Hello/Looking for Support

[Depression = 72% of members]

Hello, all,

My self-search for a support group for partners/spouses of people with BPD brought me to your forums.  I notice I need support in handling an intimate/home life full of inconsistency and chaos.  I'm struggling to the point of being burnt out that I'm confused about how to ask for help/identify what I need right now.  We have a 2-year-old son who I'm desperate to protect and myself to care for.  I'm in my own personal counseling, and we're taking couples counseling, but consistent support is something I'm missing. I hope to participate in this group and am taking the first chance here--no matter how imperfect or unclear my path may be right now.

Thanks.

[CreedsaMaybe]

Hello, all,

My self-search for a support group for partners/spouses of people with BPD brought me to your forums.  I notice I need support in handling an intimate/home life full of inconsistency and chaos.  I'm struggling to the point of being burnt out that I'm confused about how to ask for help/identify what I need right now.  We have a 2-year-old son who I'm desperate to protect and myself to care for.  I'm in my own personal counseling, and we're taking couples counseling, but consistent support is something I'm missing. I hope to participate in this group and am taking the first chance here--no matter how imperfect or unclear my path may be right now.

Thanks.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Good Intentions]

welcome & you've come to the right place! There's not only a wealth of knowledge, experience, and personal anecdotes that you'll undoubtedly find relatable in some way, but there's also a community of people that want to support you...I'm here for support too!

Has your partner been diagnosed with BPD? And does she acknowledge its impact on not only her, but you & your relationship? Is she away of the potential impact on your child? I think those are the next few questions to be asked in your situation.

Feel free to private message me if you want to chat!

[CreedsaMaybe]

Thanks for your response!  I set out to only answer your questions but ended up rolling with more of a brain dump/vent/cathartic journaling response.

To answer your questions:  she has been diagnosed with "BPD traits," and some other trauma-based diagnoses.  She outwardly acknowledges it is a challenge and is in her own counseling (although inconsistently and stopped DBT but it caused her to be triggered and reactive towards me around it).  However, I don't feel as if we've had an open and candid relationship on how BPD affects our relationship and our child.  I'd love to have that, but expect it to be difficult.  Every time I've tried to have that conversation I've ended up hurt.

Today was extremely challenging.  We had a couples session (after 6 weeks of delay) and brought up a topic from Monday.  I had communicated that I wouldn't accept being talked down to or past by saying "I won't talk like this" in a firm way.  She responded by calling me "f***ing rude" (not a rare thing and a consistent boundary I've established calmly and consistently).  After some attempts at "repair" then anger for me not apologizing, I was blocked out until shortly before our session today.

Shortly before our session she apologized and asked if I had anything to say?  She wanted me to apologize for setting the boundary firmly because she felt rejected.  I tried to validate and acknowledge her feelings by telling her I understood how she felt that way and that I would work on how to express a break.  That became the theme of our session, that I was harsh in setting my boundary instead of focusing on the "I feel... I need" language that is typical in couples counseling.  When I tried that later, I felt rejected by her response:  "you've gotta deal with you, and if you don't want to put in the hard work here..."

So, I'm just feeling so defeated.  I did what I felt I needed to do--respectfully and directly even if abrupt--to protect myself and my son.  We didn't get to talk about the tone she consistently uses with me.  I'm doing my own work and being accountable for my own actions.  I experienced a BPD relationship before and have an ADHD diagnosis myself.  That being said, I've always felt that I learned healthy emotional coping skills from a supportive open family.  Historically, only my marriage now and my last one relationship with a BPD partner have these situations (untreated ADHD may have something to do with seeking chaotic intimacy, and I'm working on that weekly).

But, right now, I just don't know which way is up, and I'm feeling trapped, helpless, hopless, and broken.

[Rev]

 Hi Creeds,

Welcome.  Sounds like you are really wanting to find some kind of connection for the betterment of your marriage and family.  You sound like a warm and caring man.

I'm not sure why exactly yet, and still am feeling an inclination to ask you if you are working on a sense of self-compassion. Put another way, are you able to say more about what kind of conversation is going on in your head with yourself when you read your own words here?  Setting boundaries and sticking to them can take a lot of energy. I know that in some cases, an early casualty can be the energy we have to appreciate ourselves and the gifts we bring to a relationship.  How does this resonate with you?

On another note - have you taken the time to scope out this site?  There may be something in the articles that helps you get some perspective on things.  Take your time - reach out any time.

Hang in there.

Rev

[Good Intentions]

I set out to only answer your questions but ended up rolling with more of a brain dump/vent/cathartic journaling response.

