CODA

[Hope4Joy]

My therapist brought up codependency and suggested the book Codependent No More. After I had finished it I did ask her about meetings because it was a big emphasis later in the book. She is local and knew of a meeting with a leader and at a church she knows and has high regard for, but I don’t think I can go in person yet. I called in to a meeting and freaked out when everyone started introducing themselves and hung up. What format does anyone here prefer? How did you get through your first meeting?

I have not brought this subject up with uBPDh. While he loves for things to be wrong with me, I feel like codependency might also put a mark on him? It still seems like kind of a broad label that I don’t know how to explain. I would like to tell him if I continue to attend meetings. My therapist also suggested that he may have some codependent tendencies based on what I have shared, which is maybe another way of bringing it up but still indicates he has a problem (which again he does not want to admit).

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Outdorenthusiast]

Feel confident that you are going for you to make you feel better.  There are online versions if you don’t want to “go” somewhere.  You can grow out of codependency and feel good again with CODA and a good therapist.  I did.  Be confident in yourself to get what you need and don’t feel bad about it.  If you can go to the dentist/Dr.  - church, baseball game, dance lesson etc - this is no different- but it is for you.   Get rid of the guilt of taking care of you.

[Notwendy]

I think your therapist is wise. A T made the same recommendation for me. I agree that relationship issues are a result of two people. I felt angry and resentful that it was only me with the label, but I think in retrospect, she saw that it would help me to work on that.

We can not change another person, only ourselves but most relationship issues involve dynamics between two people. Your H may be behaving poorly- but you may also be enabling and reinforcing these behaviors with your co-dependency. This takes away any incentive on his part to change. Addressing his behaviors is useless if they are being enabled. She had to address yours first.

When you go to meetings, they are only dealing with you. There's no mark on your H. If you were to start talking about him, they'd direct it back on you because the meeting is only for you and your codependency. Your therapy and meetings ( if you choose to share) are for your benefit. Own it. If you tell him, let him know it's to help you and as the poster said- you going to the dentist, or church- that's about you, not him.

I recall the first meeting and I felt very scared and out of place. But stay with it- and it does get easier- but do the whole thing- because it's the whole program that makes it work. First go to meetings for a while, to get more comfortable with them. You will see that many different people are there, some with difficulties greater than yours perhaps but there are also likely some long timers there- who do know the program well. When you find someone who you feel you would like to be your sponsor- go for it- ask them. Working with a sponsor was very effective for me and I think it's a necessary part of this to do.

[NonnyMouse]

I've been to one CODA meeting. That introduction thing was a bit disturbing! But I just thought that there was no chance of anything I said leaking out into the real world. And then it was just like being in a movie, "Hi, I'm Brad, and I'm a ..."! So that weirdly made it fascinating.

Oh, and I concluded I was absolutely nothing like the other people there. I was not co-dependent. I'd only gone because for years I'd been gaslit lit by my uBPDw into thinking I was! So it was very helpful in an unexpected way.

[Notwendy]

Groups can be different. Keep in mind, it's a mix of lay people and volunteer run, so each meeting can have a different "feel" to it. I think I got lucky in that the first one I attended was very good and effective. I have been to others where I didn't think it was a good fit.

I think it's hard to tell from one meeting but if you go for a while and there are others in your area, you could consider trying another one or the online ones. Most went online during the pandemic but some are starting to meet in person again.

I can relate to feeling I have nothing in common with the people in the group- and that can be true in a sense - people come to the groups with all kinds of situations and also they can bring in their own baggage as well. The groups I have been in have been composed of people from all walks of life and different professions- maybe some people you might not ever meet in your own circle but eventually it's possible to feel you have something in common with some of them.

Or, as NonnyMouse said- it may not be something that fits you. I think one difference is who recommended it- if it is a therapist, they may have a more accurate perspective than a BPD spouse. Sounds like it was a good reality check to see that this suggestion was way off.