I need help believing my own rationale

[NotAHero]

 I hope this day  find you well.

 I broke up with my uBPD and we have a child together. For a long time before and after the breakup she was trying to convince me that her greatest problem now is that she is “asexual” and she can’t be with me because “she loves me and can’t give me intimacy”.

 5 days after she spends the night with a guy and try to lie about it but it’s confirmed.

 Now I have always known it was a lie and understood how the disorder works, but I can’t help to not be upset that she lies to me this way. Like I am that stupid. I was still helping her with multiple things but after that incident I decided to pull the plug.

 Of course she did it in such a reckless way and because she tried to hide it she endangered herself. We have a child together and I have mixed feelings of being worried and upset at the same time. How do I process this emotionally going forward ?

[ILMBPDC]

There is a scene in the film Liar, Liar that I think about sometimes - where the main character and his ex wife are talking about how the main character didn't show up at his son Max's birthday party the night before and the ex-wife at one point says [last night] " was none of my business. Two years ago it was my business but, see, I don't have to care about that anymore. I don't care, that's the magic of divorce. But it matters to Max."

Granted the scene was about the dad standing up the son but the part that sticks in my head is the "I don't care, that's the magic of divorce". Granted, I wasn't married to my ex but its the same thing - you are now apart. You no longer have to care (unless it affects your child of course). 

I get it, you have history, you have emotions, you hate that the person you once loved lied to you for no real reason. But its now time to tell yourself that you are no longer together and you no longer have to deal with that. Tell your brain she no longer deserves the real estate she occupies in your head - this is what I have been doing. Any time he pops up, I "evict" him. He doesn't deserve to be there. He is no longer my concern. Its getting easier with time.

[NotAHero]

There is a scene in the film Liar, Liar that I think about sometimes - where the main character and his ex wife are talking about how the main character didn't show up at his son Max's birthday party the night before and the ex-wife at one point says [last night] " was none of my business. Two years ago it was my business but, see, I don't have to care about that anymore. I don't care, that's the magic of divorce. But it matters to Max."

Granted the scene was about the dad standing up the son but the part that sticks in my head is the "I don't care, that's the magic of divorce". Granted, I wasn't married to my ex but its the same thing - you are now apart. You no longer have to care (unless it affects your child of course). 

I get it, you have history, you have emotions, you hate that the person you once loved lied to you for no real reason. But its now time to tell yourself that you are no longer together and you no longer have to deal with that. Tell your brain she no longer deserves the real estate she occupies in your head - this is what I have been doing. Any time he pops up, I "evict" him. He doesn't deserve to be there. He is no longer my concern. Its getting easier with time.

 Thank you for this. I think my main mistake is that I kept getting intimate with her. Even when I quit it still messed with me. Now she wants to be “friends” and tells me about new guys. We have a child together so I don’t want to cut her off. I know we are done and I never ever want to be her man again. I just don’t want to be stuck in any kind of cycle time is precious.

[ILMBPDC]

Thank you for this. I think my main mistake is that I kept getting intimate with her. Even when I quit it still messed with me. Now she wants to be “friends” and tells me about new guys. We have a child together so I don’t want to cut her off. I know we are done and I never ever want to be her man again. I just don’t want to be stuck in any kind of cycle time is precious.

If I were in your shoes I think I would go as low-contact as possible. Draw a boundary - you have to co-parent but you don't have to be friends.

[NotAHero]

If I were in your shoes I think I would go as low-contact as possible. Draw a boundary - you have to co-parent but you don't have to be friends.

 You are right. I have been walking away for a while now just maybe not fast enough.

[Rev]

You are right. I have been walking away for a while now just maybe not fast enough.

Good morning Hero...

That is an interesting way to put it - what is FAST enough.  I like it because it's a statement that puts the most amount of agency in your own hands.

So, here's a question to help support you in your own thoughts -

If things were moving at the pace that was fast enough, how would you recognize that? What would be the emotional signs in you? What would be the net result in terms of your behaviors?

Thoughts?

Rev

[NotAHero]

Good morning Hero...

That is an interesting way to put it - what is FAST enough.  I like it because it's a statement that puts the most amount of agency in your own hands.

So, here's a question to help support you in your own thoughts -

If things were moving at the pace that was fast enough, how would you recognize that? What would be the emotional signs in you? What would be the net result in terms of your behaviors?

Thoughts?

Rev

 Thank you for pointing that out. I suppose I’m taking much longer to move from this relationship than I ever did in the past.

 There is a great guy who went through what I am going through 10 years ago. His posts on different forms under the name  Secondchance67 ( don’t know who really is but if anyone knows I would love to hear from him). His posts helped me a lot understand how it was never about me or had anything to do with me. Yet with all the help , self help books, and the jewels that you posted I still couldn’t stop feeling the pain of the breakup that I had to finalize.

[Rev]

Thank you for pointing that out. I suppose I’m taking much longer to move from this relationship than I ever did in the past.

 There is a great guy who went through what I am going through 10 years ago. His posts on different forms under the name  Secondchance67 ( don’t know who really is but if anyone knows I would love to hear from him). His posts helped me a lot understand how it was never about me or had anything to do with me. Yet with all the help , self help books, and the jewels that you posted I still couldn’t stop feeling the pain of the breakup that I had to finalize.

You can find him in the list of members and private message him to see if he's still around.