Lack of boundaries

[Depression = 72% of members]

Hi. This is my first post or forum. I’m currently in a relationship with my female significant other. We are both 40ish and have been together about 3.5 yrs. We are engaged. During this time period she was diagnosed with borderline personality disorder. After her diagnosis I was diagnosed with ADHD. Shortly thereafter I also picked up a  PTSD diagnosis stemming from a serious work accident of a co worker, who subsequently passed away. I’ve been seeing my regular therapist via zoom for the whole time we’ve been together. My fiancé also started seeing the same therapist separately. It’s a non directional relational model. She was also in a DBT based therapy shortly. But we haven’t been able to find another therapist that offers the DBT.
I started a body oriented Somatic Experiencing therapy as an adjunct to my current relational therapy. I had developed some shoulder twitching after the work accident that mirrored my co worker’s immediate injuries. Plus I’m just generally a kinesthetic, tactile, learning in action type. None the less, after starting SE this therapist brought up the term CPTSD as a diagnosis and the body work associated with the therapy has accelerated my flashbacks and body memories to the point where sometimes I need space and alone time in attempts to figure out how to regulate myself. My partner is triggered by most things I do or say. If I ask for time alone(In the same house just a different room) she gets super upset and it escalates tremendously and quickly. If she comes in and immediately tries to unload on me with conversation and I ask her if we can talk about it a little later because I’m not in a place to hold space for her or me, she also perceives this as a slight. So these scenarios seem to turn into my needs being dismissed, shamed, minimized, twisted into me being a selfish psycho and her freaking out chasing me around touching and grabbing at me when I ask her to stop then sometimes ending with her threatening suicide. I cannot find any way to reason with her or calm the situation. I can’t figure out what I say or do exactly that causes these outbursts because it’s always changing. If I imagine a boundary around me it’s like she can sense it and she exponentially destabilizes. It’s very hard on a good day but it’s almost impossible to cope when im in an active state with a flashback or body memory or whatever the hell I have going on because I don’t even have a language to describe myself at those times. But I do ask her to please give me space and let her know it’s not her causing it. But in the end it always escalates and I feel like im gonna lose my mind or like my brain is going to explode.
I’ve just recently started stating boundaries because the first few years was a blur. At first I just had no idea what was going on. Then I was scared I was going to mess her up more. She doesn’t seem to notice my emotional states at all. If I try to verbalize them in order to avoid any miscommunication it just seems to ignite rage in her. Im also not great at being as sensitive as I could be in my wording. So im trying to learn to be more soft and less blunt/honest. Im just wondering if im consistent in setting boundaries and removing myself when they’re being crossed if there’s a chance everything will eventually level out? I’ve encouraged her to also be proactive in voicing her boundaries also. She’s not on board with that yet. I don’t exactly know what’s appropriate for me to request or if I have reasonable interpersonal expectations because im not sure about the nature of borderline. Does anyone know basic boundaries that would help me feel safe that I could start off with that are not too lofty when taking BPD into consideration? Thanks for any help. 

[Breanie]

Hi. This is my first post or forum. I’m currently in a relationship with my female significant other. We are both 40ish and have been together about 3.5 yrs. We are engaged. During this time period she was diagnosed with borderline personality disorder. After her diagnosis I was diagnosed with ADHD. Shortly thereafter I also picked up a  PTSD diagnosis stemming from a serious work accident of a co worker, who subsequently passed away. I’ve been seeing my regular therapist via zoom for the whole time we’ve been together. My fiancé also started seeing the same therapist separately. It’s a non directional relational model. She was also in a DBT based therapy shortly. But we haven’t been able to find another therapist that offers the DBT.
I started a body oriented Somatic Experiencing therapy as an adjunct to my current relational therapy. I had developed some shoulder twitching after the work accident that mirrored my co worker’s immediate injuries. Plus I’m just generally a kinesthetic, tactile, learning in action type. None the less, after starting SE this therapist brought up the term CPTSD as a diagnosis and the body work associated with the therapy has accelerated my flashbacks and body memories to the point where sometimes I need space and alone time in attempts to figure out how to regulate myself. My partner is triggered by most things I do or say. If I ask for time alone(In the same house just a different room) she gets super upset and it escalates tremendously and quickly. If she comes in and immediately tries to unload on me with conversation and I ask her if we can talk about it a little later because I’m not in a place to hold space for her or me, she also perceives this as a slight. So these scenarios seem to turn into my needs being dismissed, shamed, minimized, twisted into me being a selfish psycho and her freaking out chasing me around touching and grabbing at me when I ask her to stop then sometimes ending with her threatening suicide. I cannot find any way to reason with her or calm the situation. I can’t figure out what I say or do exactly that causes these outbursts because it’s always changing. If I imagine a boundary around me it’s like she can sense it and she exponentially destabilizes. It’s very hard on a good day but it’s almost impossible to cope when im in an active state with a flashback or body memory or whatever the hell I have going on because I don’t even have a language to describe myself at those times. But I do ask her to please give me space and let her know it’s not her causing it. But in the end it always escalates and I feel like im gonna lose my mind or like my brain is going to explode.
I’ve just recently started stating boundaries because the first few years was a blur. At first I just had no idea what was going on. Then I was scared I was going to mess her up more. She doesn’t seem to notice my emotional states at all. If I try to verbalize them in order to avoid any miscommunication it just seems to ignite rage in her. Im also not great at being as sensitive as I could be in my wording. So im trying to learn to be more soft and less blunt/honest. Im just wondering if im consistent in setting boundaries and removing myself when they’re being crossed if there’s a chance everything will eventually level out? I’ve encouraged her to also be proactive in voicing her boundaries also. She’s not on board with that yet. I don’t exactly know what’s appropriate for me to request or if I have reasonable interpersonal expectations because im not sure about the nature of borderline. Does anyone know basic boundaries that would help me feel safe that I could start off with that are not too lofty when taking BPD into consideration? Thanks for any help. 

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[formflier]

Thanks for making your first post!  How did you feel after posting it?

I would appreciate hearing more about your story.  Boundaries were the number 1 thing that changed my relationship for the better.  Like you...I just had never thought about or tried them.

Can you share what boundaries you have set up?

Where have you learned about boundaries so far?  Books?

Best,

FF