2 years out

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Hi all,
  I was hoping someone could help me with some feelings I’ve been going though lately. It’s been two years since I broke up with my exwBPD. I’ve healed for the most part but I still think about her and struggle every once in a while. The discard did a job on me. We’d been together for about a year when my ex’s mother suggested (while we were all eating dinner) that she meet this “genius” person her mom has just met. I trusted my ex and her mother. At the time my ex lived with her parents in a senior community. My ex stayed over at my place one last time and then called me to say she wanted to break up. She ended up moving in with her new supply two weeks after we broke up. He posted photos of them together and her mother even wrote on his Facebook page, cheering them on. Needless to say, I was devastated. I trusted my ex and her family and never expected they would do this. The discard was horrible- I was blamed for everything wrong with the relationship. It was really cruel. I was replaced and discarded like a piece of trash.

My life went downhill after that. I lost my job and was hospitalized for suicidal thinking. I had ECT treatments. When I described my ex to my therapist and my psychiatrist, they both suggested that my ex most likely had BPD. Thing is, I never got a charm. I was always the one who reached out. She just shut me out completely. . The guy turned out to be geneticist and my ex called me over Xmas to say she got engaged ( she’s since been blocked) Their relationship has lasted over twice as long as ours had and I’ve been left with feelings of inadequacy. When she left she said, “I had to be selfish.”  She was so dysfunctional- I have no idea how things have worked.. My friends and family tell me I dodged a huge bullet and I wouldn’t take her back if she asked me but I keep thinking about her. I truly miss her but I can’t understand why, since she did and said such awful things to me in the end. When does this heartache stop? It’s been two years and I’ve had a ton of therapy. I wish I could wipe
away my memory of her.
 Thank you for listening.

[SBBayArea]

Hi all,
  I was hoping someone could help me with some feelings I’ve been going though lately. It’s been two years since I broke up with my exwBPD. I’ve healed for the most part but I still think about her and struggle every once in a while. The discard did a job on me. We’d been together for about a year when my ex’s mother suggested (while we were all eating dinner) that she meet this “genius” person her mom has just met. I trusted my ex and her mother. At the time my ex lived with her parents in a senior community. My ex stayed over at my place one last time and then called me to say she wanted to break up. She ended up moving in with her new supply two weeks after we broke up. He posted photos of them together and her mother even wrote on his Facebook page, cheering them on. Needless to say, I was devastated. I trusted my ex and her family and never expected they would do this. The discard was horrible- I was blamed for everything wrong with the relationship. It was really cruel. I was replaced and discarded like a piece of trash.

My life went downhill after that. I lost my job and was hospitalized for suicidal thinking. I had ECT treatments. When I described my ex to my therapist and my psychiatrist, they both suggested that my ex most likely had BPD. Thing is, I never got a charm. I was always the one who reached out. She just shut me out completely. . The guy turned out to be geneticist and my ex called me over Xmas to say she got engaged ( she’s since been blocked) Their relationship has lasted over twice as long as ours had and I’ve been left with feelings of inadequacy. When she left she said, “I had to be selfish.”  She was so dysfunctional- I have no idea how things have worked.. My friends and family tell me I dodged a huge bullet and I wouldn’t take her back if she asked me but I keep thinking about her. I truly miss her but I can’t understand why, since she did and said such awful things to me in the end. When does this heartache stop? It’s been two years and I’ve had a ton of therapy. I wish I could wipe
away my memory of her.
 Thank you for listening.

[2020]

Hello there. I don’t know if I can help, but I just wanted you to know that I read your message and can feel your pain. I am very sorry to read your story. It is not dissimilar to my own or indeed many others here. I am at the two week mark currently; not two years. Your voice is one from the future. I expect my road ahead to be difficult too.

I think sending you a message that she is engaged is very thoughtless and hurtful. Did she really think you would be happy to hear that? What really does go on in their minds?

I want you to know that I really get the feeling of being kind and loving towards these people with bpd, only to be thrown in the garbage and slandered to their families and friends. That is what is likely happening to me currently. And yes, it hurts.

