Felony Charges

[Frankee]

It seems every time I come back on here, some new groundbreaking even happened.  Where do I start.

My exbpd is in jail.  His charges..
Capias served on Assault causes bodily injury Family Violence. (Adult Misdemeanor)
Violation on protective order (Adult Misdemeanor)
Possessing a controlled substance in penalty group 1 (Adult Felony)
Terroristic Threat Causing Fear or Imminent SBI (Adult Felony)

He is going to have a mental health evaluation done while he is being held in jail and he has a court date set for January 31 and current bond is $43,500.

I am in the processing of information gathering all my documents needed in order to file for a divorce.  I am getting help with an advocate agency to file everything.  I am trying my best to get it all gathered before my ex gets bonded out or released on probation.  If I can get it filed while he is in jail, the least likely hood that he can contest it.

The other personal issues is my life have taken a back seat right now.  Within the next couple of weeks my main goal is to finish collecting all the paperwork I need for the divorce and getting everything together to file taxes.  I have the perfect opportunity to do all of this while my ex is in jail and can't contest any of it.  Anything else in my life, I will have to figure out once I get the important items completed.

[I Am Redeemed]

Definitely strike while the iron is hot here. I can't imagine that you wouldn't get a speedy divorce under these circumstances. Glad there's an advocacy agency to help. I thank God every day for mine. I told my T I considered framing the letter from the legal aid lawyer telling me my divorce was completely final .

What are the chances he can come up with the money for bond, or a defense attorney for the charges plus a family attorney to contest the divorce? Even if he can contest it, these are serious felony charges that demonstrate his instability and the danger he poses to you and your kids.

What is imminent SBI? Serious bodily injury, I guess?

[Frankee]

I told my T I considered framing the letter from the legal aid lawyer telling me my divorce was completely final .

What are the chances he can come up with the money for bond, or a defense attorney for the charges plus a family attorney to contest the divorce? Even if he can contest it, these are serious felony charges that demonstrate his instability and the danger he poses to you and your kids.

What is imminent SBI? Serious bodily injury, I guess?

I think I will have my divorce laminated and treasure LOL.  Will have put so much work into it.

I highly doubt he can come up with any money to bond out & especially with four charges and two are felony.  His own mother reached out to me to get his address to file a PO against him.  He couldn't even afford to pay for supervised visits with the boys.  I think he currently has a court appointed defense attorney.  There wouldn't be any way he can afford a defense attorney, money to bond out, and a family lawyer.  Where I live, if he gets one more felony, he could face life in prison.

With everything pending in court, my PO, the violation of the PO, all of my text message evidence via court monitored app, I don't see how this wouldn't be a swift divorce.  He keeps mounting up evidence against himself that he is a danger to everyone.

Seriously bodily injury, yes.  He made death threats against my parents, his mom and grandma, and threatened people I use to hang out with he thought was incognito with.

[ForeverDad]

And this year you will get your taxes filed first and shouldn't have to worry about him claiming a child credit/deduction before you.

[SinisterComplex]

I think I will have my divorce laminated and treasure LOL.  Will have put so much work into it.

I highly doubt he can come up with any money to bond out & especially with four charges and two are felony.  His own mother reached out to me to get his address to file a PO against him.  He couldn't even afford to pay for supervised visits with the boys.  I think he currently has a court appointed defense attorney.  There wouldn't be any way he can afford a defense attorney, money to bond out, and a family lawyer.  Where I live, if he gets one more felony, he could face life in prison.

With everything pending in court, my PO, the violation of the PO, all of my text message evidence via court monitored app, I don't see how this wouldn't be a swift divorce.  He keeps mounting up evidence against himself that he is a danger to everyone.

Seriously bodily injury, yes.  He made death threats against my parents, his mom and grandma, and threatened people I use to hang out with he thought was incognito with.

