“A feeling like something bad is going to happen,” and odd crown question

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Hi,

Just 2 random questions that maybe someone here can help with.

1.) A few days before my wife split me black and abandoned me, she told me that she has a “terrible feeling that something awful is about to happen.” I thought it was in relation to her job, or her anxiety (I didn’t know about BPD at the time) but I suspect it was about us.

2.) Also a few days before, around the same time, she bought a bizarre, super high quality black crown tiara online. When it arrived, I asked her why. She said she just wanted it. I never saw her use or wear it, and when she took her things and left (I wasn’t there at that time), she left it prominently displayed on the counter for me to see. It was just bizarre how she did this and very out of character.

Anyone have similar experiences or insight?

[WhatToDo47]

Hi,

Just 2 random questions that maybe someone here can help with.

1.) A few days before my wife split me black and abandoned me, she told me that she has a “terrible feeling that something awful is about to happen.” I thought it was in relation to her job, or her anxiety (I didn’t know about BPD at the time) but I suspect it was about us.

2.) Also a few days before, around the same time, she bought a bizarre, super high quality black crown tiara online. When it arrived, I asked her why. She said she just wanted it. I never saw her use or wear it, and when she took her things and left (I wasn’t there at that time), she left it prominently displayed on the counter for me to see. It was just bizarre how she did this and very out of character.

Anyone have similar experiences or insight?

[ThanksForPlaying]

1) I think pwBPD often know from experience that their relationships tend to end suddenly and "mysteriously". It's not a clairvoyant "vision" into the future. That's just their way of blaming their feelings on uncontrollable external forces. She knew she was feeling like she wanted to end the relationship, and dropped that hint so she could feel better about it herself - it wasn't her choice - it was caused by this "feeling" or "dream" she had. I've had similar things happen. I wouldn't read too much into it.

2) I also saw odd "possession" issues when BPDxw left. She was super concerned about taking expensive cookware - like pots and pans. And she left some of her own baby pictures sitting on the counter. Here's a weird one for psychoanalysis - she had a sex toy - like a vibrator - that she kept locked in a huge floor safe with valuables (what would Freud say?). And the day she left, she called me for the combination so she could get a copy of our home warranty out of the safe because the "dishwasher wasn't working". She didn't need the warranty or any valuables - the only thing she took was the sex toy. Something with shame I'm guessing - it was nothing freaky or unusual. So again - we often want these "symbolic" things to MEAN SOMETHING but it's usually just random - whatever was going through her mind 30 seconds before she made the decision to leave the tiara sitting there. I agree, it's odd, but you may not ever get a good answer.

ETA: excessive spending on weird stuff is one of the DSM criteria. It's possible she bought it during a disregulation and felt a twinge of guilt, or at least didn't want to be reminded of her "spontaneous purchase" - so she left it behind.

[Cat Familiar]

Wow, that is fraught with Freudian symbology. No idea what she intended, but let’s delve into it.

She has a foreboding that she is going to paint you black, and then does so.

Black expensive tiara…who would wear such a thing? The queen of darkness…?

Leaving it prominently displayed…reminding you of the power she has over you?

I’d be interested to hear what others think of this. What are your thoughts?

[ThanksForPlaying]

Yes Cat! Look at my comment above... Freud would be intrigued by a lot of this stuff.

[WhatToDo47]

1) I think pwBPD often know from experience that their relationships tend to end suddenly and "mysteriously". It's not a clairvoyant "vision" into the future. That's just their way of blaming their feelings on uncontrollable external forces. She knew she was feeling like she wanted to end the relationship, and dropped that hint so she could feel better about it herself - it wasn't her choice - it was caused by this "feeling" or "dream" she had. I've had similar things happen. I wouldn't read too much into it.