But part of me is trying to frame this differently, in order to cope. What is the point of being the only adult in the relationship; the only partner who goes to an effort? And only to get abused, mocked, not trusted, etc.

Imagine this: Imagine if we found a partner who had also put in a huge effort in a relationship, but to no avail? Someone who understood our predicament through their own lived experience. Or imagine meeting somebody who appreciated and reciprocated our love? These lessons we have learnt are not necessarily in vain. We become empathetic and better listeners. We learn to validate others. You and I may not be able to see it right now, but there is a better life awaiting us. We just have to be open to it and patient. I would hazard a guess that in two years time, you will be in a better place than you are now. Please take care of yourself. You deserve a loving partner and you will get that eventually. And hopefully so will I.

[NotAHero]

Hi all,
  I was hoping someone could help me with some feelings I’ve been going though lately. It’s been two years since I broke up with my exwBPD. I’ve healed for the most part but I still think about her and struggle every once in a while. The discard did a job on me. We’d been together for about a year when my ex’s mother suggested (while we were all eating dinner) that she meet this “genius” person her mom has just met. I trusted my ex and her mother. At the time my ex lived with her parents in a senior community. My ex stayed over at my place one last time and then called me to say she wanted to break up. She ended up moving in with her new supply two weeks after we broke up. He posted photos of them together and her mother even wrote on his Facebook page, cheering them on. Needless to say, I was devastated. I trusted my ex and her family and never expected they would do this. The discard was horrible- I was blamed for everything wrong with the relationship. It was really cruel. I was replaced and discarded like a piece of trash.

My life went downhill after that. I lost my job and was hospitalized for suicidal thinking. I had ECT treatments. When I described my ex to my therapist and my psychiatrist, they both suggested that my ex most likely had BPD. Thing is, I never got a charm. I was always the one who reached out. She just shut me out completely. . The guy turned out to be geneticist and my ex called me over Xmas to say she got engaged ( she’s since been blocked) Their relationship has lasted over twice as long as ours had and I’ve been left with feelings of inadequacy. When she left she said, “I had to be selfish.”  She was so dysfunctional- I have no idea how things have worked.. My friends and family tell me I dodged a huge bullet and I wouldn’t take her back if she asked me but I keep thinking about her. I truly miss her but I can’t understand why, since she did and said such awful things to me in the end. When does this heartache stop? It’s been two years and I’ve had a ton of therapy. I wish I could wipe
away my memory of her.
 Thank you for listening.

 I’m sorry this happened to you. Please read my post here “the most helpful words I read about BPD discard” it helped me a lot. I hope you find it helpful as well.

[Rev]

Hey SSB,

This kind of relapse happened to me. I'm approaching three years out. My divorce was really rough.

And, like you, at about two years, stuff started to come back and I would shame spiral. I would feel it in my gut.  Someone wrote to me that this is not uncommon. It there's a term for it even that I can't seem to recall right now. But I'll keep thinking about it. Also, if it's okay, I will reach out to a person here who really helped me and have her contact you?

Finally, I'll take some time to read this again and get back to you?  I think that this rough patch will provide you with a stronger foundation for the future. Year three for me has been alot better. AND I can tell you that I still feel anxiety around the relationship - only that the suffering is far, far less and I am in a wonderful relationship.

Thanks for reaching out. 

Hang in there.

Rev

[Rev]

Hah - just like that I remember!

The term is "stuck".  It's a sign that the memory of her is triggering something deeper in you - the piece that she hooked into in the first place that fueled a relationship that, maybe in your case, evolves where a lot of red flags are being ignored.

[SBBayArea]

These are such kind and thoughtful responses. I truly loved her from the bottom of my heart. I suppose we weren’t good for each other but all her problems were with me, not the other way around. I was way too understanding - likely from a rescuer background. I grew up with a narcissistic father who did a lot of damage to my self esteem. So you can imagine what it was like to have a beautiful woman infatuated with me. But slowly that eroded away. I had started to drink a few beers when we were together - not much, maybe two or three -  but it really upset her for some reason. She seemed to think I was violence prone but I have never been accused of that before. I was under a lot of stress at the time due to an abusive boss at work. But instead of feeling supported, I was blamed for it.  A lot of that still stays with me.

