Long rocky relationship with ex gf that ended about 2 months ago. Want her back

[Actraiser]

Hey everyone, after trying to gain some understanding about what happened between me and my ex, I am unsure whether she is a narcissist or has BPD. I miss her like crazy, and am unsure how to even go about trying to fix it(don’t even know if it’s fixable). Here’s the back story. Really appreciate everyone’s time.

Basically, we met six years ago on an online dating site. Talked for a few days. Our very first meetup was meeting in her car to smoke together. I felt extremely connected almost immediately, we had great convo, chemistry etc. We actually ended up having sex in her car of all things the first meetup. Didn’t take it as a red flag, since I just felt this instant connection like she said she did. Within the first month we were hanging out almost every day, and she moved in I believe the end of the first month with me(I was still living w my parents). Said we loved each other I believe our second or third meetup, too.

The first few months were great, we had ups and downs, and it’s so long ago hard to remember everything. We ended up getting engaged after about a year, but because I didn’t want to move out(she claims), she ended up breaking off the engagement.

We ended up seeing wachother after, something pretty awful on my end happened, which led to me not really being able to visit her house(her mother wouldn’t let me). I’m all honesty I’m not sure this even actually happened or it was her manipulating me at this point, still very uncertain and can’t go into details. We eventually start talking hanging out, it ends, we talk hang out, it ends, on and off. Eventually, we are dating again and everything feels more normal around the secondish year.

Her mother ends up passing away a little less than a year later, and I end up moving in with her. Things are tough, she’s dealing with trauma of her moms death, I’m a little immature and didn’t support her like she needed. I did try and believe I got much better as time went on.

Fast forward to last year, she ends up kicking me out after a stupid fight and I’m dumbfounded. Spend all summer trying to reconcile with her, I see her on dating sites( I was on them too, only really looking for her to be real, and once we started sleeping together again I stopped looking for other people, but she was still on them). Constantly asked her if she was seeing other people(it’s obvious she was but I wouldn’t believe it, even found birth control etc that I know we did not use but still believed her). Eventually in September we are officially back together after a horrible up and down reconciliation.

In February, I found her Reddit after she showed me a post online. I’ll admit I was so unsure of everything, that I looked through, and I found her talking about trying to start a relationship with someone while we were together(about 3 months before we split), and also during our reconciliation (about 2 days after we slept together). I confronted her about it, and she physically assaulted me pretty badly, lied to me and said it was an emotional affair with a high school friend online and he didn’t live in the state (this was a lie I came to find).

A few days after this, I tell her I’m really still shocked over this, and she ends up blowing up on me extremely bad, said I deserved it and many other bad things and kicked me out. I stop contacting her, a few days later she says she has stuff of mine she wants to drop off, I dismiss it and say ok thanks. So she drops off my stuff(literally just love letters I wrote her), and I never respond again. A couple days later, she blows my phone up about 100 times begging to talk saying she loves me I didn’t deserve this etc. I reach out when I see her on bumble realizing I don’t want to lose her, we talk, we get back togehter.

Fast forward to March, she has a trip to see her family. And I end up going into her pc while she’s away because I’m still having trouble trusting her. Come to find out everything was a lie, she had been sexting people she met online, at least 12 I could find but likely many more(couldn’t get into all her apps), come to find out she also cheated back years ago when we first started dating again, and during our reconciliation she had unprotected sex with people just days before we would sleep togehter, unprotected. She even told one of the guys she kept talking to after he rejected her she wished she could love ME so she wouldn’t have to be alone(this was a week before we got back together might I add). I asked her all summer if there was anyone else and she said no.

She also had been looking up dating sites on and off for years as well as made a fetlife account. She made her dating site account months before we split(I asked her about this and she lied, when I found an unopened condom in her room)

So basically I packed my stuff, left, and made a 2 hour video on her pc saying what I know and telling her my feelings and thoughts on it all. She reached out saying I deserved honesty, said she slept with 6 people since we met(then later tried to say it was only 3 because I wouldn’t believe it was only 3). Basically lied about some more things with truth mixed in, said it was because of something I did(she was sexting way before that happened), and said I could look through her phone pc etc every day if I needed to.

