My bpd boyfriend is breaking up with me, should i give up?

[Lara801]

Hello, this is my first post and i am really stuck and don't know what to do.
Me and my boyfriend have been together for alnost 2 years now. At the beginning of course everything was nice and smooth but after the honeymoon period everything started turning into chaos. He started asking me to cut relationships with friends, remove people from social media.. Etc
I agreed after lots of fights and then that wasn't enough he still think that all that wasn't enough and that i hurt him for taking time to remove people from social media and life. He says if the relationship is more important i would have done all that without thinking twice.
I even changed my phone number to avoid any contacts that would bring us trouble. But every now and then he goes on my social media account looking for anything that would piss him off even if it was way before i met him.
Now we were getting engaged in 2 weeks and now real hell begun he picks fights for every breath i take. And suddenly brought a 10 year old post that pissed him off (which wouldn't pissoff any other human being) and decided to breakup with me. Or if we go on i need to be obedient in everything he asks me to do including cutting all social media connections.
I don't really know what to do, i feel cornered and helpless. Should i do what he asks or let the relationship end.
Ps : i do love him, and i believe that deep down inside of him he loves me too(or maybe it's just what i want to believe).

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Gemsforeyes]

Dear Lara-

Welcome to our community.  I’m glad you have joined us but very sorry for the pain and confusion that brings you here.  However...  this seems to be the exact right time for you to be here - before marriage, before babies - so that any decisions you make are with eyes wide open.

Understanding that he has BPD (I’m assuming he’s been diagnosed?), have you had the opportunity to learn any of the communication tools that are vital to these relationships.  We can address later.

How I read what you’ve written is that your BPDbf is repeatedly telling you who you can and cannot have friendships with - does that include both men and women?  Are you “allowed” to continue to communicate with and see your women friends?  All of them?  Or does your BPDbf tell you who and when you can see your friends?  And talk by phone with them?

Are you currently working or are you a student?  What about people with whom you work or study?  How do you handle those relationships?

Finally, what about your family members?  Have any of those relationships changed since you began this relationship with your BF?

I’m sorry I didn’t notice, but Are you living together?

On this “staying board”, we cannot advise you to stay or leave. 

What I can suggest, is that for the moment, while it seems you have some quiet time, is to simply and privately hit your personal *pause* button.  Do nothing but sit and write down your thoughts.  Please take your time and journal. These thoughts are just for you. -  write down the Good, bad, happy, loving, ugly, angry, scary, past, current, future, hopes, dreams, fears.  All of it.   YOUR thoughts.  No input from anyone else.

And feel this possibility - if BPDbf continues on this road of demanding “obedience”, what does that look like to you?  What does that FEEL like to you? Is that what you want for the rest of your life?

How would life feel if the ONLY adult *allowed* in your life were him?

Aside from his social media demands and restrictions, and his telephone restriction, are there any other areas of your life where he demonstrates controlling behaviors?

Let’s continue to talk.  I believe you’ll develop the confidence to come to your own conclusions.  There is no rush to any of this.  And if you want expanded discussions, you can post on the “Conflicted Board”.

The saddest part of all of this is that you cannot not fix him or love him to wellness.  It just doesn’t work that way.  I tried for years.

Warmly,
Gemsforeyes

[Lara801]

Dear Gemsforeyes,
Thank you for taking the time to comment on my post.
No he hasn't been diagnosed but i believe that all things said and done are the traits for bpd. I mean the constant mood changes, the white and black, the splitting and the impulsivity, also the extreme anger outbursts. he also has a hard time connecting with people.
Regarding therapy, we were one step away from getting therapy after a lot of discussions we finally decided to see a therapist and even booked an appointment but then he suddenly flipped and made me cancel as he said he doesn't believe that he has something wrong with him and that no one can help him and that his issues are happening because of what i do (which i have no idea what would that be, bacause up till now i did all what he asked)
To be honest his concerns are mainly about me having men friends, he stated that he won't accept any men in my life other than my family (which also i sometimes feel that when i spend time with them it's a threat to him)
Anyway i agreed and cutoff any connects with any male friend. But he also made it clear that anything out of my daily routine stresses him, i mean if i go out with my mom or family member it makes him uncomfortable.
We are not living together but sometimes we go on holidays together and these are the only times when i can feel like we are okay.
I am currently not working but when i brought the idea of working up it turned into a fight as he didn't like that.
I am really not sure if this behavior is just controlling behavior or it's fear.
It always feels that our life could be fine and smooth if we are the only 2 people living on the planet.

