BPD Mother Splitting Siblings

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

I think this is what’s going on. This is a long vent.

This is an exNPDBPDw since 2012.  We have a S15 and S17.  Mother is one that has tremendous neediness and fears of abandonment.  So she “created” S17 by saying “I forgot to take my birth control.”  Situation with S15 is similar, unplanned.  At least for me.  In her mind she would birth children and create her own lifelong advocates.  Significant alienation with S17, enmeshment, and parentification. 50/50 custody.

S17 has had behavioral issues since kindergarten.  Some of which I only heard about from acquaintances, not from mother.  Many suspensions, probation for taking a knife to school, and then the pandemic hit and things got really difficult.  Started with a girlfriend, they started smoking marijuana, staying out all night, then S17 was caught selling vaping pens – I was finding rolls of cash in his backpack.  The marijuana continued.  He had a job, lost a job, had a job, lost a job.

In all cases mother either makes excuses for S17, or, may appear to have good parental intentions, but allows the child to get his way.  Example, the last two years S17 was spending less and less time with me.  She would “send” him to me, to walk the 1.5 miles from her house to my house.  “S17 just left the house and I sent him to your house, told him to go straight to your house.”  Everybody involved knows that S17 does not do as he’s told, so he doesn’t show up.  This happened many times.  The money, I had a roll of $250 from his bag.  Told mom and the bf about it, she began to ask me about the money.  Can I have that money?  There was a fabricated scenario created by S17 that he had to pay his “source” for product or they were going to beat him up.  At the time we (including mom) all said, hey, we don’t know if this source is true so if he doesn’t have the money maybe S17 will stay away from the kid.  Well, I gave the money to the bf, then eventually found that mother gave the money to S17.  So in front of everybody she appeared like she was doing the right thing, but when nobody else was around she was appeasing S17.

So this school year starts, and within one week S17 is “I’m not going to school today.”  At this point S17 is 100% with mother.  This pattern of attendance continues today.  And mother, a teacher, has tried nothing to address the truancy issue.  Mother’s unsustainable parenting tactics have now come full circle and even she can’t motivate S17 to go to school.   

Now S15.  Luckily he did not spend as much time around mother since the divorce started in his infancy.  Always been a sporty kid, very active with several sports.  A decent student but no where near as high-IQ as S17.  Fortunately he was always so busy that he didn’t have time to get into trouble.  However, mother does use some of the same tactics to motivate S15.  The reward approach, “Honey, they need a goalie for lacrosse today, if you play goal today I’ll buy those $100 cleats you wanted.”  “Look at this $800 phone I got you.”  She pampers him.  Her and bf would openly criticize an official if a call was made against S15.

Through the S17 issues of the last two years, mother has switched to accusing S15 of doing what S17 was doing.  Marijuana, without provocation she would accuse S15 of smoking marijuana.  His grades are dropping and he’s not doing homework or tries getting out of it all the time. Bad habits.  So some time goes on, now present day, and S15 and a buddy are caught vaping two weeks ago.  S15 was skipping football practices and hanging out with a bad crowd. 

So last night things came to a head.  He wasn’t at football practice.  Three people involved, me, mother and coach, each given a different story.  The story to coach was that I had tested positive for covid and S15 didn’t want to risk being with the team.  Now, yesterday he was with me, and mother seemed to be digging deep to determine S15s whereabouts during practice.  He was with me.  Mother was calling other parents, etc.  Mother is texting me, and trying to call S15.  She’s offended that he’s not answering HER calls.     

Through this period of time it appears she is trying to portray S15 to be as bad as S17.  Trying very hard to find him doing something bad to the point of fabricating incidences.  She “idealizes” S17 I think is the term. 

Finally he picks up.  He’s out front playing basketball and I hear him.  As I walk out the door he is screaming, “I F’ING hate her!  She’s F’ING crazy!  I’m not living there anymore, I don’t want to be there.”  He’s got a temper and he was enraged, and then crying.  Took awhile to settle him down.