Keep us posted. Perhaps getting the divorce moved along it may open doors for you or clear some blockages. Yes, I am being optimistic here. You do need to have perspective here. The divorce has been a long time coming and while it may not appear that it will do much I offer up that perhaps it is the catalyst you needed.

Cheers and best wishes!

-SC-

[BigOof]

My pwBPD ex did most of the above on video (no drugs, though). She gets full custody with child support. Consider yourself lucky the laws actually apply to your ex.

[formflier]

Do you have a clear understanding of the documents you need to gather?  Have you been able to communicate with your divorce attorney yet?

How did you find out about the threats he was making?

So glad he is in jail and you are safe.  I think the "finish line" is close.

Best,

FF

[Frankee]

And this year you will get your taxes filed first and shouldn't have to worry about him claiming a child credit/deduction before you.

Yes.  I have been getting together all of the paperwork I need to file taxes.  I am waiting for some W2s to come in and hopefully I will get them before end of the month.

The divorce has been a long time coming and while it may not appear that it will do much I offer up that perhaps it is the catalyst you needed.

I honestly believe I would of been able to get the divorce last year if I was able to get a legal assistance.  This advocacy group is going to get everything I need filed.  If I do need to hire a lawyer, hopefully it will be cheap because I already prepared the paperwork and got it filed.

My pwBPD ex did most of the above on video (no drugs, though). She gets full custody with child support. Consider yourself lucky the laws actually apply to your ex.

I'm so sorry that happened!  That is terrible and a serious injustice.  I have definitely had my run ins with unfair court process in the past.

Do you have a clear understanding of the documents you need to gather?  Have you been able to communicate with your divorce attorney yet?

How did you find out about the threats he was making?

So glad he is in jail and you are safe.  I think the "finish line" is close.

I have been communicating with the legal aid and they gave me clear instructions on what is need.  Today I finished collecting and scanning everything they have requested. 

I'm not sure which threats warranted an arrest, but he made death threats to my parents (they sent me screenshots) and then he threatened people I haven't talked to in years through a Facebook group chat. (I have him blocked so I am suspicious if somebody helped him)

I am hoping they keep him in jail.  He has a court hearing at the end of the month and I constantly pray they don't let him out. 

I also found out yesterday that his dog was shot by the cops.  What I was told is when they went to arrest him, his dog attacked the K9 unit and the cops had to shoot him.  It's a tragedy that the dog died. I'm not going to tell the boys yet.  S11 was devastated when I told him the other dog died.  His mental stability was fractured before, but probably witnessing his dog get killed.. that might of been the last snap.  I'm in new dangerous territory.  I no longer know what he is capable of doing.  Things have never gotten this bad for him and that makes him a real threat.

[Frankee]

UPDATE on events

I received a call from the DA from the city my exbph is locked up in.  They are doing a mental health evaluation at the end of the month.  She asked me if I was the victim and I said yes.  She asked me to get the Victim Impact Statement sent in so they can add it to the file.  She was asking me other questions and I gave her a brief oversight.  I was more than happy to provide her with all the documentation that I had sent to the advocacy group to show his mental state.  Ranging from the protective order, the insane rambling, death threats to my parents, threatening to kill himself, all the awful things he said about the kids, telling her he used cocaine. 

She asked me if I got a divorce and I said I have been trying to, but I can't afford a personal attorney and I haven't been able to get legal help until just recently.  Even she said that with everything he has pending against him, she doesn't see why I would be able to get a swift divorce granted.  I am praying.

I also start a new job on Monday, cleaning houses.  I'm stressed because I am out of money, I am still waiting food assistance, and I have until the end of February before my current rent help runs out.  The upside is that they do pay increases fast.  It's not glamorous and most would look at the pay and scoff, but for my situation, it has become a blessing.  I have also left behind the not so safe money making job from "dating".

I have also stepped away from a very negative friend who I have realized that if I had listened to her even half of the time, I wouldn't of made it this far.  For the first time in a long time, I can actually physically feel that I am on the right path.  I'm not a religious person, but I feel that a greater force is pulling me in the direction I am going, letting me know to keep working hard, be a good person, have faith and keep moving forward.

