Moving on and finding yourself again

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Venting more than anything but would like to hear success stories.

 After a 5 year relationship with a uBPD and last 2 years of them being discarded, abused and devalued, it’s not easy to find the way back to who I was. I can’t deny that self image took a hit even when knowing the dynamics of devaluation and the nature of the disorder.

 All the facts of being very successful, creative , fun to be around …etc are not enough to cast self doubt. I know the way back but the very beginning is hard. I also think I made my recovery stall because I kept sorta seeing her. The first step is to sever that bond.

[NotAHero]

Venting more than anything but would like to hear success stories.

 After a 5 year relationship with a uBPD and last 2 years of them being discarded, abused and devalued, it’s not easy to find the way back to who I was. I can’t deny that self image took a hit even when knowing the dynamics of devaluation and the nature of the disorder.

 All the facts of being very successful, creative , fun to be around …etc are not enough to cast self doubt. I know the way back but the very beginning is hard. I also think I made my recovery stall because I kept sorta seeing her. The first step is to sever that bond.

[judee]

hi there,
Sorry to hear you are going through this.
It is true what you say, the longer the contact the more you postpone healing.
On a positive note, the loss of self due to staying too long in an abusive relationship is not something she took away from you... it is a boundary that you couldn't set in the first place. and that is most likely caused by a lack of self-esteem even before you met her.
Knowing this it is more like she was the whistleblower for a problem deep within you and you eventually listened. So that is a good thing!
Now about finding yourself back.. you will. Take small steps, as small as what you would like to eat that day, who you would like to talk to, what you enjoy doing.
Ask yourself all the time how things that are happening make you feel. Also the contact with your ex. Interview yourself.
I believe you writing here is already a sign you are on your way back and I wish for you that when you find yourself again, you will never let go.

[finallyout]

I am sorry to hear that, and I can totally feel your pain. I, too, was with my ex-gf for about 5 years, and we had a child together. Now, after breaking up with her, I am starting to notice that I became a shell of a person. This relationship has sucked the life out of me and left me dead inside. Everyone around me tells me that I am very different from how I used to be. I was outgoing, full of energy and had passion for things. Not anymore.

As Judee stated above, I do also believe that the bpd partner was just a trigger to an already existing self-esteem issue. The bpd partner did not really create this issue, but he/she sensed it in us and used it unconsciously to their advantage. I remember the last time we fought, she told me that she knew my weaknesses, and she would use them against me to destroy me. She has already used them for many years now, and she was successful in that.  

You need time to heal and to find yourself again ... it is not going to happen overnight. Please stay strong and try maybe to cut all bonds to her, otherwise this might hinder your progress.

[SinisterComplex]

It is definitely going to take time. There are a lot of hard lessons to learn. You have to be honest with yourself and truly take the time to get to know yourself and develop a relationship with yourself by being single. I am one who does not subscribe to the idea of dating until you are comfortable and confident in who you are. When you know how to make yourself happy and your happiness isn't dependent on someone else then it is time to be open to dating. If you are still relying on or thinking someone else can make you happy you will fall right back into the same patterns and never grow and learn.

Cheers and best wishes!

-SC-

[chinchilla_dad]

I agree with sinister, Do plenty time at looking inward.  Many of us on here is made mistake of Getting fooled by this more than once. 

[NotAHero]

 Thank you all for the replies and insights. Much appreciated.

 We do have a child together so I can’t go no contact but I’m setting new boundaries everyday. Almost out of the push and pull cycle.

  I did fall back in the caretaker attitude slowly during the relationship and that is an indication about a deep seated issue with self esteem. Even when we get out of it a BPD relationship is enough to find those weaknesses and pull us right back in. Didn’t help having a young child making me cling until he can at least talk. He now does. I do have a therapist to help me too. There is no way around the pain and hard work to become yourself again.

[NotAHero]

It is definitely going to take time. There are a lot of hard lessons to learn. You have to be honest with yourself and truly take the time to get to know yourself and develop a relationship with yourself by being single. I am one who does not subscribe to the idea of dating until you are comfortable and confident in who you are. When you know how to make yourself happy and your happiness isn't dependent on someone else then it is time to be open to dating. If you are still relying on or thinking someone else can make you happy you will fall right back into the same patterns and never grow and learn.

Cheers and best wishes!

-SC-

 I agree with that hypothesis and have followed it - stayed single for a while - before I fell for this one. I saw the red flags but somehow let myself be fooled by the promises and what appeared to be genuine willingness to make it work.

[NotAHero]

I am sorry to hear that, and I can totally feel your pain. I, too, was with my ex-gf for about 5 years, and we had a child together. Now, after breaking up with her, I am starting to notice that I became a shell of a person. This relationship has sucked the life out of me and left me dead inside. Everyone around me tells me that I am very different from how I used to be. I was outgoing, full of energy and had passion for things. Not anymore.

As Judee stated above, I do also believe that the bpd partner was just a trigger to an already existing self-esteem issue. The bpd partner did not really create this issue, but he/she sensed it in us and used it unconsciously to their advantage. I remember the last time we fought, she told me that she knew my weaknesses, and she would use them against me to destroy me. She has already used them for many years now, and she was successful in that.  

You need time to heal and to find yourself again ... it is not going to happen overnight. Please stay strong and try maybe to cut all bonds to her, otherwise this might hinder your progress.

 It’s like we are talking about the same person. She said that to me word for word. The disorder is so powerful it hijacks the entire being.

[NotAHero]

hi there,
Sorry to hear you are going through this.
It is true what you say, the longer the contact the more you postpone healing.
On a positive note, the loss of self due to staying too long in an abusive relationship is not something she took away from you... it is a boundary that you couldn't set in the first place. and that is most likely caused by a lack of self-esteem even before you met her.
Knowing this it is more like she was the whistleblower for a problem deep within you and you eventually listened. So that is a good thing!
Now about finding yourself back.. you will. Take small steps, as small as what you would like to eat that day, who you would like to talk to, what you enjoy doing.
Ask yourself all the time how things that are happening make you feel. Also the contact with your ex. Interview yourself.
I believe you writing here is already a sign you are on your way back and I wish for you that when you find yourself again, you will never let go.

 I remember the first devaluation session - started cussing me out. I told her if she starts doing this the relationship will go downhill and there is no way we can continue.  By then we had a child though ….you can tell why I didn’t follow through for another 2 years.