Felony Charges

[I Am Redeemed]

Good move talking to the jail clerk and providing evidence that he is violating the RO even from inside a correctional facility.

I totally get the fear. When I had to go to child support court a couple years ago (and face ubpdxh there) the court clerk read my address out loud in court and asked me if that was still my correct address, despite the fact that I told the deputies outside the courtroom that I had an active RO on him and wanted minimal contact and confidentiality while in court. I was furious.

How long will he be in jail? Is there anything you can do to help you feel safer when the time for his release gets near?

Unfortunately, enough precautions are not taken to protect the confidentiality of domestic violence victims within legal proceedings. I wish there was a policy that required any court documents to protect the addresses and other personal information of DV victims with active RO's. If a person is dangerous enough to have a lengthy restraining order granted from a judge, that person should never have access to information about the victim's whereabouts.

[maxsterling]

I am sure I am not the only person who will tell you this, but it seems more than likely that even if the court awards him visitation (they probably will in some capacity), more than likely this is more of a manipulation tool for him rather than an actual desire to spend time with the kids.  After a few months, more than likely he will skip out on his allotted time, and you will have a hard time tracking him down in order to get child support money.  I say this because it seems to happen to every person I have known that has divorced from an abusive partner.

[formflier]

So sorry about this breach of confidentiality.  Ugg...double and triple uggg.

Might be wise for you to also see if there is a way to be notified when he will be getting out of jail.  Like  you said...it's good he is in there..but someday...

Hang in  there

Best,

FF

[Frankee]

Thank you for the words of encouragement. I advocated for myself and called the local PD.  The same PD that I filed the last violation of the PO with.  They had everything on file.  I was blessed to talk to a police officer that seemed to genuinely care.  He took the time to look everything up, asked questions, sent me a link so I could upload picture of the letters so he can add them to a report and press charges.  He asked me first if I wanted to press charges and I said absolutely.  I feel the officer was actually happy to help me.

My ex sent more letters the boys.  After I took pictures of them for the officer, I tore them up.  Seeing his writing, reading the lies & bs atempts at forgiveness, I find myself still feeling extremely angry.  What bothers me the most is having that feeling when I thought I was doing so well with healing and moving on.  If the written word from him can evoke such anger, I can only imagine how I feel if I ever have to see him in person in court.  He says... I pray one day you can forgive me.  I don't think I ever will.  Even if I do, I will never let him know.  He doesn't understand forgiveness in the proper context.  I know he will think it's forgive and forget. 

[ForeverDad]

While one cannot be sure how long he will actually be incarcerated, given the whims of officials in some places, there's a real possibility that by then you will have moved (not a happy thought right now) to another place to reside.  I hope that is some comfort.

[SinisterComplex]

Thank you for the words of encouragement. I advocated for myself and called the local PD.  The same PD that I filed the last violation of the PO with.  They had everything on file.  I was blessed to talk to a police officer that seemed to genuinely care.  He took the time to look everything up, asked questions, sent me a link so I could upload picture of the letters so he can add them to a report and press charges.  He asked me first if I wanted to press charges and I said absolutely.  I feel the officer was actually happy to help me.

My ex sent more letters the boys.  After I took pictures of them for the officer, I tore them up.  Seeing his writing, reading the lies & bs atempts at forgiveness, I find myself still feeling extremely angry.  What bothers me the most is having that feeling when I thought I was doing so well with healing and moving on.  If the written word from him can evoke such anger, I can only imagine how I feel if I ever have to see him in person in court.  He says... I pray one day you can forgive me.  I don't think I ever will.  Even if I do, I will never let him know.  He doesn't understand forgiveness in the proper context.  I know he will think it's forgive and forget. 

Frankee we are all in your corner here. With that said...keep in mind you do not have to grant him forgiveness in person or say it to him. No, forgive him only in your own heart and mind so the negativity doesn't eat you up. Let go and don't be weighed down that S . Holding onto rage, anger, etc only will keep you tied to him. You gotta focus on just doing YOU.

