Pushing Me Away Because He Wants the Best For Me

[joy44]

Hi,
I was in a relationship with someone diagnosed with BPD for a few months and things were really great. Then he started struggling a lot and pushing me away because he felt he is broken and it isnt fair for me to have to deal with his issues.
I tried to be supportive and reassuring, but ended up suggesting some space for a while just because it seemed to be upsetting him so much.
We still talk daily, have caught up etc and things are generally really good with us most of the time, although he is still keeping me at arms length. I reassure him that I still love him and i'm not going anywhere and we both care about each other a lot.
I really want to renew our relationship and work on things with him but am not sure how to address his concerns about it not being fair on me.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Silverdash]

I wanted to empathize with you @joy44 it is so hard and confusing. I have no advices cos I am going through some thing similar. I hope some one can give you (and me) guidence.

[user]

Hi,
I was in a relationship with someone diagnosed with BPD for a few months and things were really great. Then he started struggling a lot and pushing me away because he felt he is broken and it isnt fair for me to have to deal with his issues.
I tried to be supportive and reassuring, but ended up suggesting some space for a while just because it seemed to be upsetting him so much.
We still talk daily, have caught up etc and things are generally really good with us most of the time, although he is still keeping me at arms length. I reassure him that I still love him and i'm not going anywhere and we both care about each other a lot.
I really want to renew our relationship and work on things with him but am not sure how to address his concerns about it not being fair on me.

hi, I know how you feel I was their in that situation and its just gets worst
when the honeymoon end's for people who have bpd they start splitting and you can't understand why this is happened for a person ho has tell you that he love's in the last week but now he just don't feel anything and want to break up with u, it's hurt, read about this disorder it can help you

[Cat Familiar]

Typically relationships with people with BPD (pwBPD) start off great (honeymoon phase) then as intimacy develops, they often push away (the push/pull phase). There is a tremendous amount of shame and self loathing that pwBPD feel and his claim of wanting the best for you could either be based upon that, or that the relationship has become too close for him and he is starting to feel suffocated.

It is possible to develop a closer relationship with a pwBPD, but if he’s feeling that it’s getting too close, it’s counterproductive to try and negotiate.

It would be wonderful if the honeymoon phase lasted, but sadly it doesn’t. It can return briefly at times and that is what keeps so many of us holding onto what could otherwise be seen as dysfunctional relationships.

That said, it’s possible to have a much healthier relationship with a pwBPD. That involves working on ourselves and developing a lot of independence and emotional self sufficiency. Are you up for that?

[joy44]

Thanks for the feedback.
I've been doing what research I can on this and am very aware that there will be cycles of this stuff and the honeymoon period can't last.
I generally feel that there is more good than bad though and I feel like if he is willing to be with me and work on things then I am definitely willing to do the same. I am already working through my own stuff to try and be a better partner for him