Separated for 7 months now. Started strong and now I hit a wall/burnt out.

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

Hello all,

I have not been on here in months.  Ever since my ex-bpd wife moved out.  I thought I was in a good place but I am realizing now I have been grasping on to one distraction after another. (probably why I stayed off here... so it isn't real).  I am glad I came back and read through some posts.  It really put things in perspective for me.  Like others I hit a wall or got burnt out after a really strong start.

The past month has been the toughest.  My two daughters are struggling mentally and their mother tends to push things to me like "we need to do activities together, for the kids".  Or "lets do couples therapy together, the kids need us together".  All that has really put me in a downward spiral where I have not been social or active at all.  Even her "new boyfriend" news didn't effect me as much as knowing my kids are struggling this bad.  I felt taking her back would help me not feel so alone, but I felt more alone when I was with her.  I thought maybe I need to find someone new but I can't even muster the energy or desire to try.  I feel lost, worthless and a looser in life.  My kids are in therapy and I have been getting a lot of assistance with learning to help them overcome these issues.  I can't help but feel I could do more, but I only have them one week at a time and their mother doesn't seem as interested in their mental well being. Only time I feel like me is my week with my daughters.

I could go on forever but from what I have read I think I lack perspective and mostly on who I am and who I want to be now.  I think this may be the right direction or start to something here, but I am afraid I will give up on this.  How do you all keep motivated?

Thank you,

[WalkingonEggshel]

Hello all,

I have not been on here in months.  Ever since my ex-bpd wife moved out.  I thought I was in a good place but I am realizing now I have been grasping on to one distraction after another. (probably why I stayed off here... so it isn't real).  I am glad I came back and read through some posts.  It really put things in perspective for me.  Like others I hit a wall or got burnt out after a really strong start.

The past month has been the toughest.  My two daughters are struggling mentally and their mother tends to push things to me like "we need to do activities together, for the kids".  Or "lets do couples therapy together, the kids need us together".  All that has really put me in a downward spiral where I have not been social or active at all.  Even her "new boyfriend" news didn't effect me as much as knowing my kids are struggling this bad.  I felt taking her back would help me not feel so alone, but I felt more alone when I was with her.  I thought maybe I need to find someone new but I can't even muster the energy or desire to try.  I feel lost, worthless and a looser in life.  My kids are in therapy and I have been getting a lot of assistance with learning to help them overcome these issues.  I can't help but feel I could do more, but I only have them one week at a time and their mother doesn't seem as interested in their mental well being. Only time I feel like me is my week with my daughters.

I could go on forever but from what I have read I think I lack perspective and mostly on who I am and who I want to be now.  I think this may be the right direction or start to something here, but I am afraid I will give up on this.  How do you all keep motivated?

Thank you,

[judee]

Hi W,

Thank you for sharing.. reading your words it feels like we are in the same place.
Yet I also see how oddly strange the mind works... knowing how unhappy we were in that relationship yet wanting it back desperately?
Rationally you would expect a relief of not having to suffer so bad anymore, like when a bad backpain eventually subsides we would never want that back would we?
I had the worse night of all nights since my break up three months ago.
the feeling of being estranged to him led to being estranged to myself and my life. Then I was crying for hours ( that was so stuck for weeks already) somewhere in the misery I at least felt like myself. Then a couple of the worst darkest saddest dreams. It is normal to lose yourself in this situation, it is just so hard to keep feeling da feelings.
My friend just sent me something about letting your feelings flow because that is all they want. For them not to be anything else than they are is the healthiest form of selfcare we can do right now. Even though hard you are in a way way healthier position right now than you were when you were in that relationship.

[Dad50]

No sage advice except solidarity. The trauma bond is so effed up.  1) There is nothing new under the sun with your feelings. 2) Your ex is trying to use your kids to manipulate you. Revel in their energy. I know I worry about my kids, sometimes more than I need to.

My guess is you are a caretaker and nurturer and "fixer". That's how we end up with broken people. My guess is you want to fix your daughters (in a good way) because we hate seeing our kids in pain. Have faith that they are stronger than you realize. Heck, they came from you, and you survived. You can't save them from some of the pain life has, as hard as that is. You can just be there for them.

I know the times apart can be lonely. With getting too intrusive or obsessive I think it is okay to try and text them to check in on their day once a day.

Anyway, this thing sucks. You're stronger than you know. So are your kids.

[WalkingonEggshel]

Thank you all for the kind words.  I am happy to be back on here and trying to be social as I can be with people that really understand where I am at.