Heading for divorce - telling the kids

[bugwaterguy]

Hey group,
I am looking for support.  My undiagnosed BPD wife is very high functioning.  We met to talk and discuss divorce with the kids with a counselor (kids were not present, just us and the counselor).  She has been not showing BPD signs throughout this process.  The behaviors are usually only in my presence.  Maybe she isn’t BPD?  Although at other times I have seen 8 of 9 criteria.    Maybe I am full of cognitive bias.

Maybe it is all situational competence.

She isn’t showing abandonment issues.  She is actually encouraging me to do things on my own – rather than guilt-tripping me if I even suggest it.
She hasn’t been splitting me or herself like she normally does.  She seems to be holding the dichotomy of good and bad.
She seems to have a clear plan to move forward with the divorce – normally she is all over the place and can’t even make a decision on what she wants for dinner.
Her impulsivity hasn’t been an issue for a while – she stopped binge drinking and I believe she stopped her risky sexual behavior.
Her mood is more stable and not having the up and down like she usually does.
She hasn’t talked about feeling empty.
Her anger and blaming behaviors toward me have been almost non-existent.

Maybe it is better for her if she moves out?  It hurts me to think this might be the case, and reveals my own abandonment and codependence issues.
Maybe things are better because I am changing my codependent and enabling behaviors?

Is it because in her head she has already left?  I am worried that she is holding it together now, and it will all fall apart if she has the kids at her place – and they will be the target instead of me.

She has rented her own place.  She wants to tell the kids this weekend.  I am moving forward with the process.

I still want to save my marriage.  I know I cannot control that.  Any advice on how to move forward would be appreciated.

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PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Cat Familiar]

Keep doing what you’re doing and find some time for activities that you enjoy. I know that your time alone is likely limited, but find some things you can do for self care, going for a walk, watching a movie, doing a hobby.

She’s going to do what she will do, and it doesn’t sound like you have much hope in changing that. You will have many years ahead of coparenting, so just keep being a good role model for your children.