Hello, New here

[TexasLass44]

Hello, I'm new here. 27y/o dd has BPD and Bipolar. DD lives w her (wonderful) boyfriend whom dh and I absolutely love.

After a phone call last week wherein she got really angry with me over a single mistake and I apologized, she has cut me off completely.

I couldn't understand how she could be so unkind, especially given how much/often I've helped her out lately. Then I remembered her telling me she'd been dx'd with BPD a couple years ago.  That brought to mind her getting super angry last year when a 3rd Psychiatrist told her she has Bipolar Disorder.
When I started reading up on both conditions, I started seeing a lot of her behavior in a different light.


She and her bf are moving out of town this week (bf got a new job) and we'd all planned on a last visit before they left. It may be quite a while before I see her again. As of today it looks like she has already gone. No visit, not even a call or text.



I've learned a *world* of information this week from reading and researching everything I can find on BPD/BD. For the first time in MANY years, I am beginning to realize it ISN'T me. I wasn't a crappy, awful Mom. I'm just now shrugging out of this coat of guilt I've been wearing for YEARS.

Naturally, I'm hurt that she simply moved away without even coming for a last visit with her family. The BPD/BD paradigm is all new to me. She's always been over-the-top "dramatic", but she's never, EVER treated me (and the step-dad she loves) with such deliberate, spiteful disregard.

Thanks for letting me get this out in a safe space where others understand what I'm going through.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[beatricex]

Hi TexasLass44,
Welcome.  I rarely post over here on the Parents with thread, because I don't feel I have a lot to offer.  I have both a mom and step daugher I suspect are BPD.  Your post resonated with me because 1) you "forgot" your daughter mentioned she had a diagnosis of BPD? and 2) you love her boyfriend.

My husband and I are in a similar situation, in that his daughter is pretty high functioning, but yet something is off.  She also has cut us off over a pretty benign infraction on my part.  Has also cut her bio mom off before us.  She has 2 toddlers and is married to a great guy.  I guess we have that in common too.

I am just waiting for the day her in-laws realize we are not the "bad guys" but really do love her too and that she one day paints us white and the next day black is really heart wrenching.

Personally, my husband and I are going through Family Connections and already feel a lot better.  I wish you strength, to find your journey, to connect with yourself and that you find the peace in knowing this is not about you.  Please come back and report back, I noticed not too many parents do that, but I do want to know how it's going for you.
 
b

[TexasLass44]

Hello BeatriceX, thanks soo much for your supportive response. It's so helpful to my battered heart and spirit to know I'm not alone!

 To clarify about me forgetting she had a BPD diagnosis  -- she was over 18 when she was diagnosed and so I wasn't privy to the session she had or the information/treatment suggested; she mentioned some time later was that the professional she saw dx'd her with Borderline Personality Disorder. She mentioned it, then never really spoke about it again. I didn't know anything about BPD at the time, and because she's higher-functioning, it seemed to me like she was using what this guy said to not be accountable for some bad behaviors. 
There are many things I know NOW that I wish I'd known then, and I'm learning more every day as I read and try to understand.
And yes, we do absolutely love her boyfriend. They've been together 4+ years and he's absolutely wonderful to her and for her. 

I can genuinely relate to what you say about hoping the in-laws/relatives will someday see for themselves that the awful things they're hearing simply are not true. We have a similar situation going on here.

I know I said this before, but I'll say it again. It is such a huge relief to speak with someone who GETS IT.  Your reply has been a bright point in my day. Thanks for taking the time to reach out!