Mother's Day

[mitten]

Mother's Day is fast approaching and it's time to make plans.  My uBPDw and I have 2 young children so obviously it should be a big day for my wife.  But I also have an elderly mother who lives in town who my sister is taking to lunch on Mother's Day and we're invited.  My wife's mother died years ago. 

Should I let my wife have Mother's Day and do something with my Mother maybe the day before?   I haven't discussed plans this year with my wife but obviously her ideal Mother's Day PROBABLY doesn't include seeing her in-laws, but she is my mother and grandmother to our children after-all.  Any thoughts?  I'm torn.   

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[Cat Familiar]

I think celebrating with your mother the day before is an excellent idea.

That way you could take her to lunch and the restaurants won’t be as crowded and she could have two celebrations with her children!

[FirstSteps]

Finally something I've navigated smoothly over the years!

I agree that this is a good idea.  I actually started taking my mother out to lunch mid-week.  But I made it nice, bought a nice gift and so on.  My wife didn't even want to celebrate Mother's Day most years - until recently - so we'd literally do nothing.  Still, it all worked out.

[15years]

Have you told your wife that you're invited? How did you celebrate last year?

[mitten]

Have you told your wife that you're invited? How did you celebrate last year?

I have not told my wife yet that we're invited.  I wanted to form a game plan here first. ;).

Usually we have celebrated my mom on Mother's Day, but 2020 we didn't because of COVID and last year we did it on Saturday because I was trying not to trigger my wife.  But part of me wonders if that's the right thing to do since my mom is elderly and won't be around forever. 

[15years]

I have started to compromise more and more like this too and I'm not sure it feels that great to miss out on social events.

My wife would rather just be at home on mother's day, even though her mom is alive and we meet them about once or twice a month. I love meeting her family and want to avoid just being at home.


What would mother's day look like in your case if you don't go to the lunch?

[Notwendy]

How does your wife feel about going to lunch with your mother and sister in general? Do they get along? How do your mother and sister feel about your wife? I am thinking of the possible dynamics if you all go together or you just go with the kids on another day besides Mother's Day?

I know what would work better if it was my parents' family but yours may be different. My BPD mother dislikes my father's family and so a lunch on Mother's Day with them would likely be a stressful situation.

The best solution for this situation would be to discuss planning lunch with sister for Saturday and just you and the kids go. Your wife can choose to come as well, or have the time to herself. It's important that she knows she's invited but also has the choice.

Mother's Day would then be spent with just your family and be about your wife.

It's win -win as your Mother gets to be with her family together that weekend. Restaurants will be less crowded- which is also a plus as it's less of a Covid risk. I think for your mother- it's about spending time with her kids and grandkids more than what day it is. Your wife may also prefer this plan.

[mitten]

If my mom was alone with my dad on Mother's Day I think that could be somewhat sad... but luckily my sister and her husband/kids will take her out so it's covered. 

I would like to flip this though and think about this- imagine my two young boys don't want to take my uBPDw out for Mother's Day when they are married adults with kids of their own.  Wonder how my uBPDw would react to spending Mother's Day without her kids?

[Notwendy]

I think each family is different. If taking her out Saturday would result in her feeling alone on Mother's Day- ( as the exact day would matter to her) then it' best to leave your sisters plans for that day as they are ( and not suggest Saturday for all of you ). You can then see her on Saturday if your wife doesn't want to go to lunch on Sunday. I think you should let her know she's invited on Sunday so she has a choice to attend or not.

As to flipping this around- what would your boys do when they are older? I think it's hard to predict all the circumstances with this. It's possible they may live too far away to visit for this particular weekend.
What if they attend a college far away? They could have homework due on Monday and class and may not have enough time off to travel. It's possible their partners won't get along with your mother ( as this can become a triangle for some families ) and they could wonder what to do. Understandably, it may be hard for your wife if they don't visit but they may also be in a situation where a short visit is not practical or they need to spend that day with their own families. In addition, how your wife behaves with them over the years as they grow into adulthood will influence their relationship.

It can be different for different families. I think it makes more sense to focus on the relationships and situation, and your choices for this coming Mother's Day.

[Notwendy]

I understand the idea of role modeling though.  Perhaps the best choice for you is to do lunch with your mother on Saturday. Bring the boys. Give your wife the choice to join you or not. Then Sunday can be her day. This way you are able to do something special for each of them.