I just let him go on for awhile and some of what he says is enlightening.  Claims he now can’t take mom’s bf who is now, “brainwashed by mom,” and is just like mom now.  Claims he gets yelled at all the time.  Been accused of taking $20 from mom’s wallet – mother says to him, “S17 told me he saw you twice taking money from my purse.”  There is a lighter by the grill, mother had told me she had found “a lighter” and this was suspect of S15.  Now I get the story from S15 – it was a lighter laying next to the grill used to light the grill.  Tells me how she doesn’t help him with schoolwork, that she would get up and leave the table because he “didn’t know the material.”  S15 shows me a few texts from mother,  how she doesn’t like lying…….”I have failed as a parent.  I hope you have a good life….blah, blah,” mother playing the victim with her own child.

Later the bf calls for S15.  Tells him if he quits football he will “wish he was at football” indicating that they would make his life miserable at mom’s house.  Tells him he can’t be trusted with his friends, etc.  Mother had also said to me in a text that if he doesn’t go to football “he needs to quit.”  I said he needs to go to football, nobody should be talking about quitting.

So I ask why he wants to get out of practices.  This was the first full week of practices and it’s a full schedule of 5 days.  He goes on to tell me that “I don’t like it that much to go every day.”  Nobody had bothered to ask him how he was feeling, what was making him not want to go to practice.  I asked if there were any kids giving him issues, etc.  did hear an “I don’t really like the coach.”       

About 5yrs ago I started to see the effects.  That S15 was getting in a habit of making excuses or stopping an activity because it got too hard, or didn’t like a coach, etc etc.  First wrestling, done, then baseball, done.  He’s holding onto football.  A lot of times when with his mother he would object to going to a practice, mom wouldn’t force him, and he got his way, no practice.  Then I would have him the next practice, he would object, and I would say no, you’re going to practice.  Eventually the habits at mother’s would take over. 

I had the conversation about telling the truth, that things would have been different if he just said he was getting burned out on football.  He said, “do you really think I could talk to mom like that?”  I said, I’m talking about me, talk to me.

Fortunately S15 is with me the next two weekends. 

[scraps66]

I think this is what’s going on. This is a long vent.

This is an exNPDBPDw since 2012.  We have a S15 and S17.  Mother is one that has tremendous neediness and fears of abandonment.  So she “created” S17 by saying “I forgot to take my birth control.”  Situation with S15 is similar, unplanned.  At least for me.  In her mind she would birth children and create her own lifelong advocates.  Significant alienation with S17, enmeshment, and parentification. 50/50 custody.

S17 has had behavioral issues since kindergarten.  Some of which I only heard about from acquaintances, not from mother.  Many suspensions, probation for taking a knife to school, and then the pandemic hit and things got really difficult.  Started with a girlfriend, they started smoking marijuana, staying out all night, then S17 was caught selling vaping pens – I was finding rolls of cash in his backpack.  The marijuana continued.  He had a job, lost a job, had a job, lost a job.

In all cases mother either makes excuses for S17, or, may appear to have good parental intentions, but allows the child to get his way.  Example, the last two years S17 was spending less and less time with me.  She would “send” him to me, to walk the 1.5 miles from her house to my house.  “S17 just left the house and I sent him to your house, told him to go straight to your house.”  Everybody involved knows that S17 does not do as he’s told, so he doesn’t show up.  This happened many times.  The money, I had a roll of $250 from his bag.  Told mom and the bf about it, she began to ask me about the money.  Can I have that money?  There was a fabricated scenario created by S17 that he had to pay his “source” for product or they were going to beat him up.  At the time we (including mom) all said, hey, we don’t know if this source is true so if he doesn’t have the money maybe S17 will stay away from the kid.  Well, I gave the money to the bf, then eventually found that mother gave the money to S17.  So in front of everybody she appeared like she was doing the right thing, but when nobody else was around she was appeasing S17.

So this school year starts, and within one week S17 is “I’m not going to school today.”  At this point S17 is 100% with mother.  This pattern of attendance continues today.  And mother, a teacher, has tried nothing to address the truancy issue.  Mother’s unsustainable parenting tactics have now come full circle and even she can’t motivate S17 to go to school.   

