I am at a loss on how to proceed

[Karat]

Just found this website. Only sibling has BPD. We have had an on-again off-again relationship for decades because I’ve been afraid of being hurt yet again. Currently sibling hates our mom (sometimes she loves mom and hates me) so I’m currently sibling’s only family contact. Dreading when I inevitably anger sibling and am once again a horrible person instead of the best person. Mom is nearly 90 and is exhausted with being hated and verbally abused. Neither of us know how to help or how to best interact with sibling. We both LOVE sibling but feel helpless and hopeless in the face of anger, lies and fantasies, verbal abuse, and unpredictable behavior. Thank you for letting me speak this out loud.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Sancho]

Welcome Karat. I am so sad that you and your elderly mother are in this situation - which is similar to that of all who come here.

But I can gather that this has been going on for just so many, many years. We get worn down and feel battered and bruised by challenges presented by a loved one with BPD.

For myself, getting to the point of not knowing how to proceed was like a new starting point. For so long I had searched for ways to 'help', 'make it better' etc - just to take away the pain for a loved dd.

Coming here was a great help for two reasons: first of all I knew I was not alone in the world travelling this strange journey and secondly, I could see that others had tried everything and very often things were not improved.

So I started on the mantra 'I didn't cause this, I can't control it I can't cure it'.

And I started to let go enough so that when there was no drama I was able to relax a bit.

Then I learnt to 'greystone rock' when the drama was happening ie I didn't respond - hardly at all - and if I did it was with minimum words. I imagined the really awful abuse was words flying past me.

I think it is good to start with a very small thing that is regular and just for you - and your mum perhaps. A time when you put aside the anxiety and pain and focus on yourselves, your needs and the gift of your own life. Yes it has been a tough life, but you are both still here to see the trees and feel the warmth of the sun.

In those moments I hope the focus can be on letting go of the responsibility for your sibling and just nourishing your own being.

If you start with a short time, then hopefully you will manage more opportunities in the future.

Thank you for posting. It is so helpful for all of us to share our stories.

[Karat]

Thank you very much for your response, Sancho. All your observations are spot on and quite comforting.

My mother especially has wracked her brain trying to determine what she can do to help; we both see the pain and isolation affecting my sister and it truly hurts our hearts for her. Learning the mantra you speak of is a new beginning for us.

We are ready to attempt the grey rock technique, and hope to not let emotion sway us into trying to defend ourselves or explain during a rage. Knowing more about my sibling’s thinking patterns from all we are reading in Stop Walking On Eggshells helps tremendously.

Lastly, we are taking some time together to just enjoy life and be at peace. It is very healing. Again, thank you for your wise words.