After 2.5 years, other guys in the picture immediately

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Two months ago I broke up with my girlfriend of 2.5 years who is BPD. Our entire relationship was volatile. Her temperament was like nitro glycerin, she would explode and cause catastrophes that would ruin entire days over the slightest provocation or perceived slight. Usually blaming me for not understanding how to reassure/understand/talk to her. She mercilessly grilled me about my past marriage, non-stop jealousy issues that were out of control, horrible immature rude behavior, verbal abuse/emotional abuse, and incessant double standards (it was ok for her to have a ton of guy friends; but I couldn’t even say “hi” to a female former co-worker without nuclear annihilation). She was the most beautiful girlfriend I have ever had (like supermodel status), the whole time we were together other guys were always interested in her, people always complimenting me for how hot she is, she’s always stared at everywhere she goes, guys always trying to find a way to butt into our conversations, etc. I tried my best to be comfortable with this. But she would do things like give her number out to guys then lie to me about it, confide in random strangers about our relationship problems, sometimes who were guys I KNEW that would make a move or express interest in her during their conversation. We matched in the shallow end of the pool; sex was amazing, similar musical/art/travel tastes, both only children, etc. But there was always a toxic volatile dynamic that kept me from connecting with her on a deeper level. She always pushed me away, then would complain I wasn’t doing “this, this and this” juuuuust the right way she needed to act like a good person. Even if you did what she said she wanted, behavior would never change. No matter how thoroughly you explain her behavior (and she would acknowledge it and promise to make changes) it would all go out the window as soon as she was triggered.

I witnessed one event that literally scarred me emotionally: She had an elderly dog that was crying because she was suffering tremendously from a tumor on the roof of her mouth. On her last night (the dog was dying and saying “please help me mommy”) her dogs crying/whimpering annoyed her so much she threw her on the ground HARD smacked her on top of the head and screamed at her "SHUT THE F*** UP!" The dog was 16 years old, blind and deaf and suffering immensely. I realized at that moment the girl I was with was a monster. She never showed true remorse for what she did that night and would just say “people grieve differently”. I wanted to leave then but I never worked up the courage. To be completely vulnerable, I was too afraid about what the aftermath of our breakup would look like. So I kept giving it second/third/fourth/millionth chances. As the relationship progressed I would notice this rage come out of her towards me when I would express how her horrible behavior was hurting me and impacting my mental health. Its almost as if she is emotionally sociopathic. She cares about other people but in a shallow way. Like “oh I got you a candy bar you like, I love you so much” but when it came to your feelings, she couldn’t compute outside of her toxic twisted distortions of how she thought you SHOULD be feeling. I broke up with her 2 months ago when she screamed at me because I had a migraine and told her I was sorry I wasn’t feeling how she wanted me to feel. “That’s not WHAT THE F*** IM SAYING!” She raged. I had been warning her about her verbal abuse and how if it didn’t stop I would end the relationship. So I did.

During our relationship she lied to me 10+ times about how many guys she slept with in the 10 week gap between her ex and me. It was “3” guys at first, then the truth turned into like 11-12 dudes IN THREE MONTHS, after 10+ times of feeding me crumbs of truth. I always had a hard time dealing with that: the lying and the sheer number of casual sexual partners. I’ve never slept with that many girls, let alone in such a short period of time. To make matters worse we live in a small town and some of these guys I would see around, had mutual friends, or would contact her to try and reconnect. It was a nightmare. All while she would torture me with jealousy issues about the small handful of girls I had been with in the past 4 years, and interrogate me endlessly about my ex-wife and what girls I thought were attractive. To her, merely thinking someone is attractive (even in a picture; a billboard with model would trigger her) is just as bad as actually sleeping with someone else if you’re in a relationship. She even said one time that’s its not as bad to actually sleep with someone (cheat) because your at least acting on your feelings “which is truer” than concealing a hidden attraction. Big red flag at the beginning. And she cheated on both her long term boyfriends before me.

I was always worried that if we broke up she would jump into things immediately with other people. I know I shouldn’t care, but it’s such a painful time in the immediate aftermath of a break up. Those feelings of attachment are still very much there. She always reassured me that would not be the case and that behavior was a thing of her past; that she would take months to herself to heal on her own, considering trying things again, then move on if we decided not to. Well my gut was right. One week after we broke up she met another guy (one I have mutual friends with). A week later they went out for dinner and “kissed” at her house while her mom was there (visiting from out of town). It’s like she couldn’t even wait until her mom was out of town (let alone out of the house) to get things going with other guys. When she told me, I said she was a liar and not a good person. She screamed “F*** you!” and hung up on me. We didn’t speak for two weeks until I reached out asking for a peaceful conversation. She told me that one “kissing” incident was all that happened and we started talking about being exclusive “friends with benefits” which she was on board for. She even said she wanted to work things out with us. But I was still really struggling with the fact she fooled around with someone so quickly, wondering if her mom wasn’t in her bedroom (they were in the living room) what might have happened. She told me it probably wasn’t a good idea if we did the friends with benefits thing. I agreed. But then literally 3 days after that conversation was already dating another guy; a guy she knew that I’VE KNOWN and she lied saying I didn’t before she told me his name. I lost it. I wrote her a long letter telling her how horrible of a person she is. How remorseless, dishonest, manipulative, and abusive she is. After all the jealousy torture, BOTH THESE GUYS SHE MET WHILE WE WERE STILL TOGETHER. It was like whenever there was another guy pursuing her, she could care less about me. It had been one month since we broke up at this point. I was angrily sending her texts about how terrible and remorseless and dishonest she is. It all fell on deaf ears. According to her I was “running in circles” What I was saying “wasn’t true” without any explanation. Just “I’ve moved on, get over it”. She accused me of “violently” messaging her (nothing said was violent or threatening whatsoever) and told me to stop contacting her or she would take more “serious measures” so I did. But she didn’t feel bad at all. Not only for lying about how she wouldn’t jump into things with other guys, but how in literally three days went from saying “I love you so much” to I’ve moved on, I don’t wanna be with you in the first place.