[mitten]

I understand the idea of role modeling though.  Perhaps the best choice for you is to do lunch with your mother on Saturday. Bring the boys. Give your wife the choice to join you or not. Then Sunday can be her day. This way you are able to do something special for each of them.

In regards to me "flipping the situation" to when our boys are older and Mother's Day... I wasn't actually thinking about it as role modeling for my boys, which maybe I should be.  I was thinking about it more from the fact that I know my uBPDw would be crushed if they didn't spend Mother's Day with her when they're adults (I mean I'm predicting this at least given what I know about her). 

I think everyone here is right in that it probably makes sense to do something with my mother on Saturday.  I will include my wife because if I don't there will be BPD rath to pay. (She will feel left out like we don't want her there... even though I know she'd rather be doing 1000 other things).

[15years]

What would you do on mother's day if you focus on your wife the whole day? Does she expect you to put in an effort to make her feel special?

[mitten]

What would you do on mother's day if you focus on your wife the whole day? Does she expect you to put in an effort to make her feel special?

Yeah, I think she would expect something super special or else there would be bitterness.  I would probably get her some pastries and do breakfast in bed and then maybe a nice lunch.  Perhaps a massage appointment for her.  I really have no idea what a typical dad would do for his wife...

[Notwendy]

What did you do the other Mother's Days?

[15years]

I'm nervous before every gift occasion but now I've realized it's not necessary to over think it. Your plan sounds good.

Last year I did hotel breakfast style at home which was a success.

[mitten]

What did you do the other Mother's Days?

Similar things- try to make her feel special and appreciated.  But with BPD, it's hard to know what they will like... will they be offended if I try to give her an afternoon to relax and take the kids somewhere...if I don't get a gift is that okay, or is the gift I give going to trigger something negative...I guess there is really no way to know! 

[thankful person]

But with BPD, it's hard to know what they will like... will they be offended if I try to give her an afternoon to relax and take the kids somewhere...if I don't get a gift is that okay, or is the gift I give going to trigger something negative...I guess there is really no way to know! 

I think pwbpd can always find a reason to be offended or upset, call you selfish or thoughtless or whatever, no matter what you do or get for them. Somehow most recently I have managed to portray a non-aggressive “like it or lump it” mentality. A trick I learnt in my work with children, is not to act stressed/upset/worried/nervous etc. even if you are. The effects of my different behaviour towards my wife have been astounding. I no longer say, “I really hope you like this, I know it’s a bit of a gamble, I’ve been so worried you wouldn’t like it… blah blah” I’m just like, “there you go, Happy Christmas” or whatever… After eight years of being blamed for many gifts not being good enough or the wrong thing, or not what she wanted or whatever, it’s like I’ve unlocked some secret code where if I don’t apologise in advance then she doesn’t complain about it. I hope so anyway .

[15years]

My wife actually explained her feelings quite well last year's birthday. She was angry about the gifts just being random things without background, I told her I'm sorry and offered to go change one certain gift she complained about to something else. This made her even angrier, that I wanted to take away her gift and that I thought so little of the gift.

Later she explained that she needs to believe that a gift is exactly what I want to give her. She would have liked me to respond:
"I wanted to give you this gift."
Rather than:
"I just bought something, I was nervous about what to give you."

The latter paints them into a villian which we all know they hate.

I think thankfulperson is right, accepting that they might not like the gift, kind of the  "whatever" attitude, but add to that your own conviction that you did good.

[FirstSteps]

Oh, I am the master of the "pre-apology" or explanation.  Really good advice.  This is really good for me to think about, as I'm already building up to my wife's birthday, which is 2 months away but has turned into the darkest day of the year.  Which is really sad. 

[mitten]

Anyone else getting anxiety that Mother's Day is fast approaching and you have to make it a special day... or else...  Well, I have to go pre-order some special pastries from a boutique vegan shop before they sell out... better book that massage too. 

[FirstSteps]

This notification gave me a jolt of adrenaline.  It's not so much the stuff or the events, but it is about balancing the scheduling between mother and wife.  Ugh - turns into a whole week of stress.  And you can imagine what I get for Father's Day - a "suggested" family activity at best.  Though to be fair - I stopped even asking or suggesting I had a preference years and years ago.  Gotta own that.