Do I divorce? Wife has BPD characteristics…

[SenorPlaya]

Hi there - this is my first post. Brace yourselves, it’s a long one!

My wife has been demonstrating BPD characteristics for the last few months. We have been married for 8 months (rushed for visa reasons) and dated long distance for a year before that. We don’t have kids or any material assets together.

I am a victim of childhood sexual abuse and have been in therapy for the last few months. I have made big strides since then, learning a huge amount about myself and the type of person I attract. My Wife was the first person I told about my trauma after hiding it for over 15 years (we are both 30 years old), knowing that I needed to share this part of my self if the relationship was to grow.

Since my own therapy journey started, I’ve recognized that my Wife’s behavior is not actually to be expected in a relationship. There are weekly mood swings, questioning my love for her and my desire to share, saying I have been mentally abusing her for months, questioning if I cheated on her (I haven’t), saying that she thinks I am trying to hurt her, saying I shared my trauma only to release the burden and then I’ll leave her. After the lows, the highs are electric. I was addicted to those highs, they kept me going, and now I realize I don’t want them if the lows are so low. I know now that these are BPD signs.

Things came to a head this week, when my Wife got so angry with almost no provocation (I kept calm and never raised my voice) that she punched me twice on the arm/shoulder. The words which prompted the punch were me saying: ‘I sense that you’re trying to push me away.’ She then tried to justify it by saying I have been mentally abusing her. I was not physically hurt, yet it was enough for 3 police officers to approach us and ask if everything is OK.

My Wife was emotionally neglected/abused as a child by parents who left her alone in the car on multiple occasions, left her unattended at a resort aged 2, criticized her constantly and didn’t allow her to express her feelings. She was bulimic as a teenager.

She has just started talking therapy after seeing the positive impact of my own therapy. However, she has no idea that she may have BPD, no idea where her general anger comes from (but does understand why she has the right to be angry at her parents). She doesn’t know why she thinks I want to hurt her. No attempt to diagnose, or medication. I have considered suggesting that she get evaluated, but believe this would not be received well or be helpful.

My own mental health has suffered enormously. I started therapy for my trauma, but almost always talk solely about my relationship. I have always forgiven and seen seeds of progress, yet now it seems that elusive recovery is way off. I recognize my own codependency traits, which I am working on.

I am almost certain in my mind that I will file for divorce. The reason I post is to address that small doubt: in your experiences, is it realistic to wait for/expect change? Or is my own suffering enough to call it a day?

[Turkish]

SeñorPlaya,

Was this the first incidence of violence, or have their been others, even if not directed towards you? Like throwing or breaking things?

How did the police intervention end smoothly? That must have been shocking.

T

[SenorPlaya]

Hi T - thanks for replying.

First incident of physical violence towards me. There have been things thrown before, including leading up to the hitting.

We were in Mexico so I was able to deal with the police so they wouldn't take us both to the station. She calmed down too.

It's desperately sad because I know she doesn't want to do this.

General update is that I will file for divorce. I need to work on myself and my own codependency and I won't be able to do that in this relationship. A period of grief, solitude and self-work awaits.

[alterK]

Suggest you read "Splitting," by Bill Eddy. He's a social worker and a lawyer. It's here on the website: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=47078.0.

Since there aren't kids involved and perhaps not much property, you may not have a lot to fight over. However, with someone with a personality disorder things can get complicated, and you may be at risk in ways you haven't anticipated. Best to try to prepare, rather than be surprised.

[livednlearned]

I am almost certain in my mind that I will file for divorce. The reason I post is to address that small doubt: in your experiences, is it realistic to wait for/expect change? Or is my own suffering enough to call it a day?

It is admirable how you are addressing what happened 15 years ago and reaching inside to help heal your trauma. It takes a lot of courage. With this courage will come other changes, including a determination to protect yourself. Your own suffering is always meaningful and you are always worth protecting.

It takes strength to be in a BPD relationship and not be emotionally injured. 

Imagine a cup that is more or less full, the amount changing each morning and throughout the day. Sometimes it is not full and so you have to do what you can to fill it. When it's full, you may be able to manage more with her. When it is empty, you will want to focus on what you need and put those needs first.

There are specific skills that are not intuitive and must be learned if you want to be successful in a BPD relationship, and they do involve a lot of growth. At the end of the day, there is no right or wrong answer because it comes down to how well you tend to your cup.

Without that, she will barrel through your boundaries because she will struggle to distinguish between who you are and who she is, and those boundaries are essential to a healthy relationship.

We're here to walk with you, whichever direction you choose.