I go over the next day, and we talk, and if actually feels good. But it’s weird, she won’t kiss me, says we need to go to therapy and start over and I agree. I start looking etc. At this time we had our dryer break, and I was trying to find a repair person. She ends up finding one(she claims), I say great, give me their info and I’ll talk to them and set up time on my day off so you don’t have to deal with it(she used to get all stressed by this kind of stuff). She acts very weird and defensive and gets upset, says I won’t let her speak for herself etc(very very weird). So I get suspicious, go to check her email, and her password is changed and she gets notified I tried to log on.

She blows up, said I was supposed to ask her(never said this) if I wanted to look, and basically just ends it, says to never contact her again.

Two weeks after this she’s in a relationship with a new guy.

I haven’t reached out, and neither did she. To be fair, I was hurt, so I friended an ex on Facebook as well as made my friends public(a new girl I had slept with right after was on my list as well). She ended up blocking my Facebook and Instagram. And we haven’t talked since the split.

I miss her terribly, and am stuck wondering if anything was even real at all, if I’m ruining my chance of ever fixing anything by not reaching out, or am I better off letting her new thing play out and wait for her to reach out. In the past, I have always fought desperately for us. I mean tooth and nail would never give up. But now, I just don’t know what to do. It’s almost two months, and despite me feeling great about hooking up with someone else because of how hurt I was about it all, now I just wish I had reached out and tried to make it work.

Really appreciate any insight, I know it is a long read and I can certainly expand on more info if needed. I haven’t always been great to her myself but have tried to really be better, especially as I got older. I still really love her but I don’t even know if the person I love is real or a persona.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Cat Familiar]

Should you get back together, how do you foresee the future of your relationship?

[Actraiser]

Should you get back together, how do you foresee the future of your relationship?

To be fair, I’m not sure. Given how hot and cold it got, and the things she said, I’m left unsure if she loved me or not(she said she loved me at her core). The path I had envisioned was couples counseling as well as a individual counselor for each of us, and church for us. To be honest I feel like I could forgive the cheating. I mean in a way I already did, it just turned out to be much worse. I do know I miss her very much, I had my “fun” so to speak, realized it really didn’t mean anything and wasn’t fulfilling at all, and I just did it because I was so hurt by her doing it. In a way I feel “even” if that makes sense by that.

I’m not sure if there is a path forward. She’s been with her new guy about a month, and I’m blocked everywhere more or less, and we haven’t talked since the split. Fighting myself on whether reaching out is right or wrong. Don’t want to mess her new thing up, we both deserve a chance to be happy, but also really don’t want to lose her either even though I mean I already did lose her at this point.

[Rev]

Is it her you miss or the idea of her, do you think?

Rev

[Actraiser]

Is it her you miss or the idea of her, do you think?

Rev

It’s definitely both. I definitely miss her, our life together, the jokes, the way we’d look at each other. I don’t miss the ups and downs so much, but even that I kind of do. I genuinely loved her with everything I had to give. Even with all this I was ready to forgive her and find a way to make it work.. Before this all came out I was finally ready to propose to her again. Feels like I don’t know if I truly ever knew her or if any of it was real. That’s the hardest part. The other part is knowing it’s probably wrong to reach out at all(is it?) I’m really not sure. I know with her being in something new so fast it’s prob so she doesn’t have to think about what actually happened. I just wish I knew the right thing. Maybe it’s better to move on, but she really is all I’ve wanted for so many years. Even now still.

[Rev]

It’s definitely both. I definitely miss her, our life together, the jokes, the way we’d look at each other. I don’t miss the ups and downs so much, but even that I kind of do. I genuinely loved her with everything I had to give. Even with all this I was ready to forgive her and find a way to make it work.. Before this all came out I was finally ready to propose to her again. Feels like I don’t know if I truly ever knew her or if any of it was real. That’s the hardest part. The other part is knowing it’s probably wrong to reach out at all(is it?) I’m really not sure. I know with her being in something new so fast it’s prob so she doesn’t have to think about what actually happened. I just wish I knew the right thing. Maybe it’s better to move on, but she really is all I’ve wanted for so many years. Even now still.

