Husband with BPD traits

[Pure]

This is my first time reaching out in a group setting like this. My husband of 38 years has always been difficult, and quite bewildering to live with. Many times I didn't know what to make of him, except that he was just mean. As we were raising our 2, now grown, sons, I kept focused on them. And honestly, was determined and successful much of the time, to protect them from this "meanness". If I knew then what I know now, I may have left, to minimize the decades of heartbreaking memories. He's always known he's this way, but got lost in it and couldn't find a way out. He, and I at times, have seen many counselors over the years, with little success. He has been diagnosed with PTSD from childhood trauma. I've felt deeply for what he went through.
As a Crisis Chaplain, I recently felt drawn to take a course on personality disorders, with an emphasis on BPD, as part of ongoing training. This is where I learned so many of my husband's unhealthy traits over the years - was a thing!  It had a name; not just random hurtful behavior. I would burst into tears as I saw my life with him, and him with himself - explained.  Most of all, we weren't alone in it. It was hard to process that so many others have been going through similar pain with those they love.
He is high functioning, so he is very social, talented, and always been a great provider. I'm very grateful. But very few would believe, or want to hear, the traits he manifested with his wife and sons. I stopped sharing it with friends and family because it felt embarrassing that it was still going on after so many years. And after all, it's a roller coaster; so there were "up" days shortly after the ones in the ditch.  Looking back over 40 years of relationship, 7 of the 9 BPD traits have rung true with him.  His current therapist is treating some "tentacles" of BPD, such as anger, rejection and ADHD, but will not diagnose BPD due to lack of severity. It's ok, I don't have to have his validation of 4 decades of my reality in this relationship.  I'm very thankful that my husband is willing to seek help, and he has actually experienced healing in some impulsivity and addictions. I am hopeful and trusting in God.
But I do want support for my soul.  I want to heal from the grief and anger of it all; even though I am relieved and thankful that I now have a better understanding of what's been going on. I have a great deal of compassion for him, but I know I need extra self care to continue, after such a long time and getting older!   I so appreciate the information available on BPD, and especially those that share similar experiences.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Cat Familiar]

   Welcome Pure,
We really do understand what you’ve been experiencing. How can we help?

Cat

[15years]

Has your anger changed in any way since learning about bpd? My theory (and I think that I have read this somewhere, maybe even many times) is that when we see the reality of our past, our anger is released. Just wanted to point that out, so if this is the case for you, I think it's normal. I don't know how this process works in the long run, what happens with the anger over time. And maybe grief is part of this too? If someone has more experience about this, I think it would be helpful to know where we are heading.

If I knew then what I know now, I may have left, to minimize the decades of heartbreaking memories
This struck me somehow and I relate to this description. I'm at the beginning of my children's childhood, the heartbreaking memories are unfolding in real time. I'm now taking steps to turn this around. I still don't know how big of a difference I can make. And if leaving is the best way to minimize the heartbreaking memories.