It's My Fault

[Evets]

Hello All,

First time post.  New member.  Marriage / communication problems. 

My wife of 27 years (together for 35) has been in therapy for 20 years.  She has chronic illness, brought on by childhood PTSD, and is very familiar with therapy, TIK TOK, full of advice and my favorite person in the world. 
I am reading Walking on Egg Shells, and she is a text book case.  But I'm the problem.  Insignificant issues become earth shattering.  We could be intimate, and 20 mins later she's crying.

And it's My Fault.  Yes.  A lot is my fault, but not this time. And probably not the last time either.  But, SOME TIME AGO it was my fault. 

Because of it being My Fault, I am the target for her release (dare I say volleys?) Outbursts and accusations, finger pointing and blame, disdain and vilification, LOVE AND APPRECIATION.  All of this and I am halfway home from work.
I fall into the traps, "man up" and take it on the chin.  Stand in front of the freight train because I love her, and that is love.  But she does not see it.  "show me how you love me".  "I need to see action". "You are #$%#@# and worthless".   I just walked in the door and "what's for dinner, because I don't want to decide, but I don't want ..."  All in the same day.
Sure, it is not my fault.  "I teach her to treat me the way she does". 

Our marriage counselor is in awe of how "cool and calm" I am during an outburst in session.  Looks at me sideways when I tell her (not explain) that this is "par for the course" : "Five, six times a month".  Yes.  I repress.  I repress my emotions, feelings, thoughts, likes, (I think you all know).
I am learning to direct her outbursts, mollify them with "shiny things" like changing the subject.  Which of course leads to another TIRADE. 

And I know that her therapist is not equipped, because my wife is smart, empathetic, hyper-alert, people pleaser, anxious, anxiety ridden and REALLY smart.  But "normal" with her therapist.  I dare not bring the words of Borderline Personality Disorder, cause you know, "If I'm bringing it up, it must be about me".

Any way, I have a therapist who holds me accountable.  Adult children who are NOT always caught up, and a love for her that she does not understand or believe (because I don't show her love, no actions).

This felt good.  I have been journaling, but this felt good.  I ran on.  I dumped.  I released some frustration and resentment in another direction, and for that I say thank you.









 

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RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[PearlsBefore]

There's definitely a strong bias to assume that the person who raises BPD is the one who actually has BPD (and in fairness, I think every veteran on this forum has seen BPD patients wander in here to rant about their "insane" spouse who they're SURE must be BPD and we recognise them pretty easily)...and by the same token, if you're not BPD - then the assumption is that you must be a narcissist because narcissists love BPDs. It fails to take into account generally stoic, often religious do-gooder types who genuinely are not narcissists, of course .

You've been together such a long time, I'm curious whether you'd say in general she's calmed down in her older years, remained about the same, or gone downhill? It can't be easy.

[So many questions]

I needed to read this today. I’m really missing my ex. She was the most beautiful person I’ve ever met and I fell madly in love with her.

“Stand in front of the freight train because I love her” really struck a nerve with me. If you look at my last post. I’m putting the blame on me for not standing infront of the train. Not being stronger. But in reality, I took on a lot.

But it’s stories like yours, that make me realize it didn’t matter what I did. I would have to repress every emotion. I’ve always been one to stand up for myself or questions odd behavior. That was my biggest mistake with her. I exposed all her lies. I saw past the mask and still loved her.

No matter if I did that until I married her, Im afraid she still would’ve found things to rage about. Im not sure. A part of me feels like if I had just been carefree, loving, accepting of her flaws and decisions; she would’ve eventually came around. We were so close at times. The cheating was always when she was drunk. That’s surface level interactions. Why did I care? She still chose me. I was the one who got to meet her amazing family, go on trips, dinners, cry with her, laugh with her, hold her when she broke down, spend days just us. I feel like i let my insecurities get the best of me - and I blew it.

The life I wanted, with the person I wanted, was right infront of me. All I had to do was take it and eventually we would find common ground.