This is one of the most succinct things I have read here since I found the BPDfamily community.

So I'll just lay it out - and if you want to know the "why's of it all" then we can go there if you'd like.

She is not who she said she was. She is not who she says she is to the next guy. The person she was with you is not the same person she is with the next guy ... outwardly  that is.

Who she "is" is a young girl (5 years likely - no joke) who is trying to fake being an adult. You miss her because she tried to show you everything you needed to see hook you.  She didn't do this because she's evil. She did this because she's broken and this is the only way she knows to survive.  At the risk of sounding cold, it is that basic.

Of course, for you, it isn't because you connected with her on the deepest levels of yourself. You truly loved what you thought was there. You will always love it - because that is who you are. Those values will not leave you.  Understand that she is not them.

Bottom line - sustained CBT and knew habits coupled with giving your body time to catch up with your body (If that makes sense) - will help to deprogram your attachment.

Hope this helps.

Reach out any time.

Hang in there.

Rev

[Actraiser]

I’ve been readin up on bpd narcissism etc. Because I am so unsure of it all. Is there really no way to get back with this person? I understand what you say, am I crazy to want to go back? I think about reaching out every day, and it kills me to know that I’ll prob never hear from her again. Not dismissing anything you are saying. Hate to say I’ve reached such depression over this it’s been scary to me.

[once removed]

The path I had envisioned was couples counseling as well as a individual counselor for each of us, and church for us.

this is smart thinking.

the fact is, this was a whirlwind romance with a lot of instability.

if the two of you got back tomorrow, you would essentially want to approach it from the vantage point of starting the relationship over from scratch - grieve the old one completely and go back with a very different plan - yet, theres a lot of underlying conflict that wouldnt suddenly vanish.

its a tall order. psychologically speaking, with a relationship as complicated as this, theres a lot of baggage, whereas there isnt with the current relationship, or, perhaps, the next.

as for reaching out, or not, its a mixed bag. youre right to not want to get in the middle of the current relationship. it needs to stand or fall on its own, it would be difficult to compete anyway, and its probably not the basis on which youd want to reconcile - it would probably fall apart quickly.

at the same time, you probably want to be on her radar, and you want some of the ice to thaw. it might be worth reaching out on a purely friendly basis; dont go near romantic feelings, hard feelings, the past, any of it. there is, of course, the possibility that she wouldnt be receptive. the way things ended were pretty ugly, after a lot of conflict, and at this point, there simply may be too much baggage.

what do you think?

[Actraiser]

this is smart thinking.

the fact is, this was a whirlwind romance with a lot of instability.

if the two of you got back tomorrow, you would essentially want to approach it from the vantage point of starting the relationship over from scratch - grieve the old one completely and go back with a very different plan - yet, theres a lot of underlying conflict that wouldnt suddenly vanish.

its a tall order. psychologically speaking, with a relationship as complicated as this, theres a lot of baggage, whereas there isnt with the current relationship, or, perhaps, the next.

as for reaching out, or not, its a mixed bag. youre right to not want to get in the middle of the current relationship. it needs to stand or fall on its own, it would be difficult to compete anyway, and its probably not the basis on which youd want to reconcile - it would probably fall apart quickly.

at the same time, you probably want to be on her radar, and you want some of the ice to thaw. it might be worth reaching out on a purely friendly basis; dont go near romantic feelings, hard feelings, the past, any of it. there is, of course, the possibility that she wouldnt be receptive. the way things ended were pretty ugly, after a lot of conflict, and at this point, there simply may be too much baggage.

what do you think?

