Ready to flee from the law with my BPD child

[psalm139]

I am a broken-hearted dad of a precious daughter, 26 years of age, that suffers with BPD. She is in Texas, no family.  Her mother and I are in California, as his her sister, and her grandparents.  My daughter is facing prison time because she was given a DUI recently (which honestly is questionable as she requested the breath test, but none was available, so it was based on the field sobriety test, of a girl with a near broken toe).  What complicates matters is that she was charged for possesion of heroin in 2020 and is currently on probation. The hospital staff notified the police that my daughter had used heroin.  What they don't know is that my daughter first used heroin as a "painless" way to take her life when she was 16, and then subsequently, became an addict. Thank God that she didn't overdose.  But then she tried again in 2018, and then again in 2020, but not as an attempt at suicide, but rathe because she was experiencing severe depression, living temporary in a motel, and had just lost a man she had fallen deeply in love with. She does not deserve prison time, she needs help, not punishment!  She is clean now, has to take random drug tests, but the matter of the fact remains.  She has a mental illness.  And what do we do when we are mentally ill? We escape.  And as her, I have escaped via the use of drugs (nothing harder than MJ) and drinking, but have been able to somewhat manage my life.

Concerning myself, I worked as a professional engineer for nearly 30 years, but that was full of ups and downs.  In the last 10 years, however, it was exceptionally difficult with following work from state to state, losing jobs, leaving jobs, until finally in early 2019, having to retire early because my mental illness could no longer hide itself in work.  I was fortunate that I was able to hold down a job for as many years as I did, but life outside of work was full of pain.

Not surprisingly, from reading about the disease, I remain depressed.  In looking back at my life, I experienced anxiety/depression, was diagnosed with ADHD, and realize that many of my symptoms were that of somebody diagnosed with BPD, yet not as severe. I have contemplated suicide many times, actually went as far as taking the actions, but never actally attempting it.  The thoughts towards my family were too strong of a hindrance.  

Nonetheless, I have said things to her in anger that I wish I hadn't. I have been impulsive.  I have written things to her which I wish I could take back.  All in anger, impulsive, and simply not giving a damn. My daughter and I are enmeshed in each other.  What she feels, I feel, and vice-versa.  Neither one of us can find peace because our love for each other is great.  Today, on the phone, she was crying and distraught.  She asked why does she have to have this disease.  She asked me why I said certain things in the past, that it makes her feel all that much more guilty, that her disease is to be blamed for my depression.  I have told her that I was mentally ill long before she was born.  But the mind of somebody with BPD won't grasp it because it rings to them as untrue.  And then she told me today, that at times she hears beeps like an EKG, and then nothing, as though she is dead inside.  This is breaking my heart.  I am tempted to drive to Texas, and remove her from the state. To hide her in California.  Heck ... to leave this country if need be. Or, more practically ... move myself to Texas to be near her.  Hold on to a long distance marriage with my wife in hopes that I can alleviate my daughter's pain and provide some comfort that she does have family close.

As of now, if anything, and thank God that she believes in Christ, I will continually try to impress Psalms 139 on her, specifically 13-16.  Ie, "You made all the delicate, inner parts of my body and knit me together in my mother’s womb. Thank you for making me so wonderfully complex! Your workmanship is marvelous—how well I know it. You watched me as I was being formed in utter seclusion, as I was woven together in the dark of the womb.You saw me before I was born. Every day of my life was recorded in your book. Every moment was laid out before a single day had passed." My daughter "needs" to understand that God could had healed either one of us of "bad" genes at conception.  But He didn't (see Romans 8:28 and Jeremiah 29:11).  And that, in of itself, should provide the "why" as to accepting the challenge of BPD.  That we much embrace it, beat it, have a testimony, and finally, helping others.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Swimmy55]

Hi Psalm.
 I truly feel your pain. There are a few of us here that have and would give up our lives for our adult BPD kids.  The heartbreaking truth is , it does not work.  You will only get more embroiled in mess .  I  helped my adult son to the point where he was using hard drugs and destroyed parts of my house.  Thank goodness it was not me he destroyed, but who knows if that could have been next?  I felt sick and guilty over it , but we cannot protect  these kids of ours from reality.  You do realize that taking your daughter to another state would be crime on your part, right?  Your getting into illegal trouble will do you or her any favors. Please , please take care of you first.  Protecting your daughter , at best, will show her she is immune to consequences because her parent is taking the brunt for her.  Help her by helping you first.  Write back as often as you are able.  You are not alone on this hellish journey with your adult child.

[By Still Water]

Hello Psalm 139,
       We've an adult son w/BPD (estranged, his choice). From your post, it seems you and your daughter still have a rapport; that's a huge plus, considering this illness. As you have mentioned your faith, I'll share that I've been recently intrigued by the work of Jodie Berendt who has written Praying the Scriptures for Your Adult Children. I plan to practice this more, with more specific prayers. Even for parents of adult kids, without the illness, it's a phase of life no one really educates others on; there're plenty of parenting books for raising them, though, conversely. I meditate on Psalm 34: 18...He is near to the brokenhearted. Also, Isaiah 61:3. I do better to remember He wants to give us beauty instead of ashes, gladness instead of mourning, praise instead of despair. In our children's "pits," change and growth can happen - as opposed to when they're on their mountaintops of comforts. Hearts are with you, here.