How do I tell her with minimal damage?

[Aurylian]

I haven't been on for a while, but used to help out on the "staying" forum.  My situation (BPD wife, diagnosed but not told by the therapist) has has lead to a lifestyle that I am no longer willing/able to live with.  I found out 12 years ago and have tried my best to be a loving husband, so this will come completely out of left field.  Just to be clear, I have expressed my needs, but each time it is met with how she has done everything and I'm just not happy.  How do I tell her I want a divorce?

Background: we have three daughters, two are adult and in college and have expressed many times they don't plan on ever spending time with their mother once they graduate.  The third is a sophomore in high school and still has two years left before she is 18.  The way this would work out is I would likely get physical custody of her, and how much time she spends with her mom would be up to her testimony in court.  I'm trying to have as little disruption of my daughter's life as possible, but there is no escaping how brutal this will be for both of us.  So, my BPD wife will feel abandoned by me, but also by her three daughters.  She has also managed to alienate most of her close friends so I'm not even sure who she would rely on for friendship.

How do I tell her?

[BigOof]

I told my wife we were not meeting each other's needs; she tried to shift the blame onto me; acted like it was her idea to get a divorce; and, then I noted we were in agreement.

[zaqsert]

Hi Aurylian,

I was also on the staying board when I had first been active here about 8 years ago. A number of years later, I had even considered coming back and sharing my "success story" on that board. But now I'm back, this time on this board, and gradually figuring out how I will go about divorcing.

Two things for you for starters:

1. Do you have a laywer? Have you worked out your plan with your lawyer? As I'm sure you know, your BPDw can be most unpredictable. So having your plans figured out before you say anything to your wife is very important.

2. I'm sure you've done a ton over the past 12 years to care for her and be a loving husband. There is no more you can or should do. You'll need to and want to focus on you and your needs. She is an adult, and she has made her choices. How her choices have affected her relationship with your daughters and friends is her responsibility, not yours. This can be a very tough one for us nice guys to do (paraphrasing ForeverDad). But it will be incredibly important for you to focus on you and what you need.

Others here have been through this and I'm sure have more advice to offer.

What plans have you thought through so far?

[ForeverDad]

When you are maintaining a relationship it is vital to share information so there can be trust.  With an acting-out disorder involved it may be a bit less, limited trust.  However, when it is determined that the marriage or relationship is failing or has failed, that sharing gets downsized.  Why?  Because once the pwBPD learns (or senses in subtle ways) that the marriage is ending, the pwBPD will try to sabotage or obstruct the other.  So the extent of necessary sharing is limited to what is legally required and aspects of parenting such as medical matters, child exchanges, etc.

One motto to remember is that you have a right to privacy and confidentiality.  So no announcements, "I'm going to interview prospective lawyers this week."  You have a right to quietly find out what rights and methods you have available to you to pursue a divorce.  Despite your preparations, she may sense something has changed in you and start interrogating you.  Again, you have a right to privacy and confidentiality.

While custody may not be a major obstacle since only one child is a minor and she will grow out of the family court system in a couple years, your spouse can still obstruct in many ways.  Expect delays in unexpected directions.

Our best manual for unwinding a marriage is Splitting: Protecting Yourself While Divorcing Someone with Borderline or Narcissistic Personality Disorder by William Eddy & Randi Kreger.  One of the first chapters describes how to find an experienced, proactive family law attorney, or lawyer.  Other chapters descible how to avoid the many mistakes Nice Guys and Nice Gals are apt to make when navigating the legal system.  The first lesson is that our "common sense" is not the court's common sense.  Its policies and procedures were shaped by decades of laws and case law.  The end result is we are quickly stumped as to what to do next.  Enter your support system:

• Your trusted friends and family
• Your local legal team
• Peer support such as those here who have "been there, done that"

[CoherentMoose]

Our best manual for unwinding a marriage is Splitting: Protecting Yourself While Divorcing Someone with Borderline or Narcissistic Personality Disorder by William Eddy & Randi Kreger.

Concur.  This book was a primer for my fiancé and proved to be invaluable in setting up her exit and divorce strategy.  Co Mo

[Aurylian]

I do have the name of a lawyer, but have not contacted her yet.  On advice of my therapist, I want to have a discussion with my daughter about where she is at--without disclosing my full position.  After that, I expect I will contact the lawyer and get a retainer down to set up plans.  I have done research on how this would likely break out.  Many years ago I feared my wife making up stories about me that could land me in jail.  But now I have available the testimony of my three daughters who should be able to prevent that from happening.  I have also come to peace with the loss of most of what I have worked hard for over the past 25 years. 

I have read Splitting a few times and recommended it to many others.  That book, this board, and a couple of close friends who had BPD wives has me more than prepared for the drama.  That is likely why I have waited so long.  But, my health and personality are starting to get negatively impacted and that is a sign I need to do something to create change. 

[PeteWitsend]

sounds like you have a plan.  I might still move forward with the legal steps of divorce & separation (ie, filing and moving out) before you have a talk with your youngest daughter, unless you can be certain that your BPDw will not find out about it, or your D won't disclose it to her (inadvertently or intentionally).

I think it's hard for kids to keep secrets from their parents, even if they know it's in their best interest. 

You can always tell her later why you waited to have a talk with her, and it sounds like she and your older daughters would all understand.