my husband has issues and is home with the kids for the summer

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Hi. I work full time. my husband is a teacher and is off for the summer. He regularly name calls, has a favorite child and a scapegoat. He insists the kids do travel ski racing and soccer. He does the kids homework for them if they dont make the honor roll. He is financially irresponsible. He insists we do the travel sports, two or three lavish plane ride vacations a year, and live in a ritzy neighborhood. He only buys designer clothes and tells the children that clothes from discount stores are "crap." I just got out of buying him a new car. I just got out of paying for a ski race camp for the children. The pandemic has crushed my children's independence and he says I am an unfit mom because I work 45 to 50 hours a week and he says our youngest is "too depressed" for me to have any custody if we divorce. THey are 12 and 13 and girls.

 Now my youngest daughter is glued to her cell phone 24/7 and yelling at friends and family members. I literally dressed her to get her into the car for school this year.  I signed up my daughter for summer school, she is on antidepressants and in counseling. My mom has anxiety and cannot help, My in-laws try to help but he is an only child and they spoil and enable and cover for him. He will do their home work and tells them to lie to teachers, doctors, and other kids parents. I was going to church with the kids but he came along and mocked the preacher and now the kids are disrespectful about church.
I stay because I think it is worse for the kids if I leave. He tells them I am crazy and bipolar and that I dont know anything about money. I dont know what to do.

[lablovergirl]

Hi. I work full time. my husband is a teacher and is off for the summer. He regularly name calls, has a favorite child and a scapegoat. He insists the kids do travel ski racing and soccer. He does the kids homework for them if they dont make the honor roll. He is financially irresponsible. He insists we do the travel sports, two or three lavish plane ride vacations a year, and live in a ritzy neighborhood. He only buys designer clothes and tells the children that clothes from discount stores are "crap." I just got out of buying him a new car. I just got out of paying for a ski race camp for the children. The pandemic has crushed my children's independence and he says I am an unfit mom because I work 45 to 50 hours a week and he says our youngest is "too depressed" for me to have any custody if we divorce. THey are 12 and 13 and girls.

 Now my youngest daughter is glued to her cell phone 24/7 and yelling at friends and family members. I literally dressed her to get her into the car for school this year.  I signed up my daughter for summer school, she is on antidepressants and in counseling. My mom has anxiety and cannot help, My in-laws try to help but he is an only child and they spoil and enable and cover for him. He will do their home work and tells them to lie to teachers, doctors, and other kids parents. I was going to church with the kids but he came along and mocked the preacher and now the kids are disrespectful about church.
I stay because I think it is worse for the kids if I leave. He tells them I am crazy and bipolar and that I dont know anything about money. I dont know what to do.

[BigOof]

Hi lablovergirl,

Your husband sounds very insecure and somewhat manipulative, and you're getting gaslighted. Start here:

https://www.amazon.com/Narcissists-Playbook-Sociopaths-Psychopaths-Manipulative-ebook/dp/B07NS9YVD8

I feel your pain.

BigOof

[ForeverDad]

Several years ago I came across the quote below, attributed to various sources.  This is the oldest reference I found, from a 1986 book titled Solomon's Children - Exploding the Myths of Divorce.  I bought it to confirm and found it on page 195.

An interesting observation by one participant, As the saying goes, "I'd rather come from a broken home than live in one."  Ponder that.  Taking action, as appropriate, will enable your lives or at least a part of your lives to be spent be in a calm, stable environment - your home, wherever that may be - away from the blaming, emotional distortions, pressuring demands and manipulations, unpredictable ever-looming rages and outright chaos.

In short, you can choose to make the best of a lousy situation, whether you stay with demonstrated improvement, "stay for now" pending improvement or whether you go.  The reasonable best.

Your decisions of course will be affected by your spouse's actions and behaviors.  But it's always up to you to decide what boundaries you will set in your life, what you will do or not do, etc.

I would add this perspective too...  Many think they can't "leave" their children but they are already leaving their children to work almost daily, go shopping, etc.  Yes, there is a risk a family court could decide we get less time with our children but at least part of the children's lives would be in a stable, reasonably normal home.  Ponder whether that is a better example for the kids than living only in a dysfunctional home.

And if you have the children in counseling then you'll have a professional on the side of "best for the kids", if not also on your side.