I can't stop crying

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

I've never cried like this before. The emotions inside me were very overwhelming, I could not help but to let it all out. I thought before that I was a tough person who can take care of himself emotionally. But now I realize how fragile, dependent and weak I am. Although I was the one who left the relationship, I feel like I miss her so much. I miss my child as well. When I think of both of them, I feel deep emotional pain. The problem, she left me no other choice other than to leave. I couldn't take the blame, the manipulation and the abuse anymore. I ask myself is that love I feel for her or is it just dependency. I just don't know anymore. I have not slept for more than 48 hours now, and I feel totally broken.

I am so sorry for the chaos

[finallyout]

I've never cried like this before. The emotions inside me were very overwhelming, I could not help but to let it all out. I thought before that I was a tough person who can take care of himself emotionally. But now I realize how fragile, dependent and weak I am. Although I was the one who left the relationship, I feel like I miss her so much. I miss my child as well. When I think of both of them, I feel deep emotional pain. The problem, she left me no other choice other than to leave. I couldn't take the blame, the manipulation and the abuse anymore. I ask myself is that love I feel for her or is it just dependency. I just don't know anymore. I have not slept for more than 48 hours now, and I feel totally broken.

I am so sorry for the chaos

[T0M]

Hey man,

It is not a bad thing feeling the way you do, not perfect, but perfectly normal. It would be abnormal if you would feel good.
And if you were able of taking care of yourself emotionally in the past, than I believe that feeling will come back. It is not something you loose, it is something that is in the background at the moment.

A tip might be to wright down all the reasons why you decided to leave. Sometimes it helps to think about it rationally.

Good luck man!

[nerves]

I understand, I was in that place last week and may well be in it again.

The chain of events and decisions that led to this are the past and cannot be changed. You talk of abuse and manipulation so it sounds like a longer-term healthy pain.

We're here to listen.

[Woolspinner2000]

Hi finallyout,

I'm so sorry that you're in so much pain. Leaving is so very hard. When I left it was one of the hardest things I had ever done. Blame, abuse, manipulation takes such a deep toll upon our souls.

Are you staying by yourself or with someone who is there with you? I was thankful to stay with a good friend who helped me through those first hours and days. It's not a sign of weakness that you're crying and experiencing these emotions. Tears help to wash the soul.

 
Wools

[ACycleWiser]

I've never cried like this before. The emotions inside me were very overwhelming, I could not help but to let it all out. I thought before that I was a tough person who can take care of himself emotionally. But now I realize how fragile, dependent and weak I am.

I am at the same time very sorry for the way you feel and the situation you are, but also glad you can let go of these emotions.

Often people end up emotionally blocked, get consumed in anger or leave a relationship in a sedative shock, so that the emotional release can only follow weeks or months later. Ironically, to deal with your own weakness and fragility this way takes a lot of strength. During my first discard i just couldn't do it properly, the second time around i just surrendered to it all and the whole reality around it, and i felt a sense of healing remarkably fast.

The thing that also helps is that you just know there is no other way left, you tried it all to no avail. That helps with avoiding the pitfall of an internal civil war breaking out over moving on or wanting your bpd person back. In any case you will always miss them, on the other hand there is a very good reason why you had to let them go too, and often that reason weighs bigger in the end.

[finallyout]

Thank you all for your kind words. You can't imagine how helpful it is to read what you all have written.

I left my home at the end of December last year. Till last week, I thought I was doing ok. Now I feel like I am descending in the darkest pit on earth. I wept for hours today. I don't even know how the human body can produce so much tears. Yes, I always try to remind myself of the reasons why I left her. But at the same time, we had some nice moments together. I am mourning the loss of the old her, of the beautiful and sensitive person I fell in love with. Where did this person disappear?
 

[finallyout]

Hi finallyout,

I'm so sorry that you're in so much pain. Leaving is so very hard. When I left it was one of the hardest things I had ever done. Blame, abuse, manipulation takes such a deep toll upon our souls.

Are you staying by yourself or with someone who is there with you? I was thankful to stay with a good friend who helped me through those first hours and days. It's not a sign of weakness that you're crying and experiencing these emotions. Tears help to wash the soul.

 
Wools

I am living currently at my brother's place. I am very lucky to have my family and friends in my life. At the same time, I sometimes feel that they don't really understand what is happening inside me.

[Woolspinner2000]

finallyout,

I'm so glad to hear that you're not alone.  Just to be surrounded by the love and care of those around you is good. Don't be surprised if you struggle to receive their kindness. When we live with a disordered person, it's easy to build walls that protect our hearts from the pain which at the same time can also numb us from receiving the good stuff. I still struggle when someone is kind to me, because I have seldom experienced it (both in my childhood with having an uBPDm and in my marriage to my now ex).

Coming here and sharing can help you with finding kindred spirits who understand. As you feel comfortable, if your family wants to understand more, we can share some good book titles with you that they can read to begin to wrap their heads around what you went through and need to heal from. It's hard and wearying to try and put into words the story of what we have gone through. You will be loved by your family for who you are, no matter what.

Keep hanging in there.

 
Wools

[SinisterComplex]

I am living currently at my brother's place. I am very lucky to have my family and friends in my life. At the same time, I sometimes feel that they don't really understand what is happening inside me.

FO, this is common. However, you are not alone. How you feel can be isolating. Don't let it become isolating though. You do have the control in that scenario. Your friends and family are important, but they may not understand or get what you are going through and that is ok. You also have this family here who does get it and does understand. So definitely let it all out here if you feel the need to.

Keep your head up and keep pushing forward.

Cheers and best wishes!

-SC-