[formflier]

Frankee

I'm so proud of you.  I'm seeing someone that is no longer "stuck".  Able to think through different relationships and options (even options that don't appear pleasant)...and forging a path best for you!

Keep up the good work!

Best,

FF

[Cat Familiar]

You are ridding yourself of toxic people and toxic situations.     You’ve found a path forward, though it’s difficult, that will sustain you and open up to a brighter future.

[ThanksForPlaying]

So happy for you!  You are moving in the right direction!

Keep in mind that you may experience some not-so-good feelings too - maybe sadness at times, compassion for him at times, maybe some loneliness or regret.  These all tend to creep in AFTER the imminent danger is gone - after you've moved past the important things like getting a divorce, and getting a new job.  And maybe you won't feel these things at all!  That's ok too.  Hang in there, and keep coming back here for support.

[I Am Redeemed]

Proud of you, Frankee

You're strong and you keep going forward even though it's really hard. You're evaluating things and making choices that work best for you.

What happens after the mental health evaluation? Will you be notified of the results?

[SinisterComplex]

Joining my team here and saying I am damn proud of you Frankee. Keep yourself on this path. Also, definitely keep us updated. Happy to see progress.

Cheers and best wishes! 

-SC-

[Frankee]

I'm so proud of you.  I'm seeing someone that is no longer "stuck".  Able to think through different relationships and options (even options that don't appear pleasant)...and forging a path best for you!

You are ridding yourself of toxic people and toxic situations.     You’ve found a path forward, though it’s difficult, that will sustain you and open up to a brighter future.

So happy for you!  You are moving in the right direction!

Keep in mind that you may experience some not-so-good feelings too - maybe sadness at times, compassion for him at times, maybe some loneliness or regret. 
And maybe you won't feel these things at all!  That's ok too.  Hang in there, and keep coming back here for support.

Proud of you, Frankee

You're strong and you keep going forward even though it's really hard. You're evaluating things and making choices that work best for you.

What happens after the mental health evaluation? Will you be notified of the results?

Joining my team here and saying I am damn proud of you Frankee. Keep yourself on this path. Also, definitely keep us updated. Happy to see progress.

Cheers and best wishes! 

Thank you for the kind words.  I realized it has been about 2 months since I have last been on here.  Since I have started my new job, I have found the time passes by faster.  I have periodically checked the court records and inmate search to see if he is still in jail.  His bond his is currently $54.5k.  I think it is safe to safe he will not be getting out anytime soon.

I finally heard from the legal aid assistance people and they are working on getting my first set of court papers together.  I am a little nervous because I will be representing myself, but they will be there to guide me in the background and help with any questions.  I am going to ask them if I have to appear in court and he's in jail if that means they won't let him show up for the hearing.

I haven't heard anything regarding any hearings going on in the court system against him.  I provided the DA a timeline of events for end of last year when he went nuts and it seems to have helped them in the court process to hold him in.

In regards to feelings about him and the whole situation.  The most prominent feeling I have when I think about it is sadness.  Not towards him, but towards the wasted years and left over damage it's had on me.  All of this happening, he did to himself.  I get sad because I feel I wasted really good years in a horrible situation, not enjoying life, fighting just to make it through the day.  Then when the sadness dissipates, I feel relief and happiness.  Relief that I am no longer in that situation and happiness that I did make it out alive and the boys and I are finally safe and living healthy lives.

At the end of this month also, my caseworker I have from the shelter will be removed from my services.  I can apply for non residential services, but it will be a different caseworker.  My current caseworker has been awesome and has managed to get me rental help since December 2021 after my previous rental help ran out.  She did one more application with me for April - June.  If I get approved, I have another 3 months to keep paying down my debt as much as possible, so when rental help has ran out, I will have money saved and reduced my monthly bills.

