How common are phrases used to disguise BPD?

[Depression = 72% of members]

Khibomsis-

I agree with your post. Normalizing my BPD mother's behaviors was a form of gaslighting. But to first be honest with a child, one needs to be honest with themselves.

"Keeping the secret" normalizing BPD mother's behavior has probably been the #1 of our family and  all of us were enlisted in this effort. It was the main requirement to stay in connection with BPD mother. While my father surely was aware of what she was doing, he also was somehow a part of the dynamics between them and to actually remain in a relationship with her, he had to participate in this denial.

To be honest with us kids, he'd have to not be in denial. His relationship with her depended on this.

It was easier to perpetuate this secret when we were little and were not as aware of what was appropriate behavior. But kids grow up and learn how other mothers are and also the rules of behavior and eventually question what is going on. Yet, the minimizing continued and we bought into it. We had to.

Like you, I learned about BPD and also what constitutes verbal and emotional abuse later on as an adult. Physical abuse is obvious. The other ones are less subtle. I was surprised to see behaviors that were "normalized" in my family on the list of abusive ones, and yes, also felt I must tolerate being subjected to them in other relationships because I didn't recognize what they are. This is a danger of minimizing them to children- you set the stage for them to be in abusive relationships when they become adults.

But I didn't want to be treated like that and so learned to have boundaries. This came with a cost I was not prepared for. Having boundaries with my BPD mother somehow broke the normalizing rule with her and this is the required rule for anyone who wants to have a relationship with her and since she and my father were aligned on this, it was the requirement for a relationship with him too.

When I first set some boundaries, BPD mother was not happy about that. He sent me an email saying "I just want us to be a happy family again"

Talk about a phrase to disguise BPD! add this to the list "Happy Family".

"Happy family" meant tolerating abuse and pretending it didn't happen. It means being cohesive with him in minimizing her behavior. And I did for him. I loved my father and did what he asked to maintain a relationship with him. Actually,  we did have a lot of happy times when the drama was minimized and also when we were with Dad alone ( which made it harder to "see" the abuse part)  I know now that he played a large part in appeasing her and keeping her as stable as possible.

However this boundary was not for me. It was for my children. She was starting to enlist them as her emotional caretakers and one thing I knew I would not let happen was to let her treat them the way she treated her own children. That was a firm boundary. I assumed my father would understand but he got angry.

I was expecting too much from him.

Abuse can not be discussed in an open way until the partner who is tolerating it can address it directly. And if they choose not to, or don't feel they can do that, it's not possible to do this with a child.

So as much as I agree with  khibomsis, I have seen where this isn't going to happen and so the default may have to be the next best things.

[Notwendy]

Khibomsis-

I agree with your post. Normalizing my BPD mother's behaviors was a form of gaslighting. But to first be honest with a child, one needs to be honest with themselves.

"Keeping the secret" normalizing BPD mother's behavior has probably been the #1 of our family and  all of us were enlisted in this effort. It was the main requirement to stay in connection with BPD mother. While my father surely was aware of what she was doing, he also was somehow a part of the dynamics between them and to actually remain in a relationship with her, he had to participate in this denial.

To be honest with us kids, he'd have to not be in denial. His relationship with her depended on this.

It was easier to perpetuate this secret when we were little and were not as aware of what was appropriate behavior. But kids grow up and learn how other mothers are and also the rules of behavior and eventually question what is going on. Yet, the minimizing continued and we bought into it. We had to.

Like you, I learned about BPD and also what constitutes verbal and emotional abuse later on as an adult. Physical abuse is obvious. The other ones are less subtle. I was surprised to see behaviors that were "normalized" in my family on the list of abusive ones, and yes, also felt I must tolerate being subjected to them in other relationships because I didn't recognize what they are. This is a danger of minimizing them to children- you set the stage for them to be in abusive relationships when they become adults.

But I didn't want to be treated like that and so learned to have boundaries. This came with a cost I was not prepared for. Having boundaries with my BPD mother somehow broke the normalizing rule with her and this is the required rule for anyone who wants to have a relationship with her and since she and my father were aligned on this, it was the requirement for a relationship with him too.

When I first set some boundaries, BPD mother was not happy about that. He sent me an email saying "I just want us to be a happy family again"

Talk about a phrase to disguise BPD! add this to the list "Happy Family".

"Happy family" meant tolerating abuse and pretending it didn't happen. It means being cohesive with him in minimizing her behavior. And I did for him. I loved my father and did what he asked to maintain a relationship with him. Actually,  we did have a lot of happy times when the drama was minimized and also when we were with Dad alone ( which made it harder to "see" the abuse part)  I know now that he played a large part in appeasing her and keeping her as stable as possible.

However this boundary was not for me. It was for my children. She was starting to enlist them as her emotional caretakers and one thing I knew I would not let happen was to let her treat them the way she treated her own children. That was a firm boundary. I assumed my father would understand but he got angry.

I was expecting too much from him.

