Disturbing Dream

[madeline7]

My Dad has been gone a few years now and aging uBPDm is in Assisted Living where I have finally settled into a LC relationship with her. Just woke up from a very disturbing dream. In the dream I called the family home and my Dad picked up the phone. I was very confused since I "knew" he had passed away. It seemed my BPD Mom just wanted me and my sisters to think he had passed just to spite us. And I guess he went along with it, like he always did as the enabler. And for some reason, he was old and possibly not doing well, so decided to answer the phone and talk to me. In the dream I was filled with heightened ambivalence, swinging from being so angry with my Mom, and confused as to why Dad would go along with this outrageous idea, to being filled with hope by the idea of being able to see him and frantically figuring out a way to travel to see him. Then I woke up, maybe my mind just couldn't process this anymore. WTF. My Mom has done a number on me. Wish I could get her out of my head.

[Riv3rW0lf]

Wow this is a very deep dream. I can see how confused it must have felt, and how vulnerable you might have felt upon waking up?

How was your relationship with your father shortly before his passing?

[madeline7]

My Dad was a good guy who became an enabler for my Mom. He did the best he could under the circumstances but did not protect us from her wrath. My relationship with him was the best it could be, but I do have lots of anger and sadness that I could have been closer to him, but she did not allow that and he chose to be her mouthpiece, even when he knew she was unstable. I look like my Dad and have his temperament, I miss him and miss what could have been.

[Couscous]

Hi Madeline,

Were you a daddy's girl by any chance?

[madeline7]

Not really a Daddys girl. We were a family of only daughters, the main focus was always the Mom, not the daughters.

[Notwendy]

The focus was always on BPD mother for me too. I assumed I was a Daddy's girl until I read about it in the discussion here on that topic. It was more that I perceived even some attention as being special compared to how BPD mother treated me.

That dream is upsetting. Perhaps it's about realizing just how far our fathers would go to align with BPD mother and our ambivalent feelings about them- probably due to their inconsistent behavior with us. I think they genuinely loved us but then also would align with BPD mother without considering us.

I think your dream was about the emotional impact of this conflicting behavior. It's hard to rationalize it. I was shocked at how much my father would align with my BPD mother when I saw this towards the end of his life. She was angry at me, and her behavior was vindictive. I couldn't rationalize how the father I loved, and who I thought loved me would align with this, but he did.

I think your dream is about the feeling of shock at how much your father would go along with your mother. I know it took some time for me to process this. It helped to learn about co-dependency but it also has led me to question my father's relationship with me. There's probably no way to know for sure what they were thinking. I think they were stressed a lot of the time and went along with whatever to try to reduce that, even if it was momentary.

[madeline7]

Thank you NotWendy for what I believe is a spot on interpretation of the dream. I have had more ambivalence towards my Dad since his passing and I think I feel guilty about the anger I have towards him, especially now that he has passed. Even though I "intellectually" know he did the best he could, I am having such a hard time wrapping my head around him not protecting me. And my Mom is into her 90's now, and the pain just keeps coming. I also experience guilt about feeling like her good health has been wasted on such a vindictive woman.

[Notwendy]

I think we have similar situations with our parents. I have felt both grief and anger at my father. On one hand, I miss him- he was the only parent who acted like a parent to me. I attribute all that was good about my childhood to him and am grateful for what he did for us. On the other hand, more and more, I find I am more distrustful of his relationship with me. It meant a lot to me but I now think his focus was so much on my mother that not much else mattered to him.

Sadly - she doesn't seem to value or appreciate all he did for her. I think her internal emotional turmoil is overwhelming to her and its sad that she's unable to appreciate the good people have done for her. Dad gave her all he had but I don't think she can perceive that. I loved my father but I don't know if it registered with him.

[madeline7]

Not Wendy, I agree we have very similar issues with our parents. I always find your responses so insightful as well. Many times since my Dad's passing; my Mom has said how much she misses him...and then says she misses him because of all the things he did for her. "I wish he were still here so I would have someone to vent to". She doesn't miss him, the man he was,the partner he was;  she only misses that he can no longer listen to her complain about how everyone has wronged her.

