SPLITTING: What can this look like?

[lovingmyself1st]

I’ve read several threads on here about splitting. It seems like a lot of the experiences people have had are times when the splitting is really intense & obvious. Are there times when the splitting may be much more subtle and not intense? Is there a build up to the more noticeable & concerning examples of splitting?

Here are some things my person (who disclosed she experiences symptoms of bpd early in our relationship) did that I am wondering if they could have been splitting symptoms & I wasn’t aware:

- after a long period of time with very vulnerable & honest communication, suddenly withholding a concern from me & bringing it up 2 months later once the resentment is overflowing. (We agreed very early on that we would share when we were hurt/annoyed/frustrated/scared.)

- being passive aggressive at times

- sarcasm at times, though nothing was ever outwardly mean

- She expressed feeling like she was so mean to me, and that I don’t deserve that, and she doesn’t like who she is becoming & she can’t figure out why she is annoyed with me so easily. (Note- I didn’t have the same perception on her behavior. I can only remember one time when she was mean to me, and it was hardly mean.)

- giving me the cold shoulder or being distant but not telling me why

- telling me she isn’t sure if she’s “all in” first because of the resentment built from the hurt mentioned above, and then I’v once her friends told her she was overreacting about that, she said she’s still not sure & it’s just a feeling she has.

Thanks for reading.

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[Rev]

Hi Loving,

Thanks for the question. It's been a while since I've delved into this one.

You're on the bettering board here, so I am I to assume that you are in the process of trying to get a handle on some of these behaviors? Are you trying to find a way to adjust yourself in the relationship to better it?

If that is the case here's what I would add.

Like so many pop-psychology terms, the original use of a term can get spread pretty thin.

The first thing we say here is that it can be useful to make the distinction between causes and traits.  Traits being the actual behavior, causes being the source of that behavior.  In full blow situations involving pwBPD, out the outset there can be some confusion about BPD vs Bi-Polar conditions. On the surface they look the same. The "treatment" will differ though because the cause of the behavior is different.

Same thing with splitting - which in technical terms is a form of dissociation.  When someone dissociates, they literally  "split off" contact with a stress inducing experience.  

And so, by what you describe here, as unpleasant as these behaviors are, I'm not sensing that they are a true form of splitting.

pwBPD will use such behaviors to maintain a sense of security by keeping people around them off balance. But this is more of an intentional way of being - however maladaptive that way of being may be.

Splitting would be living in a world of feelings based facts - In other words if she if feeling hurt by something, and you happen to be in the wrong place at the wrong time, you become the source of her hurt. She projects that hurt on to you. She may even reinterpret events to suit that conclusion (known as gaslighting). This may make no sense to you in the moment, but it makes perfect sense to her. Her feelings are real. And so her thoughts, in her mind, are justified.

Hours later, the complete reverse may be true. And then you go from Zero to Hero. You may think that something has been repaired. And again, if we are talking about splitting, you would be wrong. Nothing has been repaired. Things have simply shifted.  With deeper cases of PBD this can happen more than once in the same day.

How long have you been together if you don't mind me asking?  How did you meet?  What were the first few weeks like?

Hope this helps.

Rev