Cheers and best wishes!

-SC-

[Cat Familiar]

I’m a number of years away from my relationship with my abusive ex husband. I was mad as could be after I finally got free and it sunk in how truly horrible his behavior had been for years. I think I had to accept that deferred anger and realize that it had built up for so long because it was dangerous to express it in real time.

Then, at some point, perhaps it was when I started to get phone calls from creditors trying to track him down, I realized that rather than feeling anger any longer, I merely saw him as a pathetic man-child, who felt so inadequate, that he had to attack me, emotionally and physically, to make himself feel like he had some power, that he didn’t have.

He’s going to have time to do some soul searching while incarcerated. Whether that changes him or not is a measure of who he is.

You need never have anything to do with him and that is your right.

I’m so glad my ex lives on the opposite coast and can wreak havoc there, and not be a part of my life.

As time goes on, you are going to feel so much freer from any influence he ever had on you.

 
Cat

[Frankee]

Frankee we are all in your corner here. With that said...keep in mind you do not have to grant him forgiveness in person or say it to him. No, forgive him only in your own heart and mind so the negativity doesn't eat you up. Let go and don't be weighed down that S . Holding onto rage, anger, etc only will keep you tied to him. You gotta focus on just doing YOU.

I find myself forgiving what happened.  I accepted I can't change it, I can't undo.  Overall I feel better about where I'm at in my healing journey.  When he is out of sight and out of mind, I find I am extremely happy.  I guess I have to work on my feelings when he intrudes into my life and processing those feelings as they come.

Then, at some point, perhaps it was when I started to get phone calls from creditors trying to track him down, I realized that rather than feeling anger any longer, I merely saw him as a pathetic man-child, who felt so inadequate, that he had to attack me, emotionally and physically, to make himself feel like he had some power, that he didn’t have.

He’s going to have time to do some soul searching while incarcerated. Whether that changes him or not is a measure of who he is.

You need never have anything to do with him and that is your right.

I’m so glad my ex lives on the opposite coast and can wreak havoc there, and not be a part of my life.

As time goes on, you are going to feel so much freer from any influence he ever had on you.

It's funny you say that.  I got a call from a property manager about a piece of land my ex bought right before I left.  He tried to convince me to put my name on it as well and I skirted away from that obligation.  The manager was saying he hasn't paid on it in months and they were looking for him.  I laughed and said.. he's in jail LOL.  I got some pure delight to laugh at his misfortune and to let these people know they aren't going to get their money.

I read the letters my ex sent and he was spouting off how he's done all that soul searching nonsense andd how he's becoming a better person, blah blah blah.  I don't believe any of it.  Maybe that's why I am so angry about the letters.  He is literally saying all the same garbage about being better that he use to feed me to keep me coming back.  I also spent almost 7 months with zero communication from him and now that he has my address, he is basically snail mailing his spouting bs.  I remember one of the officers at the jail told me.. just don't read the letters.  Even if I didn't read the letters, it's the point of, now he has a way to access me and I can't do anything to stop him.

I am dreading the day I get a notification saying he has been released and starts his bs on the court app again.

I do feel in a way that once the gates are opened and he is freed from his holding pen and reaches out to me again, that I will be better prepaped.  Yes I got angry about the letters, but in real time when he is able to message again, I will have a clear mind and see things for exactly how they are and have better control over my responses.

[ForeverDad]

I got a call from a property manager about a piece of land my ex bought right before I left.  He tried to convince me to put my name on it as well and I skirted away from that obligation.  The manager was saying he hasn't paid on it in months...

You are so right, adding your name would not only have become an obligation, it would also have added another link to your ex and probably added an unwanted complication to the divorce.  That manager was just looking for another money source.

[formflier]

Hey...I'm curious if you would be comfortable retaining the letters (and future ones), but not reading them.

I would not recommend shredding or disposing because they may be needed for evidence.  Yes digital copies are ok...but you kinda have to look at them while taking the pics (unless you can get someone else to do it for you)

Hang in there and keep taking care of YOU!

