outsiders telling me to contact adult sibs

[Choice2LiveWith]

What do you tell outsiders who insist on you going back to siblings at middle age when they know nothing about BPD & NPD?

I was raised in a home with a NPD-father, BPD-mother, BPD-sister. Mother was also alcoholic. Both parents are deceased. Adult sibs are still living. I was disinherited. I was the scapegoat and thru much therapy have remained NC for over 15 years.

I am still NC. I never married nor had children because I was raised in an abusive home. I dated men who had similar traits like my NPD-father and some with alcoholism like my BPD-mother. I attracted what was familiar. I'm ok being single, I just can't support myself.

I completed formal education up thru and a little bit beyond my Masters. I worked in various areas in business. I became a WB- whistleblower and lost my livelihood.

My health is declining, I need major surgery. I have no insurance or income. I'm not eligible for Medicaid in my State (no expansion), Medicare, nor SSDI. There is no specialty medical care or treatment without medical insurance. ACA is unaffordable. Having major surgery requires a support system. I have none. I was abandoned by my FOO even when I lived with them.

My BPD-mother singled me out as the scapegoat when I was very young. She turned my bedroom into an office when I was a teenager, sold my furniture and removed all photos of me in the home. I was erased from her mind and went away to school, and then college and never returned.

I'm not asking for advice on insurance. I know about that.

I've lost everything materially and no church (I'm atheist),  govt agency or nonprofit will help me. Help = handouts. Handouts don't solve long term problems. A gas card, a box of food doesn't solve long term financial needs. That is the extent of what nonprofits do. They're in business to make money & keep "repeat customers."

This leaves me to end of life planning because we all have to face it at some point. None of the nonprofits I reached out to would offer me anything. I need work and medical insurance and can't get it. I'm blacklisted.

I need major surgery and can't get it. The State I'm in, which I was not born or raised in, doesn't have Medicaid expansion.

All outsiders, nonprofits, Govt workers, and pastors say, "You have to call your brothers & sister and ask them to help you. Help = take you into their home, and support you, get you medical insurance, feed you, let you live there with them since you can't get work to support yourself as a middle aged adult." 

That isn't an option. They aren't responsible for me and that is what they were raised to believe and to tell me. "We are not responsible for you."

What is normal? What do adult siblings do for each other if 2 of the 3 siblings have families of their own & the 3rd one has a significant other in her life. What literally do higher functioning families do for a sibling when there is an income and medical crisis due to job loss at middle age?

I don't know what normal is. Others tell me normal is when family is there for you, into adulthood, up thru death. But not everyone gets married and has children. Adult siblings aren't responsible for me.

Mine were abusive. My NC was set firmly in place after I went thru therapy years ago. I never had a relationship with my siblings in childhood up to now. We were kept separate from each other, different schools and colleges. They don't even know me personally. If you ask, they will revert back to when I was young.

I've had well-meaning outsiders say, "give me their phone numbers, I'll call them for you and tell them you're unhoused, need medical care and have been kept from working because I'm turned away from work that pays a living wage."

The job thing is another discussion. I can work & want to work. I can't force anyone to hire me. I'm not lacking knowledge or skills to get work. I mistakenly moved to a State that is ultra religious and family-centric and I am sick and unemployed and stuck and can't move.

Nonprofits can't and won't "help." They don't provide the basic needs that only an income can (if its a living wage).

I guess if I had said, "I have no siblings," then, the advice from others would be different? I would be in the same position I am in now, shunned, treated like I'm invisible, no supports.

I've lost everything and not one human being or agency will help. I can't get hired without the basic needs met at middle age and my debt burden has increased my income needs in a time when housing (rents have increased) and health insurance.

[Turkish]

Choice2LiveWith,

I received a lot of mixed advice upon my breakup with the mother of our children. I also received a lot of unhelpful (negative) advice how to interact with my BPD elderly mother who accused me of criminal elder abuse. I was cussed at by her former neighbor over the phone.

People who don't have experience with BPD or disordered relatives or loved ones don't know what you are dealing with or have dealt with. To many of us here, water is thicker than blood of we've been betrayed or abused by blood. Do you feel similarly?

It's bad that you are in crisis and alone, and being invalidated and turned away by both faith based and secular government services would make me angry, too. Even more so that you need care and are alone.

What we can do as a group is support you the best that we can of you want to talk so you aren't alone emotionally, as best that we can support you. This place is a voice for you and all of us here, abandoned, alienated, alone, and often abused adult children.

Turkish

[Choice2LiveWith]

People who don't have experience with BPD or disordered relatives or loved ones don't know what you are dealing with or have dealt with. To many of us here, water is thicker than blood if we've been betrayed or abused by blood. Do you feel similarly?

Yes, I feel the same. It is good to know that others here understand how lethal and toxic personality disordered people can be towards our emotional health. Once the last parent passed, continuing the disengagement with my adult siblings has remained. I'm 900 miles away. We do not communicate. I'm dead to them. There's been too much generational trauma that was passed down the family tree, I had to leave for my safety, sanity and health.

The sibs were so enmeshed with our parents, "trauma bonded." Now they have each other.

I don't know how I made it thru Covid, alone. My health issues have surfaced, and I am unable to address them due to exhausting my savings, loss of employment and lack of insurance. Normally, people have "family, spouse, grown children, or a friend" to be there.

This very religious Conservative State I relocated to is not the right place, but I'm unable to move out due to my circumstances.

Moving requires an income and planning. I've learned from my research, that no matter where we live or move to, all nonprofits and secular Govt services do not offer what a person needs; housing, car, car insurance, gas, utilities, medical care, cash. Their services are limited to specific funding buckets supported by donations and Govt budgets. I don't fit their funding bucket criteria. The Govt and nonprofits have very limited and temporary, jammed packed services that don't solve permanent problems. They're not designed to. Places like that thrive on "repeat customers" to justify their Govt funding. Each person is just a head count. Some people are okay with that, floating in and out of flop-houses, collecting handouts and  lacking stability. It's nomadic and unstable and sometimes dangerous.

Anyone can get food. I need a full income and medical care. My basic needs are unmet and that is all I can think of right now. I've been reduced to no phone (ability to make calls) & using internet WiFi outside of stores on my phone.

If I wasn't in this situation, I'd just post a simple introduction and jump in and read and respond to many of the excellent posts written here.

It appears that I will end up at one of the scary encampments. That's where people live in tents. The news had a story showing a truck of volunteers handing out needles for the drug users, to minimize needle contamination.

There is no other place for me to go. I've been reduced to being invisible. I don't do drugs, have no criminal, or any mental health impairments. I've learned that being a targeted individual results in being cancelled from society, to silence me. It's how whistleblowers are attacked. The goal is to isolate the target, make them destitute, homeless, jobless, and drive the target to suicide.

[Turkish]

We do have a few members that have had to cut off all contact with family members due to issues you stated. It's self-preservation and survival, yes?

Your experiences trying to get services seem maddening. I live in Cali and I wonder if the $$ spent would be better just given to people, cut out the middle people...