Now S15.  Luckily he did not spend as much time around mother since the divorce started in his infancy.  Always been a sporty kid, very active with several sports.  A decent student but no where near as high-IQ as S17.  Fortunately he was always so busy that he didn’t have time to get into trouble.  However, mother does use some of the same tactics to motivate S15.  The reward approach, “Honey, they need a goalie for lacrosse today, if you play goal today I’ll buy those $100 cleats you wanted.”  “Look at this $800 phone I got you.”  She pampers him.  Her and bf would openly criticize an official if a call was made against S15.

Through the S17 issues of the last two years, mother has switched to accusing S15 of doing what S17 was doing.  Marijuana, without provocation she would accuse S15 of smoking marijuana.  His grades are dropping and he’s not doing homework or tries getting out of it all the time. Bad habits.  So some time goes on, now present day, and S15 and a buddy are caught vaping two weeks ago.  S15 was skipping football practices and hanging out with a bad crowd. 

So last night things came to a head.  He wasn’t at football practice.  Three people involved, me, mother and coach, each given a different story.  The story to coach was that I had tested positive for covid and S15 didn’t want to risk being with the team.  Now, yesterday he was with me, and mother seemed to be digging deep to determine S15s whereabouts during practice.  He was with me.  Mother was calling other parents, etc.  Mother is texting me, and trying to call S15.  She’s offended that he’s not answering HER calls.     

Through this period of time it appears she is trying to portray S15 to be as bad as S17.  Trying very hard to find him doing something bad to the point of fabricating incidences.  She “idealizes” S17 I think is the term. 

Finally he picks up.  He’s out front playing basketball and I hear him.  As I walk out the door he is screaming, “I F’ING hate her!  She’s F’ING crazy!  I’m not living there anymore, I don’t want to be there.”  He’s got a temper and he was enraged, and then crying.  Took awhile to settle him down.

I just let him go on for awhile and some of what he says is enlightening.  Claims he now can’t take mom’s bf who is now, “brainwashed by mom,” and is just like mom now.  Claims he gets yelled at all the time.  Been accused of taking $20 from mom’s wallet – mother says to him, “S17 told me he saw you twice taking money from my purse.”  There is a lighter by the grill, mother had told me she had found “a lighter” and this was suspect of S15.  Now I get the story from S15 – it was a lighter laying next to the grill used to light the grill.  Tells me how she doesn’t help him with schoolwork, that she would get up and leave the table because he “didn’t know the material.”  S15 shows me a few texts from mother,  how she doesn’t like lying…….”I have failed as a parent.  I hope you have a good life….blah, blah,” mother playing the victim with her own child.

Later the bf calls for S15.  Tells him if he quits football he will “wish he was at football” indicating that they would make his life miserable at mom’s house.  Tells him he can’t be trusted with his friends, etc.  Mother had also said to me in a text that if he doesn’t go to football “he needs to quit.”  I said he needs to go to football, nobody should be talking about quitting.

So I ask why he wants to get out of practices.  This was the first full week of practices and it’s a full schedule of 5 days.  He goes on to tell me that “I don’t like it that much to go every day.”  Nobody had bothered to ask him how he was feeling, what was making him not want to go to practice.  I asked if there were any kids giving him issues, etc.  did hear an “I don’t really like the coach.”       

About 5yrs ago I started to see the effects.  That S15 was getting in a habit of making excuses or stopping an activity because it got too hard, or didn’t like a coach, etc etc.  First wrestling, done, then baseball, done.  He’s holding onto football.  A lot of times when with his mother he would object to going to a practice, mom wouldn’t force him, and he got his way, no practice.  Then I would have him the next practice, he would object, and I would say no, you’re going to practice.  Eventually the habits at mother’s would take over. 

I had the conversation about telling the truth, that things would have been different if he just said he was getting burned out on football.  He said, “do you really think I could talk to mom like that?”  I said, I’m talking about me, talk to me.

Fortunately S15 is with me the next two weekends. 

[ForeverDad]

I've been away for a few weeks, but didn't I suggest this may be an opportunity for you to start getting more time with your younger son?  Within 2-3 years he will be an adult, aged out of family court orders.  Some courts are inclined to allow older teens to "vote with their feet".  If mother sends him over, agree and document that if it later comes up in court.  If he doesn't want to go back, then don't force him to return (to comply with the official schedule) if he's doing better at your home.