I think this is hardest thing I’ve ever been through because the trauma of it hasn’t gone away. I haven’t dated anyone since her - I tried but no one really compared to her in my mind. Maybe it was the trauma bond. To have her now engaged just breaks me up. It was like the worst case scenario. When I was having my ECT treatments, I broke NC and called her. ECT makes your mind very childlike when you’re going through it and you tend to be very trusting of people. I told her I loved her and she said she loved me and if she was going out with anyone else, she would leave them in a second to be with me. This is right after she came back from a trip and gotten engaged.

I would love to speak with anyone you all could put me in touch with. I wish I had never met my ex. She brought much more pain into my life than she ever did love. Even though she said she loved me, I don’t believe her. I think at a point, she did in a way but I’m not sure she understands what it means. Her new supply is head over heels. Funny, just the way I felt, but our honeymoon phase was much shorter. But who knows?

[brighter future]

Hello SB,

I wanted to drop you a quick line and let you know that I am thinking about you. Like you, my ex discarded me like a bag of trash two years ago earlier this month. When I landed at this forum two months after the discard in June 2022, you were one of the first members to reach out to me. Your words of encouragement meant a lot during one of the lowest points in my life. I appreciate that very much.

It's been a few days since you last posted. How are you feeling now? Much better I hope. Please give us an update when you have a chance.

[Woolspinner2000]

Hi SB, 

I'd like to join the others here and welcome you, although I'm sorry for the pain that brought you here. It's such stinky painful stuff. I haven't walked your same path but a parallel one, a 35 year marriage that I am now almost 2 years divorced from. It takes time to wade through the trauma that comes with dysfunction.

In reading your posts, a couple things stand out to me. I sense that you feel responsible or that you were told you are responsible for the problems. Did I pick that up correctly?  My ex was very skilled at the blame game, and I was great at believing his defining of me was true. I internalized it so deeply that I felt that I was the person he saw me as being. Yet somewhere inside me there was a tiny very quiet voice that said, "No, that wasn't me...or was it?" Confusion was a master at controlling me, and I believed it. T helped me to slowly dismantle the false words that defined me, and T also exposed that my belief system started long before my ex came into my life. It came from being raised by my uBPDm.

When we come from a place of dysfunction, that is our norm. No matter how understanding and kind you are/were in your relationship, the closer a dysfunctional person gets to kindness, the more they'll find that place to be unsteady, unfamiliar and causing them to panic and want to run away because to them goodness seems unhealthy. It's crazy, but when I struggled through T and worked at unpacking my childhood, so many times I wanted to run away when people were kind and good. It was far more comfortable to be surrounded with the dysfunction that I was used to and knew how to operate in. I didn't know or understand how to function in or receive goodness. Perhaps that's why your ex decided to leave, and really that had nothing to do with you, and yet maybe it did have to do with the goodness and strength she saw within you.

You are a survivor and resilient to have come through the things you did as a child and now in this too.

What do you think of the things I shared?

 
Wools

[SBBayArea]

Hi all,
 Brighter future - I do remember you. I'm feeling ok now. The main thing I'm dealing with is that my mind keeps repeating thoughts of my ex. I've been dealing with it for a long time and it still tortures me. The other thing is that my ex left me for a geneticist. When she left me she said, "I had to be selfish". I've struggled with the fact that they are still together after two and a half years and are engaged to be married. That my ex has gone on trips with this person while we only went on one while we were together and had a horrible time. That she was so dysfunctional with me - on our trip we were in an airbnb and I casually asked if we could get a hotel room instead and she dropped to the floor sobbing for no reason. I tried so hard to make it work and she projected so many false feelings onto me. I would never take her back if she returned. The spell is broken and I know it's all fake, but I struggle with not being good enough. I have my whole life. And to have someone all of a sudden tell you that you are good enough and then take that away was cruel and awful.
 
