Affair recovery when my wife doesn't want to help heal the wounds she caused?

[LuciansDaddy]

My wife has had many emotional affairs and at least 1 sexual affair that I know of for certain. I have read several books on affair recovery and my wife is unwilling to do the things that I feel like I need to rebuild trust; things like opening windows of transparency into phone records, text messages, and social media, sharing our phone locations with each other, putting up walls with other men (e.g. not complaining about our relationship to them), and other preventative measures to avoid friendships slipping into dangerous intimate territory. Instead she just insists that we look forward and stop dwelling on the past and thinks that the fact that she is still in the relationship should be all the assurance I need. She says that I should focus on myself and not everyone else when my hypervigilance is triggered, and that these lingering unresolved insecurities are things that I need to work out with my therapist instead of "being controlling" and "smothering her." She says my reactions are crazy when I know that my reactions are perfectly normal for betrayed partners to have.

I have recently come to realize that I wasn't really giving our relationship 100% because of these unresolved trust, transparency, and boundary issues. Which in turn feeds into my wife's feelings that I don't care and she goes seeking attention from other men. It's been a negative cycle and source of varying degrees of betrayal and upheaval since her first affair 4 years ago. Most recently she was seeking attention online and talking on the phone to another man. The catalyst was that I had been working long hours and sleeping in on the weekends. She has cut contact with the guy she was being inappropriate with on the phone, but she wants to separate again now, and I strongly suspect an affair with someone else she met recently who lives locally. I think a lot of her reasons for wanting to separate ultimately stem from my maladaptive behavior because of my unresolved trust issues stemming from her infidelity, but I don't know how to break the cycle.

Has anyone had any success in bringing up these kinds of requests in such a way that they were heard and addressed?

Is there any way that I can minimize the amount of shame elicited in my wife when trying to get her help in healing wounds she caused?

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RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[formflier]

She says my reactions are crazy when I know that my reactions are perfectly normal for betrayed partners to have.
 

Has anyone had any success in bringing up these kinds of requests in such a way that they were heard and addressed?

Is there any way that I can minimize the amount of shame elicited in my wife when trying to get her help in healing wounds she caused?

Ugg...I am so sorry you are dealing with this. 


We certainly can help you rephrase your messages.   However, I would NOT advise you to think that would be much help.

Do you see how in her response that she is essentially saying "you are the crazy one".  I don't see anything where she "sees her part"...

If you want to do some "he said she said", we can likely give you some coaching on "better ways".

Looking forward to your reply.

Best,

FF

[Cat Familiar]

It sounds like you need her acknowledgment and acceptance of culpability for the healing of your relationship. That’s completely normal in circumstances such as yours.

And it appears that your wife is dead set against being accountable.

Have you researched any therapists in your area who are familiar with treating BPD?

It’s a very problematic issue, as you know, since BPD is such a shame based disorder and those with it are extremely reluctant to address their misbehaviors.

If she is unwilling to acknowledge the hurt her behavior has caused, how do you imagine the future?