To answer your questions:  she has been diagnosed with "BPD traits," and some other trauma-based diagnoses.  She outwardly acknowledges it is a challenge and is in her own counseling (although inconsistently and stopped DBT but it caused her to be triggered and reactive towards me around it).  However, I don't feel as if we've had an open and candid relationship on how BPD affects our relationship and our child.  I'd love to have that, but expect it to be difficult.  Every time I've tried to have that conversation I've ended up hurt.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

So, I'm just feeling so defeated.  I did what I felt I needed to do--respectfully and directly even if abrupt--to protect myself and my son.  We didn't get to talk about the tone she consistently uses with me.  I'm doing my own work and being accountable for my own actions.  I experienced a BPD relationship before and have an ADHD diagnosis myself.  That being said, I've always felt that I learned healthy emotional coping skills from a supportive open family.  Historically, only my marriage now and my last one relationship with a BPD partner have these situations (untreated ADHD may have something to do with seeking chaotic intimacy, and I'm working on that weekly).

But, right now, I just don't know which way is up, and I'm feeling trapped, helpless, hopless, and broken.

@CreedsaMaybe - I really appreciate your brain dump! And I hope it was cathartic for you as it was validating for me.

Similar to your situation, my GF of 4 years can openly acknowledge her mental illness is a real thing, it exists, she just started a DBT program, etc. but any conversation that I initiate which is meant to be a productive discussion about the way her BPD manifests in our relationship / impacts me (and in your case, your child too) never really goes anywhere.

One of the things I've consistently read (great article link below) is that once a pwBPD becomes triggered / dysregulated / overwhelmed by their emotions, whatever limited ability they possess to be empathetic or understanding or a listener to you and your emotional experience goes completely out the window.

And a similar situation unfolded in your example with the couples therapy appointment. What began as you trying to communicate (in a healthy way & for the sake of your relationship) a boundary that would facilitate more respectful dialogue between the two of you turned into her finding something to be upset with you for...do you think that was a coincidence? Absolutely not!

When confronted with the possible ugly reality that they may have done something to hurt us or upset us or make us feel something other than "my partner is amazing & I love her & will never leave her", our partners with BPD will instinctively look for fault in us to avoid the feelings of shame/guilt that they may otherwise experience.

Does anyone agree with me?

[Good Intentions]

forgot the article link I referenced above...it's fairly long but jam-packed with insight -

https://armchairdeductions.wordpress.com/2019/04/16/the-borderline-mother-matriarchy-and-its-discontents/

it's written from the vantage point of a mother with BPD & her adult children, but the exact same dynamic could be used to describe my 27 y/o GF with diagnosed BPD as the "mother" and me as her "adult child".

[CreedsaMaybe]

Thank you for the responses.  Friday was a mess (re-ride of the Monday/Wednesday roller coaster), but it stopped (she said sorry for "being in a bad mood").  I was thankful for some quiet days to heal, but I can't just truly move forward without addressing some additional steps.  These are not patterns I want to continue in our home or relationship. 

Rev, my own counseling work focuses on self-acceptance, advocacy, love, and grace.  I've noticed I've felt more empowered by educating myself about my late ADHD diagnoses and my individual counseling sessions.  But, I still have a ways to go.  I'm proud I set a firm boundary last week, and know consciously that it's not my fault how pwBPD handled it.  And, the site resources are great and I haven't fully immersed myself in them (I think the Site was down Friday).  I look forward to finding more there too.

And, Good Intentions, "once a pwBPD becomes triggered/dysregulated/overwhelmed by their emotions, whatever limited ability they possess to be empathetic or understanding or a listener to you and your emotional experience goes completely out the window" resonates with me so much.  I notice that when I sense my pwBPD is triggered/dysregulated/overwhelmed, I get extremely anxious and scared because I don't feel safe and I want to put in a game plan for how to be safe (myself and son) in those moments.  That's my next way to address it but haven't yet because I've been trying to heal and seize some peace because I was broken last week.  I also have a big challenge/opportunity with work that should be taking my focus now.

I really appreciate the responses.  It was heartwarming to hear such kind responses so quickly.

[GaGrl]

You set a boundary and used the right words -- "I won,'t..." -- rather than telling her to stop or attempting to control her. That she turned it back on you is on her.

Bad reactions to having boundaries set are called "extinction bursts." The pwBPD's behavior worsens before he/she accepts that there is a boundary. You also saw how completely a pwBPD can reinterpret an action, turn it around, and use it to deflect his/her own behavior.

Are you planning to revisit the boundary conversation in your next counseling session?

[MobyCloud]

forgot the article link I referenced above...it's fairly long but jam-packed with insight -

https://armchairdeductions.wordpress.com/2019/04/16/the-borderline-mother-matriarchy-and-its-discontents/

it's written from the vantage point of a mother with BPD & her adult children, but the exact same dynamic could be used to describe my 27 y/o GF with diagnosed BPD as the "mother" and me as her "adult child".

This was a great share. Thank you for sharing your story and thank you for responding to the story with this link.

[CreedsaMaybe]

UPDATE

I sincerely appreciate the support on this thread and resources from this site.  Since my last post, I had my own counseling session and another couples session.  First, my own counseling session reassured me that I did the right thing by setting a firm/abrupt boundary.  Second, I addressed my frustration with the counselor in our couples session.   Our couples counselor acknowledged my frustration and said her goal was to promote intimate communication and discussion between my partner and I.  And, I was able to express that it only got to that point because gentler boundary-setting had not worked.  It's difficult because our couples sessions are only a slice of our relationship/dynamic and my pwBPD won't attack me in front of others (except our son).

