Hello everyone,
Although I'm new to bpdfamily.com as of today, I first began familiarizing myself with BPD about 6 months ago. My relationship with my girlfriend has been defined by chaos & conflict over the last 3 years (first 12 months was the typical bliss of the honeymoon phase), and it was during one of my recurring bouts of confusion & despair that I frantically scoured the internet for some sort of answer/help...my random Google searches of "why does my partner truly believe that I want to fight" or "why does my partner refuse to believe that I love them" finally paid off when I stumbled upon a Reddit forum discussing BPD/NPD in June 2021.
It took me about 3 months to gather my thoughts/work up the courage to try to approach her to discuss this extremely sensitive topic. For about 2 years leading up to that discussion, we frequently discussed something we referred to as her "shadow monster" which would consume her when she experienced feelings of being unloved, unwanted, deprioritized, or really just hurt in any way. So she was fairly open to my presenting her with the possibility that this BPD thing could be the cause of so many unstable relationships in her past & present, and she was able to see how she pretty clearly met all but 1 of the 9 "official" criteria. She also has a history of mental illness on both sides of her family, including both parents & 2 siblings.
But for the first couple months after we had that conversation, almost nothing was done to "own" her BPD. There were a number of reasons for that - life got busy (it was the holiday season), work was busy, it takes time to move from "denial" to "acceptance"...I think I also became a bit resentful (which she could feel) during this time period as I then realized what the issue was, and I saw her BPD in every one of our irrational conversations where she would escalate, provoke, gaslight, criticize, threaten, scream/yell/cuss, hit me, but then never be able to take accountability or see how that behavior might lead to me reacting poorly to her. So naturally, that only made me want to "force educate" her more which just turned her off to the idea because it felt like I was trying to label her/blame her/make her out to be "the problem".
Since then, I've tried to be far less forceful, and she has committed to attending a DBT workshop, staying in therapy, etc.
But last night, she broke up with me. She has threatened to do so dozens of times before. She has physically said the words "we're done" or "I don't love you & I don't want to be with you" so, so many times before. But last night the tone was more one of confidence that she was making the right decision. She said she had to trust her gut. She told me that she didn't want me to feel unloved, that she wanted me to know I'm special & worthy - things that she struggled to say at any point of conflict during 4 years of dating. She was clearly very sad, but I did sense some level of her being at peace with her decision.
Her reasoning was that we're incapable of resolving conflict because of my innate defensiveness. She blames me & my ego for the unproductive conversations we always find ourselves in. She appreciates our relationship/everything I've done for her, she cherishes the memories, but there's something about me that makes conflict resolution impossibly difficult.
My perspective - just like many, many people with BPD, to my partner her feelings are facts, any disagreement = rejection. Me having a different perspective/opinion that I think is worthy of sharing = me "arguing about dumb
PLEASE READ". Anything that isn't exactly in line with what she thinks & feels = invalidation to her. And because I do want to be heard, and I do need to feel like my perspective is valued, I will eventually express my opinion (after first trying to empathize with her feelings) which almost never goes well.
I was completely speechless because going into our scheduled conversation last night, I thought I was going to be the bearer of bad news - that I don't think she truly gets any of this. Does she know why she signed up for DBT? For real change to occur, the primary motivation has to be internal, and in order to have that motivation, I would think that you first have to know what the problem is, who it's hurting, how it typically plays out, etc.
I think she knows she has BPD, and she knows that DBT will help. But does she know WHAT that is aiming to help? Does she want to understand that she filters any stressful or challenging situation through a distorted & reactive emotional lens? Does she understand that her "gut" / the instincts that she thinks she should trust are actually a complex mental disorder? I think she knows that she really struggles with empathy, or saying "I'm sorry" or "I forgive you". And she recognizes that those are skills like anything else that must be practiced in order to develop. But acknowledging how her BPD is creating these terribly toxic patterns in our relationship seems like a step too far for her.
I love this woman so much, but if we're not both seeing her BPD for what it is - a real disability that affects the way she interacts with the world - I don't know how we can move forward together. And now that she has so confidently broken up with me, it doesn't seem like fighting for the relationship is the right thing to do...for one, it could cement the idea in her head that if she resorts to extremes (breaking up), it will get her what she wants (endless love & affection & the comfort of knowing that she can successfully manipulate me into bending over backwards for her). Another reason - I feel extremely helpless and hurt by all of this, and I know that I probably need to prioritize myself in some way that doesn't include her/the thought of our relationship. Like so many people in relationships with pwBPD, I have become even more codependent than I was naturally disposed to being when I entered the relationship (which was already pretty high - I'm definitely a "helper/fixer/rescuer" who unknowingly enabled her controlling ways by rushing to placate her irrational emotions, even at my expense).
I know that I have a ton to work on, and I certainly have been guilty of some emotional volatility/outburts of my own (usually a bit provoked by the FOG from my BPD partner) which are 100% my responsibility and absolutely do contribute to some of our conflict resolution issues.
But I don't think she'll ever want to recognize that her BPD is without a doubt the most serious issue in our relationship. At least not with me...maybe my role in her life was just to be the one to help her bring awareness to its existence but I'm not the one to be in a healthy relationship with her.
I want to end my long first post with 2 quotes:
1) Dr. Tara J. Palmatier, “Sacrificing yourself at the altar of someone else’s pathology is not a measure of your love for them, it’s a measure of your willingness to be abused by them.”
2) From one of the most enlighting articles on BPD I've ever read (link below) - "Borderline Personality Disorder is perhaps the greatest paradox in the Analects of human psychology. It’s a disorder that craves love, but it doesn’t understand the meaning of mature love. It’s a disorder that seeks relationships, but it doesn’t grasp the dynamics and limits of healthy relationships. It’s a disorder that yearns for proximity, but it doesn’t trust the sincerity of anyone who gets too close. It’s a disorder that begs others to experience its suffering, but it cannot see that this is the very reason why it continues to suffer. It’s a disorder that desperately seeks liberation from the outside, but it doesn’t realize that transformation comes from within. It’s an existential insecurity that cannot believe in the power of accepting itself, because it was not accepted when it began. It’s an anachronism searching for an idealized form of attachment. It’s desire without a solution, and loneliness without resolution. It’s pain and terror cloaked in a bouquet of artificial flowers."
https://armchairdeductions.wordpress.com/2019/04/16/the-borderline-mother-matriarchy-and-its-discontents/