Some of my friends have ran into her and tell me she looks like she’s “doing great”. I don’t wish anything bad on her, but she emotionally traumatized me, not only during our relationship, but tore me to shreds in the aftermath by having others guys be involved the entire time. As soon as the first guy was pursuing her one week after we ended, it was like “I’m feeling ok, I’ve accepted we over, I’ve moved on” then when (what I found out later) he didn’t have time to hang out with her the weeks after that, then she wanted to get back with me. Then, days later guy number 2 (who is a guy I KNOW) then back to “I don’t care, I’ve moved on, I hope you can heal from this” all while telling me she loves me and cares about me. It has been a traumatizing nightmare. I’ve been alone this entire 2 months. Suffering, putting the pieces back together, knowing she’s probably out sleeping with this guy, that guy, the other. All while I can’t even imagine going out with another girl. I’ve been seeing a therapist about it. He says this is hallmark BPD breakup drama. Always other people in the immediate aftermath and zero considerations of feelings. I know I struggle with feeling possessive, but we were together for 2.5 years, and after all the jealousy nightmares she subjected me to (ones that could never be reassured despite anything I said or what I showed her with my ACTIONS) has made this experience so unbelievably painful.

I know its a long post, but thank you to anybody that reads this and has anything to say to help because I am really struggling.

[Rafe]

Two months ago I broke up with my girlfriend of 2.5 years who is BPD. Our entire relationship was volatile. Her temperament was like nitro glycerin, she would explode and cause catastrophes that would ruin entire days over the slightest provocation or perceived slight. Usually blaming me for not understanding how to reassure/understand/talk to her. She mercilessly grilled me about my past marriage, non-stop jealousy issues that were out of control, horrible immature rude behavior, verbal abuse/emotional abuse, and incessant double standards (it was ok for her to have a ton of guy friends; but I couldn’t even say “hi” to a female former co-worker without nuclear annihilation). She was the most beautiful girlfriend I have ever had (like supermodel status), the whole time we were together other guys were always interested in her, people always complimenting me for how hot she is, she’s always stared at everywhere she goes, guys always trying to find a way to butt into our conversations, etc. I tried my best to be comfortable with this. But she would do things like give her number out to guys then lie to me about it, confide in random strangers about our relationship problems, sometimes who were guys I KNEW that would make a move or express interest in her during their conversation. We matched in the shallow end of the pool; sex was amazing, similar musical/art/travel tastes, both only children, etc. But there was always a toxic volatile dynamic that kept me from connecting with her on a deeper level. She always pushed me away, then would complain I wasn’t doing “this, this and this” juuuuust the right way she needed to act like a good person. Even if you did what she said she wanted, behavior would never change. No matter how thoroughly you explain her behavior (and she would acknowledge it and promise to make changes) it would all go out the window as soon as she was triggered.

I witnessed one event that literally scarred me emotionally: She had an elderly dog that was crying because she was suffering tremendously from a tumor on the roof of her mouth. On her last night (the dog was dying and saying “please help me mommy”) her dogs crying/whimpering annoyed her so much she threw her on the ground HARD smacked her on top of the head and screamed at her "SHUT THE F*** UP!" The dog was 16 years old, blind and deaf and suffering immensely. I realized at that moment the girl I was with was a monster. She never showed true remorse for what she did that night and would just say “people grieve differently”. I wanted to leave then but I never worked up the courage. To be completely vulnerable, I was too afraid about what the aftermath of our breakup would look like. So I kept giving it second/third/fourth/millionth chances. As the relationship progressed I would notice this rage come out of her towards me when I would express how her horrible behavior was hurting me and impacting my mental health. Its almost as if she is emotionally sociopathic. She cares about other people but in a shallow way. Like “oh I got you a candy bar you like, I love you so much” but when it came to your feelings, she couldn’t compute outside of her toxic twisted distortions of how she thought you SHOULD be feeling. I broke up with her 2 months ago when she screamed at me because I had a migraine and told her I was sorry I wasn’t feeling how she wanted me to feel. “That’s not WHAT THE F*** IM SAYING!” She raged. I had been warning her about her verbal abuse and how if it didn’t stop I would end the relationship. So I did.