I hope you are doing better and are being kind to yourself. It's a tough road to go down - probably the hardest one I've ever gone down in my life - you can get through anything if you emerge through the other side

  

[SBBayArea]

Hi Wools,
  Yes, my ex was very controlling as well. I think that's maybe why , in the end, she left me, because she couldn't control me. Maybe she needed a super codependent person who she could manipulate. She actually said that to a friend of mine once "I like guys who I can control".  I did feel responsible for our problems - she made me feel very guilty about drinking in particular. I had a narcissistic boss at the time who would constantly berate me every day and I began to drink more to deal with the stress. Nothing crazy, two or three beers, but she made me feel awful about it. She even accused me of acting violent during her discard saying "I don't think you would ever hurt me but..." It made me sick to hear that and I have never in my life ever been accused of that. I thought, falsely, that my ex would be able to understand what I was going through and empathize because that's what a normal person does but it made her upset and then angry with me.
  As for the goodness, it's hard to say. I don't know what her current ex is like but he seems like a nice guy. She moved in with him two weeks after she broke up with me and they're engaged. But maybe because her mom approved of this person and introduced him to her. They have an enmeshed relationship with zero boundaries. I don't know. I get the sense that my ex saw me as a template of a man. She never took the time to get to know me. She said things to me that anyone who really knew me would never say. She was in love with an idea and when I didn't fit that idea anymore, I was tossed out like garbage never to be seen again.
  The one thing I did do, and this is due to my father being a narcissist and violent man when I was younger- is I established boundaries with my ex. When she acted out, I would tell her it hurt me. I wouldn't let her control me. And I've heard that for borderlines, this makes them go crazy because control is all they have in their world.

[judee]

Hi S,

I think this is not about her anymore, it is more about a feeling of unworthiness in you that she re-touched.
When she sent you that message ( which I agree is really hurtful and thoughtless) she reopened that wound again.
You are doing really well and as I read helped other people as well going through this.
Anyone would feel the same in your shoes getting that message.
Maybe feel the feelings, write the writings, have compassion for yourself in what you are feeling now and in the meantime keep walking, even if it is a slower for a bit. 

[SBBayArea]

Hi Judee,
   You're absolutely right. I'm trying so hard everyday to fight that feeling of feeling unwanted. I'm scarred. It's really hard for me to look at relationships in the same way after going through this. I just see people with agendas.  I guess in the end, I just miss the person in my head I once loved. I miss holding that person and looking into her eyes. I miss her smile. Hopefully, I can find that for real someday. Perhaps in some way, an external force kept us from continuing further and by doing so, protected me. I like to think that's true.

[Woolspinner2000]

Hi again SB,

Thank you for sharing your thoughts. I can tell that you hurt and that you feel stuck as Rev mentioned. You're struggling to find the key that will free you from her.

She never took the time to get to know me. She said things to me that anyone who really knew me would never say. She was in love with an idea...

Are you angry with her that she didn't get to know the real you, and if she had, do you think you'd still be together?

There's a lot of grieving underneath the pain of a relationship with a pwBPD. The peeling back of the layers within you that were scarred exposes more of what we may not want to look at. Do you find anything in the discard that reminds you of things that took place between you and your dad? You've mentioned how hard it was.

Take care,
Wools

[SBBayArea]

Hi Wools,
 Perhaps what I'm feeling is loneliness. I haven't dated anyone in a long while because I wanted to work on myself. I kind of came to an epiphany in my healing the other day. It helped break the spell for me and I feel better. The epiphany is this: it was all fake - all of it. I mean, I think ,my ex may have loved me to a certain extent, as best she could, but it was in no way how I would define love. Otherwise it's all just infatuation and attachment and co-dependency rooted in some childhood trauma. I think that's the major crux of it when you get discarded. The slow burn realization that it was all for naught. And that's a tough thing to swallow if you were totally in love with a person. It took me two years to heal from that. But then I realized why would want to be with a person who has the potential to walk away from it all in a second?  Someone who can't communicate and instead bottles it up, allowing her feelings to become corrosive inside. Someone who freely lies? What if I got married to this person?  If she came back, there is no way - even if you payed me money- that I would ever take her back in my life. Certain things are more precious any relationship could ever be. My happiness and my soul.