All of this I am doing is possible because of the amazing people on this forum, my DV caseworkers, the DV legal assistance, and being able to control finances 100%.  My exbpd was horrible at saving and anytime we got money from taxes, he always had "big" plans have to spend it.  I have 3 months rent set aside from left over tax refund and I fully intend to use it only for rent and building my savings.

It may be another two months before I post again, but that's a good thing.  Means my life has finally come to a point where I feel for the first time in years, happy and thriving.

[CoherentMoose]

Thanks for making the time for the update.  Many of us lurk and follow your story. 

It's OK to be sad, but that is the past.  You are making some great opportunities for yourself that; hopefully, will lead you to an exciting future.  Keep at it, one step at a time.  Good luck! And be well.  Como

[ForeverDad]

It's so good to hear how well you've been recovering yourself and your life.

Be aware that you may face sudden pleas from your ex to drop or withdraw your statements.  You may even feel inclined to "forget it all" just to get it over with.  However, that would be self-sabotaging, long term.  Let him face his consequences.  If he wants to meet with you, decline.  Nothing good would come of it.

Please return immediately if your determination starts to waver.

[Cat Familiar]

I’m so glad to hear how things are so much better in your life, Frankee. Soon you won’t have to think about your ex much at all. That’s a pretty hefty bond for someone who isn’t good with managing money.

[formflier]

Thanks so much for the update.

1 thing I wanted to clarify.  When you say "representing yourself"...can you confirm this is in the divorce?

Most likely this is OK and I would be shocked if he contested it or hired a lawyer or anything.  So...since you have someone backing up your paperwork..it should be ok.

My one area of concern is not that you get the divorce..but a "well written" divorce. 

So...you would want strong child support provisions and super clear visitation (or clear denial of visitation).

It's kind of another matter whether or not you can collect on the child support...but step on is getting the document right.

There are likely other matters other members can raise here to make sure "you get it in there"

Some of the basic language is that if you want him to do X in the divorce decree and then he doesn't...you want the penalty already in there so you don't have to go back to court to argue about it.

Stay strong!

Best,

FF

[kells76]

Good thought from FF re: child support.

I wonder if there's a way to build that requirement so that:

(a) yes, we all know that he is unlikely to pay or pay regularly or pay fully, but

(b) that doesn't mean "well let's just not put that in there because he won't do it"

and (c) the pressure/requirement/pursuing/collection of CS is NOT your job... it's written in that someone else will do so if he doesn't pay

Not exactly sure how to write it, but something like "Z Firm shall do all legwork of pursuing unpaid CS debts and remitting to Frankee from April 1st 2022 through December 31st 2037. Frankee shall provide current PO box # to Z Firm for mailing of remittances. Z Firm shall provide twice-yearly written reports to Frankee about status of CS enforcement" or whatever. But something where it's not just that "OK, it's written in the order that Ex is super-extra required to pay CS" -- because there are NO consequences, AND it isn't specific who enforces. So, maybe have written in there who has to "chase him down" and then have another section of consequences for nonpayment (this could be boilerplate, pointing at existing laws in your state).

This could make it something where yeah, you know that he probably won't pay, but you already knew that and already planned your life around that. Then, if he does, it's "icing on the cake" to get the check in the PO box, AND you aren't using your valuable time and energy "trying to make him pay".

Again, this could be written "boilerplate", just pointing to existing gov't groups (like a preexisting CS enforcement agency) but I'm just leaning so strongly towards wondering how we can make sure it's not one more exhausting job for you, and making sure to make it really specific that other agencies/groups/firms need to do their enforcement job so you don't have to.

[formflier]

Probably a good idea to check with your locality and see if "child support enforcement/collection" is a government service.

In North Carolina it was and even in some instances the local government literally titled "blank county child Support" would make some efforts to collect out of state debt or at least work with the appropriate agency.

The system seemed very effective for local deadbeats, less so for going outside the state.

So maybe a line that says.

