struggling with rumination over BPD ex

[SJP531]

I'm 30 days into "no contact" with my on and off again boyfriend of 2 years that was diagnosed with BPD 6 months ago. I'm going to counseling, reading books about BPD, journaling and maintaining no contact, but still I find myself ruminating about him all day long and half hoping that he'll find a way to contact me (like he always does). I know it's ridiculous to think he's missing me like I'm missing him right now, or that we could ever have a healthy relationship, but it doesn't stop me from ruminating about it. When I read about BPD relationships, ours was textbook. Logically, I understand that the intense chemistry I felt with him was not some out-of-this-world special kind of love, but merely the product of his BPD. However...my heart believes it was all real, and it's a huge loss with a lot of grief. How do you stop the constant rumination and get your heart to accept reality?

[once removed]

hi SJP531, and

in retrospect, i think of the love my ex and i had as very real, but, unfortunately, not sustainable. hard to say whether that notion helps or hurts in your situation. but at the end of the day, if it wasnt real, thered be little to nothing to grieve.

i struggled a lot with what was pretty constant rumination. there are tools for limiting it.

i would suggest however, that there can be a purpose for rumination. your psyche is trying to make sense of what it has been through. if you can harness it, as well as limit it, thinking things through can be productive. at the same time, i know from experience how debilitating it can be.

one thing that i did was to put it in writing, pen to paper. that helped me to focus it. it helped me to have something to review. so much of that rumination was wanting to say my piece, in some way shape or form. writing it out helped me feel i was accomplishing that. i also, at a certain point, would exhaust myself, and feel, at least for a while, "done" ruminating.

another approach is to (with practice) limit the time(s) you allow yourself to ruminate.

there are many approaches, though. what do you find yourself ruminating about? are there particular triggers, and/or particular times of the day where its worst?

[nerves]

Sorry you're struggling with this 

I'm about 5 months out since the initial breakup and no contact has been broken multiple times since then. Currently at 3 weeks.

Things I find help:

- post on here to get it out of my system
- talk to someone about it to get it out of my system
- distract, distract, distract - I made a long list of stuff that I can get a bit lost in and I choose something off the list
- remove triggers - objects/photos/social media - anything to stop them popping into your head

[60av8tor]

Sorry to read this. To me this is one of the most traumatic parts of these breakups. My wife split horribly. She filed for divorce and I attempted everything I could to save things for about a month. Finally, I believe she had enough of my attempts, and she filed a protective order against me while I was traveling with work - I could not return to our home.

To say I was devastated is an understatement. I had never even heard of BPD prior to this. Learning about BPD answered so many unanswered questions I had about our short relationship (4.5 years) and marriage (just under 3 years), BUT I was emotionally devastating due to the rapidity and viciousness with which everything took place.

I thought about her, us, and the situation CONSTANTLY. I'd wake up most nights in the middle of the night talking in my sleep with my brain racing. The first 45ish days were hellish - nothing comparable in my life. I'm now approaching 5 months and I can just now say that my logical brain is beginning to surpass my emotional brain. I still have very difficult days, but the rumination, in and of itself, is almost completely gone. I still think A LOT, but not the obsessive thoughts I had initially.

I'm now beginning to believe what everyone around me - friends, T, lawyer, etc - have told me all along. I'm missing and yearning for something that never really existed and that the protective order is actually kind of a blessing as it's protecting me from myself. Those first 45 days, I would have done ANYTHING (just like I basically did anything our entire relationship to try to keep things good) to have her back and things almost 100% would have still eventually ended up the way they are now - divorce.

I know my post probably doesn't sound too encouraging, but it is meant to be. Hang in there. It's a game of minutes, inches, one step forward, two back initially. Little by little things will be clearer and the pain will dull and be replaced by learning, growth, and thankfulness.

[SinisterComplex]

I'm 30 days into "no contact" with my on and off again boyfriend of 2 years that was diagnosed with BPD 6 months ago. I'm going to counseling, reading books about BPD, journaling and maintaining no contact, but still I find myself ruminating about him all day long and half hoping that he'll find a way to contact me (like he always does). I know it's ridiculous to think he's missing me like I'm missing him right now, or that we could ever have a healthy relationship, but it doesn't stop me from ruminating about it. When I read about BPD relationships, ours was textbook. Logically, I understand that the intense chemistry I felt with him was not some out-of-this-world special kind of love, but merely the product of his BPD. However...my heart believes it was all real, and it's a huge loss with a lot of grief. How do you stop the constant rumination and get your heart to accept reality?

Well SJP first...as my teammate OR has already welcomed you I want to also extend my welcome...

These relationships can definitely put you through the ringer. Sorry for the circumstances that led you here, but happy you found us. So indeed welcome to the FAM.

To deal with ruminations the most important point will be getting yourself to let go of him. If you want the ruminations to stop you have to be willing to let go. If you are not willing to let go and you are not honest with yourself the ruminations will most likely haunt you a lot longer than you want them to.

You have to let go of the fantasy, the potential, and the future thoughts. You have to accept the WHAT IS. And then most importantly...focus on YOU and DO YOU. You have to go about your business and approach life with the mind set you can only control what is in your control and let the rest fall into place. You can't worry about about the things you cannot control. You plan on going to the beach and enjoying the sun one day, but it rains so does that ruin your day? Well it shouldn't. Always have a backup plan. Always be willing to adapt on the fly. You cannot control the weather, but you can control how respond to the weather and what your plans will be. Additionally, strive not to base your plans around other people, make it a point to eliminate as many variables as you can...Make sense?

Cheers and best wishes!

-SC-