BPD Partner Craving Control then Burns Out (Support/Advice/Resources)

[CreedsaMaybe]

Hello!

My partner with BPD Traits has this cycle of gaining control then burning herself out and blaming me for no support.

The cycle starts when she starts taking over tasks that I have been or am doing.  It’s almost like a race to complete tasks.  For example, I would do dishes in the AM and cook breakfast.  It helps me get my brain started and some energy/momentum for the day.  Then all of a sudden she would go to the bathroom then head downstairs immediately afterwards and do dishes and breakfast (or do them the night before).  Then, I adjust or try to talk about the new normal/expectations.  She typically says “I like the way I do things” or that it’s her way to de-stress and to not take it away from her.  When that’s unsuccessful, I try to fill in where I can—spending time with our son getting him ready or other tasks.  Eventually, this continues until I’m feeling trapped out of options to do something.  What’s worse, when I am doing something it’s like I have a hawk over my shoulder watching my every move or taking over while I’m doing something.  I offer creative ways to support and communicate (which are rejected).  I’m left with sneaking tasks where I can, but that’s not sustainable:  like when she’s out of the house.  Even that is met with anger for “redoing” something she did or not doing something right.  There’s always a storm.

That alone is very challenging for me, but it gets worse when she eventually blames me for being unsupportive when she’s overwhelmed.  These arguments are not based on observations or facts, but her feeling overwhelmed.  I’m working better to validate the feelings of fear/abandonment/overwhelm, but I’m also very frustrated at this point as I’ve sought to communicate over this many times before this point.  I again offer alternatives and solutions, but unless I agree to her solution, I’m not being a partner.  In fact, when I validated how hard that overwhelm must be her response was, “so what are you going to do about it?”  She has called me names and accused me of doing nothing while I’m spending a disproportionate amount of time trying to avoid issues.

I’m hurt because I’m a supportive person at my core. I’m working on drawing boundaries and not enabling behavior I can’t accept.  Part of the advice I’ve found from the book Loving Someone with Borderline is to let them feel the impact of their decisions.  Here, I’m trying to rely on that advice.

What I’ve done and plan to continue to do is offer what I can, based on my own obligations and responsibilities.  But, it’s so defeating to have all the tasks taken over and then yelled at by a struggling partner for “not helping.”

I guess I’m just trying to document this, but I’m feeling helpless and trapped—but trying to access empathy.  I want some empathy for me too.  I don’t know where to go w this because I’m expecting it’ll just get worse as I stand my ground, but I guess that’s not on me no matter how much it’s thrown on me.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Cat Familiar]

I’m sorry to say that if you’re looking for empathy from her, it’s going to be difficult to find. People with BPD are so focused on their own emotional state that their partners often are more like the furniture in the room than people who need love and support too.

What drew you together initially was probably her sensitivity. However as relationships deepen, that focus often turns inward and partners of people with BPD are expected to take care of their own emotional needs. Unfair? Absolutely, but that’s what you’re dealing with.

The only alternative is to develop a thick skin so that those words no longer hurt you and you see them as an expression of her emotional discomfort. Easy? No, but necessary.

Don’t engage in circular arguments. Don’t JADE (justify, argue, defend, explain) yourself. And check out the Tools at the top of this page.

[CreedsaMaybe]

Thanks!  This helps, but it's deflating because I feel like it limits opportunities for connection--but it needs to go both ways and I want to protect myself.

[FirstSteps]

I think Cat has the only real answer.  But I can just say that this has been my life in so many ways, and I'm still struggling with it.  We've even started setting new "agreements" and routines based explicitly on the fact that she will dysregulate.  They are supposed to be water proof.

And, then, well, you know the story.  I was getting divorced for half an hour this morning but now she's weeping about losing me.  Meanwhile, my work day is blown up despite my best efforts to maintain boundaries.