"xyz shall register with local child support enforcement office wherever he resides"  "Failure to register within 30 days of moving to a locality will result in (insert penalty)"

The last reason to put it in there is most judges don't have much sympathy for guys that claim "she won't let me see my kid..."...while they are behind on their child support obligations.

While it's hard to imagine him ever reforming enough to be part of your kids lives in the future, having a clear child support obligation in place, coupled with good accounting of his payment record... will help in the event he ever petitions to be a larger part of your kids lives.

Best,

FF

[ForeverDad]

Many courts have ruled (I don't know how consistent this is) that visitation has little or no correlation to the level of compliance with child support payment or non-payment.

So just because a parent is behind on payments may not impact the child visitation.  However, that shouldn't discourage you from building the best final decree possible.

Ignoring the child support aspect for a moment, you can set terms for visitation that include him being in effective therapy (exceedingly difficult to confirm), meeting conditions of professional supervised behaviors, and other overall behaviors.

One problem with many courts' schedules to "ramp up" to more visitation is that nothing is built in to "ramp down" to less visitation when behaviors regress.  Often it is assumed you have to go back to court to deal with that - typically getting back to court many months later.  So I think that is part of what the others are advising, request terms now so terms in the final decree address both the ups as well as the downs in his future behaviors.

Another thought... you can petition for his parental rights to be removed.  That is usually reserved for extreme cases so I don't know whether that applies in your case.  Be aware that the good part is you wouldn't have to deal with him any more whereas the bad part is you would not get child support, however much he may or may not pay.

[formflier]

  So I think that is part of what the others are advising, request terms now so terms in the final decree address both the ups as well as the downs in his future behaviors.
 

Yes..this! 

The critical part is that the "consequence" is clear and what Frankee needs to do or not do is clear to be "in compliance" with the order.

Best,

Allen

[I Am Redeemed]

Are the legal aid people actually drawing up the divorce papers for you?

When I got my divorce, my legal aid lawyer contacted the DA for the child support office for guidance on the specific language to include in the papers.

Also, if you have a current protective order for yourself and your child, that should be grounds to keep visitation supervised.

[Frankee]

Update: My exbpd is still in jail.  Two of his charges have another disposition hearing set for June.  By the end of the month, it will have been 5 months since he has been able to contact me.

I am thankful.  The months that has passed since he has been in custody have given me the real peace I have been needing. I have been able to really come to terms and accept where I am in life and the choices I have made in the past.  It has also set my mind free and my expbd has barely crossed my mind.  I am enjoying ever passing day I feel this way.

The attorney I spoke with recently was very helpful.  It was the initial introduction and general overview of the proceedings that should be expected.  All the details and questions that everyone has made on here has been noted for my reference.  Once I get into the in depth detailing of my divorce decree, those items will be hashed out.  She is putting all of the proper paperwork in order to present to the courts, they will provide support, but all in all, I will be representing myself, unless I am able to find afford an attorney when the time is needed.

Honestly, when it comes down to it, it will be a matter of looking at facts.  November 2020 was when I granted the PO and that was the last time that expbd has even seen S6 (youngest son, he had a birthday recently and is now 6 years old).  I have record of him refusing to do supervised visits as instructed from the court order and now spending 5+ months in jail for terroristic threats, drug possession, PO violation, and assault probation violation.  I would say that expbd is going to be lucky if the courts even agree to allow supervised visits after all of that.

The divorce proceedings are slow moving, but I can be patient.  I know at this point in time that everything is just legal matters.  I know the choices I made this past almost 2 years, have been the right ones.  Even when I doubted myself more times than I can count.  I do know that it isn't over.  One day, he will probably be let out on probation, and that's when he will try to bring the dark clouds again.  I am prepared though and I have a stronger faith in my future than I ever had before.

[I Am Redeemed]

With all those charges, he might be in jail for a while yet. I think the court is likely to look at the facts, as you said, and grant the divorce without hesitation.