Abuse can not be discussed in an open way until the partner who is tolerating it can address it directly. And if they choose not to, or don't feel they can do that, it's not possible to do this with a child.

So as much as I agree with  khibomsis, I have seen where this isn't going to happen and so the default may have to be the next best things.

[Teabunny]

Oh, yes Notwendy, that is another one I heard growing up.

Talk about a phrase to disguise BPD! add this to the list "Happy Family".

"I just want us to be a happy family again" was something my mom would say. It suggested that at one time we were happy, but were in a recent period of unhappiness, which didn't reflect my experiences. It was hard throughout my entire childhood living with my parents. To my mom, she kept it vague as far as why we were an unhappy family, but she figured it was my fault or my dad's fault. Thus the emotional pleading to let us be "happy" again. It's bizarre.

I'm going through a version of this right now. My mother's mother recently passed away. I am shocked, and sad, but when Dad called to tell me grandma had died, without considering my feelings, he launched into detailed descriptions (as is his habit) of the abuse he endured from my mom the day before. I excused myself, telling him a word of support but getting off the phone quickly. Later, I texted him a reminder that I gave him free hotlines in case he needs help with Mom or for himself. And he responded as though nothing were wrong, that he and Mom were going to have dinner and watch a movie that night!

I know that this is a typical pattern that's hard to break - there are abusive days, followed by relatively calm ones or even a good time, followed by more abuse. But I don't know how to stand in reality and make decisions related to my parents. Dad is either triangulating against Mom to receive sympathy / something from me, or, denying the problem and acting like everything is OK. I set a boundary not to listen to triangulation from either, and not to allow them to put me in the position of a marriage counselor anymore. But it's still hard for me to maintain a hold on reality, with all these cover-up phrases!

[khibomsis]

Notwendy, you chose to protect your children. It was the right choice. 

[Notwendy]

Thanks khibomsis- it wasn't even a question of what to do. There is no way I would allow her to treat them like she treated her own children. I was also upset when I saw how she treated my father. I tried to intervene but I was naive to the dynamics. Basically, being a "happy family" means appeasing her to keep the peace.

[Liren]

"Intense"

"Dad's really intense today."  "He has some intense feeling about XYZ."

Also, "complicated".

[beatricex]

Something to try when validating.  Make sure you do so 3 times.

Child:  that was mean
me:  yes, it was mean.  how does it make you feel?

Child:  I don't like it
me:  you feel conflicted?  I don't like that icky feeling either

Child:  I wish we could be just be happy (again)
me:  I hear you (I see you.  you are important to me.  you are a good kid Validation).  you know what makes me happy?  ...


Takes the focus away from your person with BPD, and puts it back on your people suffering along with you with your person with BPD (or emotional dysreguation, if you prefer)

[Turkish]

That's good beatricex

A recovered pwBPD explained it something like this: "my feelings are invalid and don't matter, therfore, I don't matter (and am unworthy of being loved)."

It can be especially tough with parents of elder age with other issues, but validation goes a long way. For anybody, not just pwBPD. We were all invalidated children after all.

[todayistheday]

I don't know if it's a phrase to disguise it as much as how my family always explained it.

Mom was an only child.  She lived next door to her grandparents and two indulgent spinster aunts.    Everyone always considered her to be "spoiled" and used to getting her way.

There was a third aunt who was a widow (I'll call her Hagatha) and also probably BPD.  She was mean to the other two aunts.  She has also been describe as "just like Aunt Hagatha".

[Pilpel]

The NPD in our family is my brother's wife.  I feel like my mom dismissed the full scope of her behavior by calling it bipolar.  Bipolar to me suggests extremes highs and extreme lows.  And that was never my experience with her.  "She's bipolar and she'll be fine if she gets on medication."  She's actually on medication right now, after having a breakdown last winter.  I've been NC with her for the past 2 1/2 years, but from what I hear from other people she is becoming more erratic and unhinged now after being on meds for half a year.  I just talked to my parents this morning, and they said they've never seen her act so unhinged (and ranting about me) like they saw her act when she came to their house yesterday.

[FeelingStuck]

We also used the term 'upset' in my family, and 'pulling a [insert mom's name here]'. I always thought using the word upset was off because it doesn't accurately capture how unwarranted and unjust the outbursts are. 'Don't upset mom' was never something any of us could prevent because if she was in the mood to be upset, no matter what we said, it would happen. I'm trying to start describing her actions in a more active way to stop explaining away her bad behavior —actions, instead of reactions. Instead of 'yesterday mom was so upset so we couldn't finish our conversation planning for her birthday' I'd like to tell myself or others: 'I called mom to make plans with her about her birthday but when I said I couldn't take a whole week off work to spend time with her, she yelled at me for being inflexible and not caring about her, and quickly lost control of her emotions, so we couldn't make a plan together, and then she hung up on me.'

And pulling a mom always felt a bit like a sly subversion of her authority, which I felt guilty partaking in, but now I understand it was a coping mechanism to use that phrase. Really incredible to me how many of our family dynamics have been so similar.