I'm feeling more empowered and confident in my future--but concerns about BPD and its effect on my marriage persist.  My partner continues her individual counseling (EMDR for trauma) but stopped DBT after starting a master's program.  For myself, support and education are critical.  So, I'm looking for direct BPD counselors to aid my healing/support.  I've also been reading through the book "Loving Someone with Borderline Personality Disorder" to help maintain empathy for my partner and to make sense of episodes.  And, I will continue to be a frequent visitor here.

I'd like to also share a bit of hope.  In my early 20s, I had a relationship with a high-conflict partner full of BPD horror stories.  In contrast, my current pwBPD has been courageous and brave in seeking out healthy growth and breaking generational cycles.  In fact, she's working to be an LCSW and help children of traumatic childhood events.  I'm encouraged by progress, despite frequent frustration with the long road behind and ahead.

Hugs, grace, and love to all here!

[Rev]

Sounds like things are moving in a direction that pleases you.

That's always a good thing and never a bad thing.

Hang in there.

Rev

[CreedsaMaybe]

Thanks!  I'm not sure if the direction is "pleasing," but I am more at peace and self-assured that no matter what happens I will be okay.  It's one of the few bright spots of a relationship involving BPD--although you may become stripped bare to your core emotionally, you get to see your true self and deepest values.  I'm comforted knowing that my pwBPD can't change that part of me--no matter the relationship status.  Although it's hard to see through relationship turmoil, I like who I am.  I will keep focusing on growing in my light, and hope my pwBPD will grow too so that our partnership & its "garden" do the same.

[MobyCloud]

Thanks!  I'm not sure if the direction is "pleasing," but I am more at peace and self-assured that no matter what happens I will be okay.  It's one of the few bright spots of a relationship involving BPD--although you may become stripped bare to your core emotionally, you get to see your true self and deepest values.  I'm comforted knowing that my pwBPD can't change that part of me--no matter the relationship status.  Although it's hard to see through relationship turmoil, I like who I am.  I will keep focusing on growing in my light, and hope my pwBPD will grow too so that our partnership & its "garden" do the same.

I will defer to every other member here, but I am going to try to speak from my heart as I have just lost who I truly believe is the love of my life by giving an ultimatum in the heat of the moment of being at wit's end. I have two small kids involved, and there was physical violence in play, but essentially I did not realize how I was constantly invalidating my wife. I found myself in a situation I had to take action on, but I share in the blame in that. If I could go back in time, I would utilize the tools here, especially SET and avoid JADE. I would advocate for positive self talk, and not to take things too seriously. I fell in the trap of thinking "since she has a name for it, she should be doing better!" But in reality, if I think I understand her predicament, it should have made me more empathetic. I would advocate to ask myself daily "am I unconditionally loving this person? am I seeing her pain and internal struggles and helping or am I judging?" I would have redirected my "issues" with her into self work and showed vs. told. I would advise to separate being a victim in situations with ascribing to victim mentality. With that comes a sense of hopelessness (in my experience) that is not conducive to moving forward.

[Rev]

I will defer to every other member here, but I am going to try to speak from my heart as I have just lost who I truly believe is the love of my life by giving an ultimatum in the heat of the moment of being at wit's end. I have two small kids involved, and there was physical violence in play, but essentially I did not realize how I was constantly invalidating my wife. I found myself in a situation I had to take action on, but I share in the blame in that. If I could go back in time, I would utilize the tools here, especially SET and avoid JADE. I would advocate for positive self talk, and not to take things too seriously. I fell in the trap of thinking "since she has a name for it, she should be doing better!" But in reality, if I think I understand her predicament, it should have made me more empathetic. I would advocate to ask myself daily "am I unconditionally loving this person? am I seeing her pain and internal struggles and helping or am I judging?" I would have redirected my "issues" with her into self work and showed vs. told. I would advise to separate being a victim in situations with ascribing to victim mentality. With that comes a sense of hopelessness (in my experience) that is not conducive to moving forward.

Good day Moby.

I'm hearing you say that you are suffering from the décisions you have made. And I'm hearing you acknowledge the pain of it all. I'm sorry for that. I'd encourage you to find some forgiveness for yourself as you appear to be absorbing a lot of responsibility and/or blame for your break up.

Every journey is different - particularly in terms of the timing of things. "What coukd we have said and when could we have said it ?" It can be hard to understand or make sense of.

And as I have contemplated my own failed marriage and the regret and self loathing I suffered for a time I found this place - where I was free to explore the timing of my own journey.

One thing emerges for me - these kinds of relationships have a tendancy to bring out our worst by times. That's what can keep us trapped - the shame of not being proud of ourselves. It can be hard to find clarity.

May I ask a question? How about you and I start a more one on one conversation about your journey? What are your thoughts?

Let me know.

Everyone hang in there. One step at à time.

Rev