Are you going to ask for no visitation in the divorce papers? Mine included no provision for visitation, though I have to allow phone contact and my ex is allowed to attend school functions or extracurricular activities that S6 is in. That was because I didn't have a current protective order, though.

I'm assuming he doesn't have the means to contest anything in the divorce, since he's in jail.

[formflier]

Are you going to ask for no visitation in the divorce papers? Mine included no provision for visitation, though I have to allow phone contact and my ex is allowed to attend school functions or extracurricular activities that S6 is in. That was because I didn't have a current protective order, though.

 

I think whatever the details of visitation or non visitation that you ask for...that it is explicitly laid out in the divorce order.

Best,

FF

[I Am Redeemed]

I think whatever the details of visitation or non visitation that you ask for...that it is explicitly laid out in the divorce order.

Best,

FF

I asked about supervised visitation but in my area, there is currently no agency that provides supervised visitation in divorce cases. Supervised visitation services are only provided for DCS cases. Ubpdxh would have to contact a third party counseling service and pay out of pocket for supervised visitation. So my divorce order states that mother has child 365 days and father has 0. Then there are the lines about providing non custodial parent with phone number to contact child, attendance at school functions or extracurricular activities, etc.

Ubpdxh could have gotten an attorney to contest that, but he didn't have the means to do so. He can still hire an attorney to modify the parenting plan but he doesn't have the means now, either.

He's simply "planting seeds" when he calls S6 that he can "help out" if I need childcare to work or go to school. I'm good, thank you.

With an active protective order and ubpdxh having an extensive criminal record, being a convicted felon, I could have gotten no contact. Without the protective order, I was only able to ask that he have no unsupervised days with the child, which means no visitation because of the lack of supervised visitation providers for divorce cases in my area.

[Frankee]

I thought I was doing well, but today I came unglued.  I had exbpd service divorce papers.  I explicity told everyone that I was dealing with that I have the address confidentiality address.  They reassured me they would make sure he wouldn't get my address.  He did.  It was there in black and white on the last page of the divorce paperwork.  Today I get an envelope and my heart dropped when I saw it was from him.. to me.. at my home address.  I called up my legal aid lady and while leaving a voicemail, I broke down crying and started freaking out.  I scanned all the letters and emailed them to her so she would get them.

I am furious.  My one thing I had to make me feel safe has been ripped away from me.  How could these legal people be so careless after I told them over and over he can't have my address.  In the letters he wants to be able to send more letters to the kids and requesting phone calls.  After reading all of what he sent plus a letter to the boys, I became enraged.  I talked to the jail clerk and tomorrow I am going to bring them a copy of the PO showing he cannot contact me except the court app.  I am hoping they will screen his mail and refuse to deliver it.

He claims he will agree to everything I requested in the divorce paperwork except the  no contact with the kids.  He wants to be in their lives.  I am so angry about it.  Him being in their lives would completely undo all of the healing all of us have done.  He doesn't know how to be a good father.  His dad was a complete $hi+ of a father and he is exactly like his dad.  The boys will grow up to be just as messed up as him if he's allowed to see them.

I am just beyond myself with the fact he has my address.  He's in jail now, but he won't be in there forever.  Now he knows where to find me and it scare the $hi+ out of me.  I do not care if he claims to be rehabed or better, it's all a pack of lies.  My feelings towards him have not changed since the day I left, two years ago.

[Woolspinner2000]

Hey Frankee,

I would have so many strong emotions too if that happened to me! I'm so sorry that this happened, especially after all you've been through and how hard you've fought. It's perfectly fine that you came unglued, and it shows that you're connected to your feelings. Don't ever feel bad for experiencing the emotions you do. It's normal and healthy to have them and see them for what they are, feelings.

Give yourself a couple of days and your rational side will kick back into gear. Hyper-arousal is so normal after a triggering event, and I do hate every triggering event that comes along, darn it. Hang in there.

 
Wools