He identifies as BPD but won't get a diagnosis

[Mommyissues45]

Married and living apart for over 2 years now.  He left us for the 2nd time right after Covid was shutting down the world. I didn't work, had no car, no money of my own, and had 2 children he helped raise since they were 3. I had no friends and no self esteem and I was devastated, When he left me, he left us all, but he blames me for him not keeping in contact with the kids. Over these last couple years I did it, I have all of those things now and more, he expected us to pack up and go live with by parents, he said I could never make it without him, Fast forward to April of this year...after not speaking for at least 3 solid months, he came to me out if NO WHERE and proclaimed his love for me, that he made a huge mistake and he realizes that he does live me and never has stopped, he wants us to be a family again , that he wants another chance and can we take it slow?  He said that he had an "awakening" that made him "see" that I was in grave danger, he felt that the universe was telling him to reach out to me. Oh. Okay... Never before had he spoken like that, this was a new personality so to speak, it was a shock. I listened and acknowledged what he "saw" and how he felt and I asured him that I believe what he was saying was true. Maybe he is gifted and special, he has always had the best luck and he is way smarter than I am, I now recognize this as grandiose thinking.
Me, being co dependent , half heartedly agreed that yea, let's try. I was literally shaking when we had that conversation, I was scared. It took 2-3 mire times of us getting together and talking before I stopped having that shaky feeling. It seems that as soon as I began to "give in" he switched. Suddenly he now wasn't sure, he wanted to take a "step back" and said that I am controlling and manipulative and untrustworthy. Huh? It's as if he is mad at me, and accusing me of such things, because he is unable to confront these issues about himself. I am guessing that he is taking out his self hatred on me.
We still live apart. The kids absolutely love having him around, but I have made a choice. I cannot and will not have a relationship with this man unless he starts therapy. It's too toxic, it's too desperate...and it takes so much out of me mentally that I'm hurting myself by holding onto hope, so I choose to let go. It's excruciating to let go when you love someone. He doesn't understand the pain, he said he just shuts his feelings off and gets over things quickly. In short, he left, then came back, and now is "leaving" again, because he doesn't trust Me. It's craziness. I've always been loyal. Always! He is the one with a guilty conscience.
What should I do? Anytime I bring up divorce he suddenly has to go, he can't talk about it...we still live apart I know what my gut says. And that is move on and move up and focus on myself. That's what I'm trying to do, and I think he hates me for it,

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Cat Familiar]

It sounds like he’s projecting his betrayal and untrustworthiness upon you.

You sound like you are listening to your inner wisdom and being mindful about not believing his *pretty words* but rather paying attention to his behavior.

Do you think there’s a chance he will enter into therapy?

[Mommyissues45]

No, I don't think he will ever want to get therapy, and that's why I don't know what to do next. I'm scared. I feel like he is a ticking time bomb...like what happens the next time he gets upset or is unhappy? Is he going to ghost us again? Will he split again? How could u ever be trusting of him? And how can I cope with the emotional abuse from him? I live this man with all my heart. But he isn't willing to offer any solutions.

[Cat Familiar]

Unless he demonstrates otherwise, you are wise to question his trustworthiness.

How you cope with emotional abuse is to strengthen your boundaries. He is going to do what he is going to do, and how you react to that is the only leverage you have.

Take a look at the Tools at the top of this page.

He isn’t willing to offer solutions because he doesn’t see himself as the problem. It’s you, circumstances beyond his control, the unfairness of life, etc.

If you want to continue the relationship with him, you have to be the one who makes the changes. It’s possible if you behave differently, he will respond differently. Otherwise, what you are currently experiencing will continue as is, or perhaps get worse.