Best,

FF

[Frankee]

I finally have some good news. Today I spoke with the detective and the detective's supervisor.  I have received 3 letters now from my exbpd.  I got the 3rd one today and I told them about it. We are trying to get the legal aid program to release the court papers to the PD that they sent to my exbpd, so they can add that to the violation.  I checked the jail and court records and his bond is now up to 80k and it already shows the violation of the PO 2+times.

I was honestly very surprised when I talked to the supervisor for the detective.  She reached out to some local resources and ended up talking to an agency that deals with DV.  The supervisor gave me the manager's name and number and told me to call her.  I called the DV resource manager right after I got off the phone.  She was a super nice lady and I gave her the run down of basically the past 2 1/2 years.  When I got to the part about the legal aid people releasing my address without me realizing he would get it, I started to cry.  As I was talking to her, I realized how alone I have been recently in this part of my life.  I honestly don't have anyone I can talk to about it right now that would help my situation.

Moving have also been discussed.  The DV worker I talked to today took my information and is going to start working on an application again for crime victims compensation and doing the address confidentiality program correctly, and even going to reach out to housing programs.  I don't want to move.  Moving was not an option for me when I came here.  I like it here, I like my neighbor, I haven't had any major problems since I have lived here.  I feel horrible even thinking of uprooting my kids and possibly having them change schools.. again. 

It hurts something awful.  I felt safe here, hidden, thinking he would never find me, but now my address is out there.  He's going to be in jail, for quite some time the way things are going.  Which is good for me right now, but he's not going to be in there forever.  I told the local PD that I am very scared that he is going to get out of jail and look to take revenge out on me and just show up one day.  I am praying the detectives looked at his track record and current charges and can see that he is a dangerous person.

I had a pretty good cry a couple times times tonight.  Haven't had a hard cry in months.  I know it's because for the time my exbpd was locked up until the letter's started coming, I had genuine peace.  Feels like a old wound has been opened up.  I've gotten better about handling everything, but days like today, I really question so much.  Anytime he is able to interject in my life, I feel things start to crash down.

[Cat Familiar]

How long will he be incarcerated?

[ForeverDad]

Kids are more or less resilient.  How you present a possible move to them will be a factor.  Your perspective will be contagious... you can make it feel scary or you can make it an adventure like the Goonies.

Another move is not the end of the world, nor does it have to be rushed. 

[Frankee]

How long will he be incarcerated?

I had to look up the new charge they put against him.  This violation has been marked as a felony.  In the state I live in, they have a three strike felony.

I keep checking the court cases he has and they keep having Disposition Conference's.  He actually had a court date set today for the two felony charges.

I feel like I am going down a worm hole.  If they charge him with all 3 felonies, there is a good chance he may get a very long time in jail.  It woud be an amazing thing to have him locked up for years.  I don't feel sorry, I think he deserves every bit of it, but what scares me is when he does get out.  I know he is going to blame me for all of it.

Kids are more or less resilient.  How you present a possible move to them will be a factor.  Your perspective will be contagious... you can make it feel scary or you can make it an adventure like the Goonies.

Another move is not the end of the world, nor does it have to be rushed. 

I am praying they give a verdict soon for the three felonies.  I honestly think the way it is going, he may be in there for a very long time.  Which will help me plan better to move.  If I could wait until after this current school year to do it, that would be perfect.  The hardest thing is having to move in the middle of a school year.  If I can wait, it would be easier for them.  I know I will have to move.  Unless he gets life, he will get out one day and knows where to find me.

[formflier]

Frankee,

Hang in there...you have been running this "marathon" for a while.

Do you think it would be helpful to stop thinking about what will happen when he gets out (whenever that is) and start PREPARING for when he gets out?

I would think there are lots of productive avenues that can be explored, and thankfully it appears you have plenty of time to do this.

I'm so proud of you...your hard work is about to pay off!

Best,

FF