I am really stuck. At this point, she blocked me everywhere. Instead of reaching out after this happened, I was so hurt that I basically made a point of refriending an ex that she was jealous of on Facebook as well as a new girl I hooked up with. Very dumb of me, but I was so hurt I kind of just wanted her to feel what I felt. As time passed, I realized that I just wanted her to understand what she did to me, and really just wish I had reached out to have a real talk. We haven’t spoken at all and tomorrow will be 2 months since it all fell apart. She got in her new relationship two weeks after. Oddly enough I almost see it playing out more or less like mine did (she painted me a huge painting almost right after we met, she made him an art piece of a different kind as well). Hate to say I check her stuff out even though I’m blocked, but curiosity is a killer,

There may be too much baggage at this point. We’ve had so many ups and downs, but I always knew in my mind it would work out. I guess I’m looking for an answer I can’t really get haha.

At this point I’m not even mad at her anymore. Honestly I feel sad for her, because I know how she can be( even if it may be a charade), and I know that there is a part of her that has a really good heart. Or maybe not and it all was an act. I almost get to the point of reaching out to her guy to warn him but it’s really not my place.

I guess maybe the best bet is really wait and see if she reaches out and wait and see if I still want it. Almost embarrassed to say I do because of what happened, but I just can’t see myself connecting with someone like I did her. Hurts that she feels able to right away with someone new(whether real or not.

I wish I had given myself a chance to trust her, but after so many lies, I just couldn’t. Sorry for so much. It has been extremely hard, and I’ve reached such a dark place at times there’s been times I’ve thought about just ending my own life. Obviously not the healthiest mindset myself to be thinking such things.

I wouldn’t even know how to reach out either at this point, so maybe it is better to let it play out, I’ve always reached out and always fought never gave up on us, and I guess that part of it hurts just as bad to. To not even be able to fight for it anymore.

[Actraiser]

On top of all that she also said never to contact her again during the last interaction.

[Cat Familiar]

On top of all that she also said never to contact her again during the last interaction.

I think you’ve gotten your answer.

[Actraiser]

I think you’ve gotten your answer.

Yeah I guess you’re right. Certainly feels terrible but I guess that’s just the way it is. Appreciate everyone’s advice. As much as I’d like to fix things I guess there is no way to fix it. Just hard to accept.

[Rev]

Yeah I guess you’re right. Certainly feels terrible but I guess that’s just the way it is. Appreciate everyone’s advice. As much as I’d like to fix things I guess there is no way to fix it. Just hard to accept.

Yes it is very hard to accept.

And therin lies the key. Crappy as it sounds the only closure you can get is the closure you give yourself. As Once Removed said - the current relationship is fraught. As Cat says - sounds like an answer.

And no.- I don't hear you as dismissing anything that has been said. On the contrary I admire the effort you are putting in to find your footing.

What could be offered here to promote healing and support for you, do you think?

Hang in there.

Rev

[Actraiser]

Yeah. I’m not going to try and insert myself in the new thing. I’ve thought often about sending him a message, warning him showing him what she’s about. But really, it’s not my place to.

The last time we talked was the day it all blew up. We haven’t spoken to each other since. I’ve heard the term “painted black” thrown around a lot in regards to when they do this. Do you think that there is no way that I will ever hear from her again? I truly miss her, even if it’s not “really her”. I don’t know. Maybe I’m grasping at straws with it.

I am stuck between knowing I need to accept it and really not wanting to haha. I hate to say it’s all I’ve been thinking about most days. As far as healing? Im not sure. When it first happened I was so angry it was easier. Now as time goes on, it’s just harder. Today is 2 months since it all went down and it feels 100x worse than the beginning.

I mean im prob searching for an answer that I already know or can’t get, but do these people ever reach back out after something like this?

[once removed]

do people that have a traumatic break up ever feel badly about how it ended, and want to reach out to end things on a better note, or even reconcile?

all the time.

and sometimes, theres just too much water under the bridge.

its impossible to predict whether or not she will. in this case, your guess is going to be better than mine.

its less likely (though wouldnt be unheard of by any means) while shes in a relationship. and when someone puts up walls as high as to block you at every avenue, it puts you in a difficult position.