[Cat Familiar]

Lara, please read this article: https://bpdfamily.com/content/characteristics-healthy-relationships  and let us know what you think.

[thankful person]

Hi Lara,
I recognise much of your story as being familiar to the early years of my own. I have been with my wife for seven years, married for four. We have two small children.
Essentially, I’m glad you found us and the forum here. As Gems said, now is the time to really think carefully about whether you want to be with this person forever. Especially if you are thinking about having children with him, as in a perfect world it would be just you two right?
Being in a relationship with someone who has bpd is extremely hard work. Here you will learn the tools, advice, amazing supportive friends, if you want to go down that route.
I have found, after having learnt so much here just the past few months, that I can improve things on my own, without my wife working at it as such. But I also now understand that my wife will never change to a large extent. When things are good, they’re amazing. I do not regret having these amazing children in my life. But I worry for them. This jealous controlling behaviours you describe… try to imagine reading your baby a story and being ordered to STOP READING TO HER AND PUT HER DOWN, if your bf was jealous of the love between you and your baby. Imagine actually following these orders because you feel it’s less upsetting for the child than him going on and on and getting louder, more angry, more upset. This is what happened to me. My relationship is getting stronger, and I am getting stronger, with the support and knowledge I have gained on here.. But I know it will never be a “normal” relationship. I know that when my parents pass away, I will be more concerned about controlling my emotions in front of my wife than anything else, due to her jealousy of my relationship with them.
We are here to help you. I think it would also benefit you to get into therapy where you can discuss how and why you ended up in such a relationship. For me it was definitely very low self worth and feeling I needed to save someone in order to be worthy of being alive. Now that I am concerned for my children’s mental health and future, I am working so hard to look after myself, stand up for myself and my children, and model self compassion, for them. I just want to be there for them. Protect them from their mother. Who I love very deeply, but at times is less mature than my two year old.

[Lara801]

Thank you everyone for helping.
Sadly it's over.
He doesn't want to stay anymore.
He said that there is nothing i could do that would make him feel happy.
I think i am completely devalued now.
He told me that even if i removed all social media now he would still feel that i have been hiding things from him for the past few months (which isn't true as i truly wasn't hiding anything).
And he won't consider that this feeling he has might be coming from inside of him not because of my actions.
He is holding me responsible for how he feels and that i am the reason he is acting this way, although at the same time he admits that he has been like that all his life, i mean he only sees black and white and if he feels hurt even if it wasn't meant he wouldn't ever let go.
So thank you all for sharing advice with me.
And i hope everything worksout better for eveyone..

[mitten]

And feel this possibility - if BPDbf continues on this road of demanding “obedience”, what does that look like to you?  What does that FEEL like to you? Is that what you want for the rest of your life?

How would life feel if the ONLY adult *allowed* in your life were him?

I think what Gemsforeyes said is key.   I see that you mentioned he just broke up with you.  Sorry that you're going through this.  There is a chance he will try to get back with you, or that you will decide you want to get back with him.  So It's important that you still think through these points.

One of my biggest regrets in my BPD relationship is that I allowed my uBPDw to make me cut out anyone who she felt threatened by.  I had a really good friend of the opposite sex before I started dating my wife.  There was zero romantic attraction to her, but my wife was still threatened by her.    I cut my friend completely out of my life because I was afraid of the tension it caused in the relationship with my uBPDw.  Now that I know what BPD is I often think about going back to my friend and apologizing, and explaining the BPD situation... however that's probably not a good idea for obvious reasons. 

Anyway, BPD is a lifelong issue that counseling will not change regardless of how hard you try.  If the opportunity to get back together arises, make sure you've thought through what you want for your life before making any moves.