My relationship with my mother has never been great, but overall it was...fine. We went through phases. In middle/high school, I felt like I was her only friend. She vented to my about my dad, her lack of good friendships, my grandma, etc. It felt fine then, I am an regimented person often thinking in black and white, never fit in super well in public schools and felt pretty strongly about many things, so I vented a lot to her as well too. So I think I thought that it was a mutual relationship - we both supported each other. But, as continued into adulthood, she's spiraled downward. I'm 30 and she's almost 60. I now live across the country from her, married and stable. She, however, divorced my dad in 2014, moved to another state, started over, and for a while was doing well. BPD caught my attention a few years back, I started to read a book and wondered if maybe it afflicted my mother - but after mentioning to her and getting an angry response, I dropped it. She was doing fine anyways, independent with a job she liked, a town she enjoyed living in, with friends and a love interest. She seemed to be doing better than before her divorce. So, I dropped it and forgot about it.
But, since last year, she was fired from her job and her mental and physical health has decreased drastically. She has complained about physical illnesses for months, but doesn't follow through with her Dr. appts or prescriptions, from what I can tell. She is quite paranoid and seems to have delusional beliefs about other's intentions, and is very fearful of people who are "good" or "evil", and often thinks that she's the center of some nefarious plan. A few months back, I started to rethink the possibility of her having BPD. I read a book on the topic (Daniel Lobel's
When Your Mother Has Borderline Personality Disorder: A Guide for Adult Children) and it was VERY eye opening. Since then, I've been talking more with my father and my 4 other siblings - my mom hasn't been diagnosed with BPD, but it's very clear that her actions and symptoms line up spot on to someone with BPD.
It's been a helpful realization but an exhausting one as well. I've always thought that there was hope that eventually I'd get to have mother that would support me and actually care about
me...rather than me having to parent her in every interaction we have. Realizing she has BPD has been incredibly freeing and also very weighty. A few of my siblings have chosen to distance themselves from my mom, which I understand. I am trying to figure out how to set boundaries so that I can stay mentally afloat, but I also want to help her (if she's willing to be helped). She's in a very bad spot right now, not taking care of herself physically, possibly ill (although she may be lying about some illness/physical afflictions to get attention), and has some very deep paranoia fear that is driving her day-to-day activities. She doesn't have a job and doesn't have a relationship with most of her family close by (some by her choice and some by other's choice). I have tried to offer help with finding her a new home (as she is very fearful of her current entire town - she thinks they're out to get her (literally thinks they're trying to kill her) since her political beliefs differ from most in that area), but she often questions my trustworthiness and doesn't share details often because she doubts my love and trustworthiness and she isn't willing to trust.
I am trying to figure out how to move forward, knowing now that she is and has been afflicted by this serious mental illness. I'm exhausted. The confusion on whether I should keep hope that she can get better or whether to cut her off completely hounds me. She calls me in spurts and she dominates 90% of the conversations with general nonsense (which is reality to her - people scheming against her and no one loves/supports her, including me sometimes)...it's exhausting. But, I'm worried for her. Occasionally, I think that maybe I can nudge her to consider a residential treatment program or to bring up the topic of BPD...but usually she ends the conversation before we actually get to talk about anything real. She is not living a healthy lifestyle and at this rate, she'll need more intense care than most at her age in a few years...which I think she wants. She wants me (and my 2 other sibs who are still talking to her) to run to her side and save her. I want her to be okay, but I need to be okay also...and I don't know how to accomplish both of those things. And to set boundaries and not let her walk all over me like she trained me to do throughout my childhood.
I'm in a processing stage, realizing that my childhood was not normal and my mother is quite ill...still trying to wrap my head around that. Trying to figure out what a relationship with her looks like. I'm confused yet hopeful and also exhausted. If you're reading this far, thank you
Looking forward to joining this community! I've been going to therapy for a while as well, but thought that having conversation and being open to advice from others in similar situations may be very helpful!
