Can People With BPD Have Long Relationships?

[GlennT]

There is a stigma associated with this personality disorder that they have only short-term relationships and cannot be faithful. I am certain that a woman I met is BPD, and she said she was diagnosed by one psychiatrist, but she was married for 31 years, plus said she never cheated, but her marriage made her very unhappy. She said she is only happy when she is not seriously involved. What say you about this stigma? Do you believe some can stay faithfully married for years?

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[15years]

Many here on this forum is in a long relationship with a person with BPD. Many of them are loyal to their spouse.

The stereotype bpd who has a lot of short relationships and cheats on their partners is just one type but may get a lot of attention in the general view on BPD. There are as many variations as in people in general.

I would say BPD is not a personality style, it's a disorder that affects the personality. Every personality style can have BPD.

Just my personal thoughts, what do you think?

[GlennT]

Thanks. That reply is fair. I have been on this board a long time and I have mostly read about the hurtin and cheatin stuff I reckin they did.

[babyducks]

I would say It is also important to remember that no two pwBPD act completely alike.   It is the unique events of each person’s life that make up the content of their fears and distorted thinking.   

it's also been observed that people in BPD type relationships tend to match each other in same way.    in level of emotional maturity.   in maladaptive coping traits. for example, someone with very strong codependent characteristics will pair with someone with BPD because both people are getting (unhealthy) needs met.

BPD also exists on a spectrum.    many people who post here have partners that have traits of the illness but are higher functioning.

   

[FirstSteps]

I just celebrated my 17th anniversary with my uBPDw so it's definitely possible. 

However, I think what Babyducks says is important.  I definitely matched my wife with my codependent tendencies and some emotional immaturity from growing up with extremely immature parents.  So we have made it work and even had wonderful stretches of time.  But it was built on a pretty unhealthy foundation.

That foundation is now cracking and falling to pieces.

From reading here and in other places, it seems clear that a pwBPD could have a functional long-term relationship if their partner sets good boundaries and they are high enough functioning to respect them and even seek out treatment.  In my case, that feels like a mirage, though, that I'm chasing. 

[Riv3rW0lf]

My mother with BPD has been 20+ years with my stepfather. She never cheated.

In their case however, he never had any boundaries and she swallowed him whole.

The man doesn't work anymore because of back issues, and before that, they ran a business "together", meaning she ran it and he did whatever she wanted him to do. He basically follows her along for the ride... He has no friend of his own, no activity of his own. He is always home and does whatever she tells him to... He is very sick now, and she is being triggered by it, he is near the end, it is quite evident.

But yeah... it happens, long relationship. In their case though, the cost was basically...well... his friends, his life... everything he ever was. He is just an extension of her now. 

[thankful person]

I’ve been with my dbpdw for 8 years. We’ve had some seriously rocky patches lasting many months, and on a very bad day she still sometimes questions why we are together and says I’m not good enough etc. These things are rare since I learnt how to handle and communicate with her better. She has threatened to get in better sex partners but I know she has always been faithful to me. I don’t think our marriage would have lasted if I hadn’t found bpd family and the amazing people I’ve met on here.

[Go3737]

38 years married to an undiagnosed (but in treatment for years)

I just walked out for the third time in 3 months.
I was home one day and night.

She drank and became very abusive again... against my boundary i set for myself six months ago.

It's heartbreaking. And very hard.