2) I also saw odd "possession" issues when BPDxw left. She was super concerned about taking expensive cookware - like pots and pans. And she left some of her own baby pictures sitting on the counter. Here's a weird one for psychoanalysis - she had a sex toy - like a vibrator - that she kept locked in a huge floor safe with valuables (what would Freud say?). And the day she left, she called me for the combination so she could get a copy of our home warranty out of the safe because the "dishwasher wasn't working". She didn't need the warranty or any valuables - the only thing she took was the sex toy. Something with shame I'm guessing - it was nothing freaky or unusual. So again - we often want these "symbolic" things to MEAN SOMETHING but it's usually just random - whatever was going through her mind 30 seconds before she made the decision to leave the tiara sitting there. I agree, it's odd, but you may not ever get a good answer.

ETA: excessive spending on weird stuff is one of the DSM criteria. It's possible she bought it during a disregulation and felt a twinge of guilt, or at least didn't want to be reminded of her "spontaneous purchase" - so she left it behind.

I agree on #1, it’s interesting how it makes her the victim, yet again. I dated one other pwBPD in my life, and she did the same thing before splitting me black (“a feeling something terrible is going to happen,” “things have been going good for too long, something bad is going to happen soon”). Of course, I only realized all this after my wife left a few months ago. I didn’t realize that either one has BPD before, because I didn’t know BPD existed, but it’s very obvious in hindsight.

On #2, that is very odd what happened to you, too. So clearly illogical. The crown isn’t the only thing this happened with. She took most of her dishes, clothes, etc, but left all her books (which she treasured), her crown, Alexa, her school ID, some pictures and items of sentimental value. Like she didn’t want me to forget her and for me to keep them safe in case she decided to return one day.

It’s reminding me of a very strange incident that occurred when we were newly married. She called me at work one day and said our apartment was robbed, that clothes were thrown everywhere, but the only thing stolen was a signed book of sentimental value to her. At the time, she said it was probably her “stalker ex,” who I now think was just the poor sucker before me. We opened a police report, got a camera, everything, but there were no signs of forced entry and she never wanted to talk about it again. It was very, very weird, but I didn’t think too much of it at the time.

She is the poster child for excessive and impulsive spending. It caused a lot of conflicts over the years. She would spend to feel better about herself, then feel shame and say she’s such a burden she might as well kill herself, I’d talk her down, then she’d ask me to return the items. And the cycle would repeat in a week or two. We actually made a deal early on in the marriage to at least spend on things that were returnable.

Some spending sprees included hundreds of dollars of: Knock off designer hair clips, temporary tattoos, teenage vampire/fantasy romance novels, dish-ware, airline tickets, and my all time favorite a guinea pig who is now mine and she wants nothing to do with because he’s “smelly.”

[WhatToDo47]

Wow, that is fraught with Freudian symbology. No idea what she intended, but let’s delve into it.

She has a foreboding that she is going to paint you black, and then does so.

Black expensive tiara…who would wear such a thing? The queen of darkness…?

Leaving it prominently displayed…reminding you of the power she has over you?

I’d be interested to hear what others think of this. What are your thoughts?

I think there’s something to this for sure. She was definitely aware something is wrong with her. Dreams were big for her, and if she had a bad dream about someone, or a bad feeling, she would act accordingly. She used to tell me not to trust certain people just because she “knew” they were “bad.” And the first time they would do anything wrong, she would see it as confirmation of such.

She would literally be bedridden for a few days if a dream or “bad feeling” hit her wrong.

I do think she maybe left the crown to show she has power over me. Even now, she expects me to answer all her calls, tell her my whereabouts, etc. I’m 99.9% sure her mom is comorbid BPD/NPD, and her mom behaves as if she’s a literal queen.

I think my wife may have left the crown to show that she’s queen of me/her life here. She always acted like she wanted to set up her own little kingdom like her mom did, and would get really frustrated when the attention wasn’t on her/people didn’t do exactly as she said.

Normally, when she impulse bought she could explain it after the fact. For example, “I bought books because I felt stupid and wanted to feel smart,” “I bought hair clips because I want to look cool.” When I asked her about the crown, she had no explanation. And usually she would be okay with me returning the impulse buys, with the crown she was adamant that I didn’t, which is partially why I was so surprised she left it here.

What do you think? The Freudian psychology is definitely worth delving into.