During our relationship she lied to me 10+ times about how many guys she slept with in the 10 week gap between her ex and me. It was “3” guys at first, then the truth turned into like 11-12 dudes IN THREE MONTHS, after 10+ times of feeding me crumbs of truth. I always had a hard time dealing with that: the lying and the sheer number of casual sexual partners. I’ve never slept with that many girls, let alone in such a short period of time. To make matters worse we live in a small town and some of these guys I would see around, had mutual friends, or would contact her to try and reconnect. It was a nightmare. All while she would torture me with jealousy issues about the small handful of girls I had been with in the past 4 years, and interrogate me endlessly about my ex-wife and what girls I thought were attractive. To her, merely thinking someone is attractive (even in a picture; a billboard with model would trigger her) is just as bad as actually sleeping with someone else if you’re in a relationship. She even said one time that’s its not as bad to actually sleep with someone (cheat) because your at least acting on your feelings “which is truer” than concealing a hidden attraction. Big red flag at the beginning. And she cheated on both her long term boyfriends before me.

I was always worried that if we broke up she would jump into things immediately with other people. I know I shouldn’t care, but it’s such a painful time in the immediate aftermath of a break up. Those feelings of attachment are still very much there. She always reassured me that would not be the case and that behavior was a thing of her past; that she would take months to herself to heal on her own, considering trying things again, then move on if we decided not to. Well my gut was right. One week after we broke up she met another guy (one I have mutual friends with). A week later they went out for dinner and “kissed” at her house while her mom was there (visiting from out of town). It’s like she couldn’t even wait until her mom was out of town (let alone out of the house) to get things going with other guys. When she told me, I said she was a liar and not a good person. She screamed “F*** you!” and hung up on me. We didn’t speak for two weeks until I reached out asking for a peaceful conversation. She told me that one “kissing” incident was all that happened and we started talking about being exclusive “friends with benefits” which she was on board for. She even said she wanted to work things out with us. But I was still really struggling with the fact she fooled around with someone so quickly, wondering if her mom wasn’t in her bedroom (they were in the living room) what might have happened. She told me it probably wasn’t a good idea if we did the friends with benefits thing. I agreed. But then literally 3 days after that conversation was already dating another guy; a guy she knew that I’VE KNOWN and she lied saying I didn’t before she told me his name. I lost it. I wrote her a long letter telling her how horrible of a person she is. How remorseless, dishonest, manipulative, and abusive she is. After all the jealousy torture, BOTH THESE GUYS SHE MET WHILE WE WERE STILL TOGETHER. It was like whenever there was another guy pursuing her, she could care less about me. It had been one month since we broke up at this point. I was angrily sending her texts about how terrible and remorseless and dishonest she is. It all fell on deaf ears. According to her I was “running in circles” What I was saying “wasn’t true” without any explanation. Just “I’ve moved on, get over it”. She accused me of “violently” messaging her (nothing said was violent or threatening whatsoever) and told me to stop contacting her or she would take more “serious measures” so I did. But she didn’t feel bad at all. Not only for lying about how she wouldn’t jump into things with other guys, but how in literally three days went from saying “I love you so much” to I’ve moved on, I don’t wanna be with you in the first place.

Some of my friends have ran into her and tell me she looks like she’s “doing great”. I don’t wish anything bad on her, but she emotionally traumatized me, not only during our relationship, but tore me to shreds in the aftermath by having others guys be involved the entire time. As soon as the first guy was pursuing her one week after we ended, it was like “I’m feeling ok, I’ve accepted we over, I’ve moved on” then when (what I found out later) he didn’t have time to hang out with her the weeks after that, then she wanted to get back with me. Then, days later guy number 2 (who is a guy I KNOW) then back to “I don’t care, I’ve moved on, I hope you can heal from this” all while telling me she loves me and cares about me. It has been a traumatizing nightmare. I’ve been alone this entire 2 months. Suffering, putting the pieces back together, knowing she’s probably out sleeping with this guy, that guy, the other. All while I can’t even imagine going out with another girl. I’ve been seeing a therapist about it. He says this is hallmark BPD breakup drama. Always other people in the immediate aftermath and zero considerations of feelings. I know I struggle with feeling possessive, but we were together for 2.5 years, and after all the jealousy nightmares she subjected me to (ones that could never be reassured despite anything I said or what I showed her with my ACTIONS) has made this experience so unbelievably painful.

I know its a long post, but thank you to anybody that reads this and has anything to say to help because I am really struggling.

[Turkish]

Rafe,

Though not as bad, your dog story (at which I cringed) reminded me of when our 3 year old was bouncing in the hallway and his mom told him to "SHUT THE EFF UP!" She used the f word. I pointed and told her to go to her room, and she did without argument to message/Skype with her boy toy. That soothed her.

Emotional dyaregulation is a hard thing to handle. I asked her once about what she felt when she was raging and she told me, "I just want everyone else to feel my pain!" OK, that was honest. 

There's deep pain, emptiness, feelings of being unworthy of love and perhaps loss. The behaviors are coping mechanisms, even if dysfunctional.