Is there a question you are hesitant to ask of your BPD partner?

[Cat Familiar]

My husband has had a habit of drinking to excess, in my opinion. However, I understand that is subjective, and I grew up with parents who didn’t drink, except for an occasional glass of wine or a beer with relatives on holidays. Whereas his family always had a cocktail hour, wine with dinner, and then a nightcap.

Seeing him consume a bottle of wine an evening, often in addition to a cocktail or three, or even more, to me seems like alcohol abuse. I’ve confronted him in the past and it’s never been productive. All it’s done is to drive a wedge between us and to hear that he thinks I’m *shaming him*.

So I’ve ignored it, thinking it’s not my responsibility and if he wants to damage his health, which is what I think that kind of alcohol use ultimately does, then it’s his choice.

That said, a few weeks ago he QUIT DRINKING ENTIRELY. WTF? I’m wondering if it’s a *Dry January* or if this is health related, as he’s had some stomach issues recently, or if this is temporary or a permanent choice.

I’m hesitant to jinx it by mentioning his abstaining, but at the same time, I’m wondering if he expects me to say something complementary. If I do say something, then he might turn that into *shaming* him for the past, and if I don’t say anything, he might think I don’t care enough to mention it. Either way I’m screwed.    For now, I’m keeping my mouth shut, which is quite an accomplishment for me.  

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[hands down]

Pavlov's dog comes to mind... 

feedback loops are important to how we process and connect, I used to tell my ex wife that the reason we can kill ants easier than dogs, is they don't bark or bite when we squash them. 

I'm a huge fan of investing in those around me in proportion to 1: their investment and 2: their growth/fruit.  During this time he is "doing the work" and "gaining fruit" may be a decent time to proportionally  "bless" him back...  FINE LINE here to "playing games" - but i believe, with an honest heart and good motives, you have some very hopeful scenarios ahead of you.. 

Love hearing positivity like this - thank you for sharing

[keepitup]

Hey Cat!

I think the best approach depends on who you are dealing with. If caring and giving attention is important to them, then positive reinforcement may be a good idea. My boyfriend does not like to receive congratulations and attention, so in my case, it did not worked well!

Here's my experience:

My boyfriend smoke  weed everyday (legal where we live) and decided one day to take a break. When he told me he quit smoking, I smiled and I told him something along the lines that I thought it was a good idea and I was happy about it. He did not took it very well. He interpreted it in the way that I did not love him when he smoked, therefore, I could not love him for who he was since he did not want to quit permanently. I managed to fix things, but I think I could have avoided the drama if I showed less enthusiasm. At least I learned that weed was a sensitive subject 

As I said, depends who you are dealing with. In general, I get better results with my man by being more neutral about the substance abuse.

With alcohol, I had more success by trying to understand why was he drinking too much and trying to help about the cause. For instance, for a while, my boyfriend got drunk because he was very unhappy at his job. So without talking about alcohol, I talked to him about how he could stop overworking at his job... and he stopped drinking by himself. He already knew he was drinking too much. He just did not know what else to do to ease his pain.

[Cat Familiar]

I think positive reinforcement without mentioning *why* is probably the best approach. He’s really peculiar about not disclosing much, as if sharing too much about himself is threatening. However it’s understandable, having the malignant narcissist dad that he did. Add to that, being a lawyer—that certainly trains you to keep things to yourself.

[NonnyMouse]

I'd try to keep quiet about it. A pwBPD might spot positive reinforcement a mile away if it's not subtle enough and then you are back to square one. (Positive reinforcement is generally great but I see too much downside in this case.) Plus you don't want to invest too much of your own emotional energy and then get disappointed.

[Chosen]

I'd keep quiet about it unless you feel that he's specifically asking for your praise, cos you know how sensitive pwBPDs are, and while offering praise is good, they could easily just twist it around and say that you feel they were inadequate before.

[Cat Familiar]

Well I think it was a “dry January” since he started making tequila and orange drinks recently. However, he hasn’t been drinking as much as previously. I never said a word about it.

How about everyone else, is there something you don’t want to ask your significant other?

[guitarguy09]

Alcohol abuse seems to be a common thread among BPDs. My BPD w does this. It's a very regular evening when she consumes at least a large bottle of 9% wine. Some days she has less wine and supplements with O'Doul's to try and be more clear but I've lost hope she will ever stop completely.

Sorry to hear your partner started up again but it does sound like the underlying issues haven't been addressed so it was likely a matter of time in my opinion. Not judging of course! How are you holding up?

[Cat Familiar]

Thanks for asking, guitarguy09, it’s business as usual. Some years ago he really drank to excess, and there were a couple of moments I had to dust off my ancient EMT skills, to ascertain whether I should call 911. In retrospect, I’m sorry I didn’t.

Nowadays he doesn’t drink that much, but still, it seems far more than is healthy. But that’s my opinion. My grandfather on my mother’s side was an extreme alcoholic, but he somehow outlived his wife and most of his peers.