(Late) Christmas gift

[keepitup]

Hi everyone!

This situation will look funny, but I still haven't been able to give my bpd boyfriend his Christmas gift and I wonder how can I proceed about it without creating conflict.

Here's the context:

Long story short, I was sick during Christmas and was thus unable to give my lover his gift. When I got better, we had a disagreement which resulted in him giving me the silent treatment for 3-4 days. So no gift during this period. After we talked about it and it was okay, (so around New Year's day), I asked him if I could give him his Christmas gift. He answered me no, that he would like that I wait until he gave me mine... and I am still waiting to this day.

I have to add to the context that during this period my boyfriend had suicidal thoughts and was really not feeling well. He also lost his job. So, I get that he had other things in mind that to give me a gift. He also pretty much hates Christmas, though he has always been very happy when I gave him presents in the last years.

Things have been going well between the two of us for the last month and I don't want to dysregulate him by bringing the subject up again and not respecting his request of waiting until he gave me his present. For my experience, it acted as a trigger when he felt pressured about giving presents (and I then become in his eyes a very selfish person and I never listen to his needs which is, in all honesty, very far from reality).

At the same time, I don't know if he will ever give me the gift that  he told me about (and probably never bought). It's too bad because I know that he would be very happy when he will receive his gift since it is something he has been wanting for a while.

He also knows that giving presents is important for me since I do it with all my love and take a lot of time to choose a gift that will make the other person happy. Though he doesn't like holidays and I very much like them, we agreed at the beginning of our relationship that we would not celebrate all holidays (ex: no valentine's day), but that we would give each other a gift on Christmas.

What do you think? Thanks in advance for all replies!

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[thankful person]

Hi keep it up,
I can relate to this situation. My wife is funny about anything that’s new and doesn’t like to be surprised, although she claims she does want surprise gifts, surprise outings and even a surprise party, but in reality she likes to be prepared for things.
In your situation, I know you said your boyfriend would like the gift, but the old me would frustratingly say nothing more about it and let it gather dust on a shelf for many years. But there is a new me that likes to challenge myself. And I think now I would be more inclined to just say, “hey I’ve got something for you! Here it is!” I am facing my fears about how my wife will react to any given situation. She usually hates gifts anyway. But at Christmas it seems I somehow made peace within myself with the fact that she would probably hate the gifts. And I was ok with that. And bizarrely, this seemed to take away her power. If she didn’t like the gifts, she didn’t say anything about it. Which is a pleasant change from her sulking and shrieking about it all day. Good luck, whatever you decide to do!

[keepitup]

Thank you for your feedback Broken person!

I think you put the finger exactly on the problem at hand: I'm afraid of how he will react. I, too, have to face my fears about my lover's possible reactions and it's very inspiring to hear from your own experience.

I realize that the gift will probably gather dust until I bring it up and give it to him. The solution won't come from him. I'm not entirely sure yet how I will manage to give it to him but I think that stopping being afraid of the possible outcome will definitely help me find a way.

I'll give an update about how it went when I'll manage to do it!

[thankful person]

Good luck! One of the first things I learnt on here was just to behave more as a “normal” person might in a relationship. I think this is what “stop walking on eggshells” means. It’s almost like with children if they don’t have boundaries for their behaviour they just become more out of control (this was what my childhood was like). With bpd they seem to also respond well to the security of being with an emotionally stable person. I don’t really see myself as an emotionally stable person but I’m trying to play the part as best I can and it seems to be helping.