[Notwendy]

My BPD mother has rarely said she misses my father. A while back though she was angry and said some really mean things about what he thought about me. I don't know if it's true or not. I told her I would not speak about him with her, and I have kept that boundary.

I have good memories of him. Whatever the relationship was to him, I recall it as the way I saw it. These are my memories - not hers to influence- and so I won't discuss him with her.

She doesn't show much warm attachment to him or anyone really. I think her own emotions take most of her focus.

[Riv3rW0lf]

My BPD mother has rarely said she misses my father. A while back though she was angry and said some really mean things about what he thought about me. I don't know if it's true or not. I told her I would not speak about him with her, and I have kept that boundary.

It most likely isn't true.

My stepfather doesn't defend us when my BPD mother talks behind our backs, but he also doesn't say bad things about us. He stays silent. To her, it means he agrees with her, and by extension that he believes it too, so might as well say he said it too, right?

However, remaining silent is also a tool for him to not escalate her dysrefulation against him.

So... Most likely not true.

madeline7, I think processing our grief will truly be a lifelong process. I find it amazing how your unconscious pushed you toward this specific feeling overnight so you could process it some more, and acknowledge it. It is ok to be angry at your father, and it is ok to be grateful he provided some safety for you to grow into who you are. Those are not mutually exclusive.

I also do not think that people with BPD are able to miss someone in the same way a non will miss them, but don't we all partly miss someone for what they do for us? Except for children, I would think most relationship are somehow transactional... We see someone for what they provide for us, just as they see us for what we provide for them? Listening, venting, discussing...

I might be wrong but I sense some resentment toward your mother, about how you might feel she used your father without seeing him? I think we all have to remember that our fathers (in my case my stepfather) chose to stay because, as bad as the relationship was, it brought them something they needed too.

By any chance, did you ever feel like you had to help your father? To save him from your mother somehow? And maybe part of you resent him for that too... That his incapacity to defend himself led you to believe you were also responsible for him somehow...

Maybe I am way off... just a feeling from the images of your dream...

 

[Couscous]

"I wish he were still here so I would have someone to vent to".

I agree with Riverwolf. Your father would not have tolerated being used in such a manner had the relationship not been meeting his needs on some level, so he wasn’t a Victim. These kinds of relationships are actually reciprocal even though on the surface they may not appear that way — essentially each party enables the other at their children’s expense, who are the real victims.

I used to feel SO sorry for my ‘good cop’ step-father because of how my mother treats him with such contempt until I learned about the Karpman triangle. Then I was able to figure out the ‘game’, and could see that by having strategically been a ‘marshmallow parent’ (a complete pushover and not having any boundaries with their kids), he has gotten a massive payoff — which is that he gets to be the ‘favorite’ parent, essentially meaning that he has ‘won’. He also has got his revenge on my mother because knowing that their kids prefer their father is truly the worst punishment she could ever have imagined.
 

[Riv3rW0lf]

He also has got his revenge on my mother because knowing that their kids prefer their father is truly the worst punishment she could ever have imagined.

Goodness Couscous, this hit me like an 18-wheelers.

[Couscous]

As I type this I am actually realizing just how much my step-father has manipulated me into feeling sorry for him, and using the sad story of his childhood to pull on my heart strings. I am feeling quite sick to my stomach in fact…
 

[madeline7]

 To be able to process this dream, and grief,  and receive your insights are so very helpful. I do think this grief process will last a life time, and part of me is just anxious to get to the next phase. Sometimes I think my Mom will actually outlive me or one of my siblings. This is a thought I dare not share with most people, as they will think I'm a cold hearted B. I do resent my Mom, but I don't feel like I should have tried to save my Dad. Quite the contrary. I used to be more tolerant, and said he did the best he could. But more recently, and since he passed, the anger has come through, as he bullied me and my siblings. He may have done this to make her happy, or attempt to keep her from dysregulating, but whatever the reason, I finally hold both of them responsible for a toxic upbringing. And continuing that toxic dynamic. It's not PTSD since this is not something that happened in the past. It's still going on, and even though Mom is old and less powerful, she still uses manipulation and silent treatment as a form of punishment. I only see her now every few months, and call less frequently, and this has been extremely helpful in having a happier day to day life filled with laughter and gratitude.