wanting to break up. He had extreme mood swings, was very insecure, doubt whether everyone liked him (even mysef), did not trust me although I had never given reasons not to do so and seemed a different person when he had those flips/crisis.

I moved together with him as he was forced (due to work) to live in another city. I went with him (I work remote). I always gave my support and even went to therapy as I was devoted to help him (he was seeing a psychologist which I don’t think was specialized in these disorders and around 1mo ago started medication after seeing a psychiatrist).

When we broke up he told me he loved me and our relationship was great but he wasn’t ready for a relationship like ours. He also told me he wanted to be alone for a while and grow and be independent, experience new things as he might regret it in the future. I understand the part about growing up as he had some internal struggles but I believe if you have someone you love supporting you the journey is smoother. Even the day before we were fine and loving each other which makes the separation hard to accept.

We were also planning to move to some place else at the end of the year. We discussed one possibility which I was found of (close to our family) but at the end he did not want it. I told him I would go to him to anywhere else, what was important is that he could find a place that would make him grow professional - I gave him the space. Days after the day he broke up he told me he got a call from the place I wanted us to live in saying they had an offer. He didn’t tell me or discuss it with which I am very sad about. I belive he thinks that if he told me about the offer and that he didn’t wanted to go that I could abandon him, which I would never! And he knows it (I went with him before and always gave the space to choose).But now I wonder if I should have been more direct, communicate better? The blaming game with myself now starts.

He also once told he felt a lot of pressure to make me happy (and I was happy just loving him).

It’s been 1 month and 9 days now. We haven’t contacted for a while (only for admin stuff). I started medication for sleeping and depression. I’ve read a lot about BPD and I still want us to go back together, I believe he can get better.

He’s now moving to another city.

How should I approach reconciliation? Should I give him some space?

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[Jabiru]

Hi MaryPoppins12345 It sounds tough to go through that. If you've let him know you're open to reconnecting, it may be best to leave it at that and give him more time to process everything. Take some time for yourself and do things you enjoy.

But now I wonder if I should have been more direct, communicate better? The blaming game with myself now starts.

Be gentle with yourself. As you've recognized, you can do A or B but it can still be a trigger to him. As long as you keep your integrity, don't dwell on "if I did this / didn't ...". It may help your sleep, depression, anxiety, and overall mental health. Reading the books Stop Walking on Eggshells and Stop Caretaking the Borderline or Narcissist may help you develop healthier relationship patterns which are common for many of us here who have chosen to stay with a BPD loved one.

Hope things go well. Let us know if any questions or concerns.